When you heal separation, your needs will not reflect fear and insecurity. All of us bring needs to relationships, but they don’t have to turn into attachment. Attachment is created when needs aren’t understood and faced. Needs you place on your partner never really get resolved. Therefore even if your partner bends over backward to satisfy every need you have, the final outcome will be the same as if none of your needs was met: You will be left to confront why you have such needs. This “why” is answered by examining how you feel about being in separation, for the underlying anxiety of separation from God, spirit, and Self is what created need in the first place.
In many relationships there is a confusing mismatch between what two people actually consider most important. How can neediness be healed when there is constant jockeying over what two people want? We have to make a distinction between external needs, like food and shelter, and inner needs. Inner needs come down to what makes you feel secure.
If you are on two different paths, one way or another the weaker partner will wind up giving in to the stronger, or one of you will repress your true needs in hopes that you will find happiness through sacrifice.
This rarely if ever works.
Giving in to another person’s needs is actually a form of attachment. Having thrown away your own desires, you will be forced to cling to the other person to bring you satisfaction. This is a form of separation from your true identity, and in the end you cannot hope to use separation of any kind to reach unity.
The object is to find the balance of male and female within you rather than take the easy road, which is to attach yourself to someone else’s strengths as a compensation for your weaknesses.
Adapted from The Path to Love, by Deepak Chopra (Three Rivers Press, 1997).