All of us bring our needs to relationships, but they don’t have to turn into attachment. Attachment is created when needs aren’t understood and faced.
Needs you place on your partner never really get resolved; therefore even if your partner bends over backward to satisfy every need you have, the final outcome will be the same as if none of your needs were met: you will be left to confront why you have such needs. This “why” is answered by examining how you feel about being in separation, for the underlying anxiety of separation from God, spirit, and Self is what created need in the first place.
When you heal separation, your needs will not reflect fear and insecurity.
Relationship is meant to heal separation; therefore the proper attitude toward need is that you want to heal. However, in many relationships there is a confusing mismatch between what two people actually consider most important.
How can neediness be healed when there is constant jockeying over what two people want? We have to make a distinction between external needs, like food and shelter, and inner needs. Inner needs come down to what makes you feel secure.
You need to recognize imbalances where they exist and take responsibility for them. A man who has many female needs shouldn’t rely on his wife to make all the decisions, while a woman with strong male needs shouldn’t ignore her partner’s emotions. The object is to find the balance of male and female within you rather than take the easy road, which is to attach yourself to someone else’s strengths as a compensation for your weaknesses.
Satisfying inner need has to go deeper than what society or your ego tells you will suffice. To be in separation is by definition to be insecure.
Inner need must be faced before you can feel secure.
Adapted from The Path to Love, by Deepak Chopra (Three Rivers Press, 1997).