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He’s Just Not That Into You

He’s Just Not That Into You

You know how the inner dialogue goes. I certainly do. My twenty-something years are full of journal entries scribbling it out. My ping-pong dialogue looked something like this, and I suspect yours sounds pretty dang similar:

He loves me. He must love me. I can tell he really loves me. But then why is he pulling away from me like I suddenly have the cooties?

Is it because I came on too strong? Am I too much? Too intense? Too passionate? Too threatening? Too successful?

Or am I not enough? Not pretty enough? Not smart enough? Not interesting enough? Not a good enough kisser? Not talented enough? Not funny enough?

But I feel like he thinks I’m enough. I feel like he really loves me. So maybe that’s the problem. Maybe his feelings for me are so scary that he has to pull away. Maybe I’m his soulmate and he’s just not ready to meet his soulmate yet.

Hmmm… what’s the truth? Is he truly, deeply, madly, intimately in love with me?

Or is he really just not that into me?

The Yearning To Know The Truth

When we’re in a situation like this, we’re often driven to uncover the truth. Even if we can’t do anything to change the outcome, we want to soothe ourselves with the belief that we really are loved and cherished, even when all external evidence points to the contrary.

We tell ourselves, like rubbing balm on our hearts, that he or she really does love us, that we really are valuable, that we’re not making up what we came to feel and believe.

But what if the whole thing was really a figment of longing imagination, rather than a relationship grounded in honest communication and true feelings?

It Doesn’t Matter

When it gets right down to it, it doesn’t really matter whether he or she does or doesn’t.

Whether the object of our affection is madly in love and just scared to death, or whether he’s just not that into you only matters to your ego.

Your Inner Pilot Light doesn’t really care because that soul part of you knows you’re lovable and valuable, not because the object of your affection loves you, but  because you have a little spark of divinity in you, and that makes you inherently lovable and valuable. You don’t need anybody else’s validation to affirm this.

While it may soothe your ego to believe he or she really does love you, even though he or she walked away from the potential of the relationship you desired, the only thing that matters is whether you feel loved – and ultimately, whether that person behaved in a loving way.

Questions To Help You Know The Truth

While it doesn’t ultimately matter whether the object of your affection reciprocated your love, asking yourself a few questions can bring you peace by helping you discern the truth.

When you ask for what you need, does the object of your affection prioritize meeting your needs?

Is it always you doing the pursuing?

Is it always you making the sacrifices?

When you stop trying to make the relationship work, what happens?

Do you feel – really feel - loved?

What’s the gut instinct of the people who know you both and have seen you interact? (Beware of BFF’s. Bless their hearts, but they tend to always believe the love was really there just because they love you so much, they figure anyone who doesn’t would be a total fool. Seek guidance from those with less allegiance and fewer biases.)

Is there concrete evidence of love – loving actions, loving words, tender presence, genuine compassion?

When you’re feeling down, do you feel safe sharing your sadness with this person?

When you’re feeling on top of the world, will he or she be genuinely happy for you?

How do you feel in your body when you are with this person? Do you feel open or guarded? Warm or cool? Calm or jittery?

Can You Find Peace Without Knowing?

In the end, you probably won’t ever get a clear answer. You can play the “what if” game forever, or you can choose to find peace with the uncertainty, trusting that the outcome, even if it isn’t the one you desired, is in service to the highest good of all involved.

After all, if he or she desperately loves you but is too chicken shit to take the leap into that love, the relationship won’t be good for you. And if he or she just isn’t that into you, you deserve someone who is.

Let Go

Instead of grasping to the outcome you so desire, try instead, to set goals but release attachment to outcomes. Love with an open heart, acknowledge your desires and set your intentions to enter into a relationship with the object of your affection, pray that whatever is in the highest good be made manifest, and then let go.

Trust that if he doesn’t call you back, it’s for the good of your soul’s journey here on earth.

If she breaks up with you when you’re madly in love, trust that there’s someone else you’re supposed to meet.

If he leads you on then pushes you away, trust all will be as it’s meant to be.

