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Hold Tight? Or Unleash?

Hold Tight? Or Unleash?

I was about to lead a teleclass in two minutes, when the phone rang.

I could tell by the tone of his voice that something awful had happened.

His name was Dan. He asked if we had a puppy named Bezoar, and after confirming that we did, his voice broke when he confessed that he had just accidentally killed her with his car. He was sitting by the side of the road right behind my house, holding her, waiting for me to come get her.

I bailed on the teleclass, and, heart racing and body shaking, dashed out to Highway 1 to wrap my arms around the 6 month old puppy who just joined the family in July, shortly after our beloved Grendel died prematurely in June.

The Loss

Petting her still warm head, I could feel the skull fracture beneath my hands as I embraced her limp body. It had been quick and painless, but that didn’t ease the suffering in my heart, especially as I imagined telling my 6 year old daughter the news.

Crumpled on the side of the road with my puppy in my arms, I flashed back to when Grendel died, and Siena and I had talked about getting another dog. I told Siena that if we got a puppy, we would have to be willing to give the puppy permission to break our hearts as deeply as Grendel did, knowing that we would surely outlive the puppy. But this time, I reassured her, we expected the puppy to live at least 10-15 years. I told her she’d probably be in college by the time our hearts got broken again, but I warned her that we can’t ever know, that heartbreak is unpredictable, and we must be willing to keep our hearts open, even as we risk breaking them.

Through 6-year old tears, Siena agreed to give the new puppy permission to break her heart. I did too. We decided the joy was worth it. And it was.

The Joy

For six months, we relished in puppyness – the ridiculous cuteness, the snuggles, the feisty fierce doggie growls, the nipping bites, the chewed up art supplies under the dining room table, the shoes that became chew toys, the stains on the carpet, the ornaments she knocked off the tree and broke, how she had become a girl’s best hiking companion – the whole enchilada. Our iPhones are full of photos of Bezoar’s spirited young life, and Siena’s art journals are full of drawings of her.

And now she’s gone, and once again, our hearts are broken.

To Leash, Or Not To Leash?

Given that Bezoar was outside in our unfenced expanse of backyard, which lies at the end of a long, car-free private driveway that comes off a dead end cul de sac of a sleepy beach town’s road, I can’t help wondering whether this is somehow my fault and whether Bezoar’s death might have been prevented. Our property backs up to California’s famously scenic and windy 2 lane Highway 1, but it’s down a ravine. You can’t even see it from our yard. It never in a million years occurred to me that the animals or children could get down to the potentially dangerous highway. I thought the backyard was safe.

But you could argue that we should have kept Bezoar on a leash – and for a while, we did. Because she was a puppy, we worried that she would wander off and get lost, traipse around and get hurt, or otherwise put herself in danger. But she hated that purple leather leash. It was evident from the beginning that, like Grendel, she was a country dog, jonesing to explore along with the fox, the deer, and the wild turkeys that roam our backyard. She yanked on the leash and howled until we decided to take the risk and let her have adventures.

And now this…

Is Freedom Worth It?

Two minutes before the phone rang, I heard Bezoar barking in the backyard. And then, just like that, she was gone. Part of me can’t help thinking, “What if I had just insisted she stay inside today?” just like I’m sure the parents of the Sandy Hook children fantasize about what would have happened had they kept their kids home from school last week.

But that kind of thinking doesn’t serve anyone. As I said in this post, there’s no point looking back with the “retrospectoscope.” And as I look forward and think about how to prevent future heartbreak, I notice the tendency I feel to protect my child, my dog, my marriage, my mother and siblings, my heart, and pretty much everything else I hold dear.

Protection Vs. Freedom

Yet, to “protect” really means to limit freedom, to hold them on a tight leash, to restrict adventure, to cling to what matters in an attempt not to lose what I love. I could keep my dog on a leash. I could forbid my child from straying out into the backyard wilderness with her two BFFs. I could get so frightened about school shootings that I home school Siena. I could insist that my husband not get too close to other women for fear I might lose him.  I could guard my professional ideas for fear of having others steal them. I could stop traveling because it’s just too risky.

But that’s no way to live.

I can choose fear, or I can choose to set free what I love, knowing that clinging to it not only restricts joy for those I love, but ultimately fails to keep them safe – because life is risky, and as we learned with Sandy Hook, danger is unpredictable.

It’s A Fine Balance

As a parent and dog-owner, it’s my job to keep my child and dog safe. I’ll never be reckless with such an important responsibility. When my daughter unexpectedly ventured off on her Grand Adventure, my hubby and I went trotting after her – and clearly set boundaries around how far she was allowed to venture in the future. Today, when Bezoar died, we told Siena that, like her, Bezoar had gone on a Grand Adventure – and we celebrated her bravery. But we also warned Siena about how risky Grand Adventures can be when you’re young like she and Bezoar are. We also warned her how dangerous it would be to ever wander onto Highway 1 or any other busy road.