And if one day, she runs back into your open arms, apologizes for being so scared of the depth of her feelings, and asks you to take her back, you can welcome her back in if you still desire her.

But don’t hold your breath.

If you love someone, let him go. And then get ready to love someone else all over again, making sure you’re brave enough to give him permission to break your heart.

Can you resist the temptation to ruminate about a relationship gone awry? Can you trust that whatever happens is for your highest good? Can you live and love and let go?

Share your story in the comments below.

Trying to love fearlessly,

Lissa

Lissa Rankin, MD: Creator of the health and wellness communities LissaRankin.com and OwningPink.com, author of Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof You Can Heal Yourself (Hay House, 2013), TEDx speaker, and Health Care Evolutionary. Join her newsletter list for free guidance on healing yourself, and check her out on Twitter and Facebook.

 

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Lissa Rankin

Lissa Rankin, MD is a mind-body medicine physician, founder of the Whole Health Medicine Institute training program for physicians and other health care providers, and the New York Times bestselling author of Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof That You Can Heal Yourself.  She is on a grassroots mission to heal health care, while empowering you to heal yourself.  Lissa blogs at LissaRankin.com and also created two online communities - HealHealthCareNow.com and OwningPink.com. She is also the author of two other books, a professional artist, an amateur ski bum, and an avid hiker. Lissa lives in the San Francisco Bay area with her husband and daughter.

32 comments

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3:13PM PDT on Oct 14, 2012

awesome! good info and ways to look at things :)

1:37AM PDT on Sep 12, 2012

Thank you, f.s. I would have loved to have given you a green star, but you're not a member - despite a wonderfully apt quote from a wise man whose teachings I followed for many years. I repeat the quote :

"Love is never security; love is a state in which there is no desire to be secure, it is a state of vulnerability.'
~J.Krishnamurti



2:33AM PDT on Sep 10, 2012

I am "trying" to be more non-controlling over what happens.. My husband and I after 10 yrs are separating ( due to his infidelity) and I have met someone else. It is so hard for me to just let go!! I wish it was so easy to just turn the page, but I am scared... And that does not result in a good relationship.. I need to find a way to cleanse myself and MOVE ON!!

3:40AM PDT on Sep 9, 2012

Better said than done...

11:11AM PDT on Sep 7, 2012

Wow; it must be horrible to be so needy - sounds like junior high school. Thankfully, I'm at least several decades away from being the target readership here...

10:22PM PDT on Sep 6, 2012

If one person doesn't love me anymore, I just don't care.
I got God and myself

3:38PM PDT on Sep 5, 2012

Dresia V. You are so right on...life has been incredible..after being bottled up in a sick marriage for 21 years. I have never been happier...and have not had a man in my life in 30 years. I did have marriage opportunities, but I would rather be free than be with the wrong person. I, too, sleep very well at night.

1:52PM PDT on Sep 5, 2012

I think we always know when it's over. The trick is learning to walk away from a sinking ship

11:48AM PDT on Sep 5, 2012

I totally agree with Lenee. And may I add, in letting go from someone that doesn't give a dam about you anymore, you're free from sickness, disease, STRESS, which can kill you, task. No man, or women, deserve lack of love and committment that they so freely give asking for only trust and love in return. It's best to be single, then, no one can f*ck with your emotions again. It takes a lot for me to TRUST. TRUST has to be earned and it's not easy earning it with me that's for sure. On the other hand, once any wounded male/female learns to trust again, still protect your heart/emotions and allow dissapointment/s that way, if you ARE HURT, USED, LIED TOO, CHEATED ON AGAIN, you won't be too dissapointed and hurt. It's easier to walk away. This pratice takes pratice but trust me, I am one happy single women. I sleep well at night.

6:25AM PDT on Sep 5, 2012

Thanks

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people are talking

What a lovely story. Hope Isis and Joan get to spend more time together before the end.

I always say "your family member had the best life because of your care"

so ow damn silly are people-wot else wld u expect!?

Thank you

In my now many years, lost count of the number of times I've been through this. Most recently my lit…

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