While we long to keep Siena safe, Matt and I resist frightening her into losing her sense of adventure.

Loving With A Long Leash

As I was hiking in my beloved Muir Woods with a heavy heart today, I found myself marinating on the idea of unleashing not just my dog, but all that I love in my life.  When you’re grieving, especially in an instance like this, when you have no warning and things go from awesome to awful in 30 seconds flat, it’s so tempting to either close down your heart or grasp, panicking, to that which you love.

Yet, I don’t want to live my life that way, riddled with fear and clinging to what I can’t keep safe, even if I try. We all long to roam free and enjoy adventures.  We need to push the edges of our boundaries in order to discover how much risk we’re willing to take in our quest to feel fully, radically alive. Taking chances can be dangerous. Mistakes get made. People get hurt. Hearts get broken. Lives get lost.

But I believe it’s worth it to live an unleashed life – even today, in the wake of this loss that might have been prevented.

How Long Is Your Leash?

Do you cling tight? Do you let those you love take risks? Do you let fear or love rule your decisions? Can you trust enough to unleash what you love? Do you take risks yourself?

With a broken but still open heart,

Lissa Rankin

Lissa Rankin, MD: Creator of the health and wellness communities LissaRankin.com and OwningPink.com, author of Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof You Can Heal Yourself (Hay House, 2013), TEDx speaker, and Health Care Evolutionary. Join her newsletter list for free guidance on healing yourself, and check her out on Twitter and Facebook.

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Lissa Rankin

Lissa Rankin, MD is a mind-body medicine physician, founder of the Whole Health Medicine Institute training program for physicians and other health care providers, and the New York Times bestselling author of Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof That You Can Heal Yourself.  She is on a grassroots mission to heal health care, while empowering you to heal yourself.  Lissa blogs at LissaRankin.com and also created two online communities - HealHealthCareNow.com and OwningPink.com. She is also the author of two other books, a professional artist, an amateur ski bum, and an avid hiker. Lissa lives in the San Francisco Bay area with her husband and daughter.

108 comments

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1:34PM PST on Jan 28, 2013

So you take no blame at all for this puppies death? You wouldn't let a todler roam the yard unattended so why a puppy? A fence would have saved his life. Since the road is down a ravine, he could have tripped and fallen down to the road. You alone are responsible. I feel bad for the puppy and the driver of the car. It wasn't their fault at all.

3:02PM PST on Jan 13, 2013

thanks for sharing

6:46AM PST on Jan 9, 2013

Earlier this year I had subscribed to Ms Rankin's "Inner Pilot Light." After reading this story (which caused me great emotional pain!) I decided anyone who is not mature and intelligent enough to be a responsible pet owner has no business trying to lead other people to "enlightenment." Ms Rankin, if you were truly as enlightened as you would have your readers believe you would have realized that a puppy does not possess the reasoning skills to decided whether or not it is safe to cross a street. I agree that you have not only wasted a precious animal, but your irresponsibility has probably caused the poor man who hit the dog permanent emotional damage. I also hope you never make the decision to bring another pet into your house of horrors.

2:06AM PST on Jan 9, 2013

Please realize that you are not only bringing the dogs life in danger. Peoples lives could also be in danger when they try to avoid running over the dog.
Please get a fence around your garden before you get another dog.

6:06PM PST on Jan 8, 2013

You hateful, evil, selfish witch. How dare you compare the loss of Beozar to the children at Sandy Hook. Beozar is dead because you didn't think to supervise her or keep her fenced in her own yard when you live on a busy roadway. You should be deeply ashamed of yourself and Care2 should ban you from writing anymore articles based upon your stupidity. Not only is a precious puppy's life snuffed out because of your stupidity, think of what that poor man who hit her is going through. If you arrived on scene to find him holding your dog and crying, how do you think he is going to feel after this? I'll bet you just "made his day". Next time - put the dog in a fenced backyard so it doesn't run onto the highway. And don't ever compare your loss due to your stupidity to the loss of life in a tragedy like Sandy Hook again. There is no comparison!

5:53AM PST on Jan 5, 2013

Fences and leashes are made to protect the dog! You are the dog's guardian, even fully grown, a dog's intelligence is equal to a three year old human child's! A three year old does not have the ability to reason that road = danger, nor does a dog of any age. A fence not only limits, but protects your pet. What if a much larger, prey driven breed came by? Your dog had no defense, especially since you were not outside with her as she ran loose. This is all your fault. ALL. My dog is a 'country' dog. He is not allowed to roam loose unsupervised. He used to stay close and return on command, I could call him off birds and rabbits with ease, but now that he is aging and going blind and deaf, I have to leash him, for his own protection. As his guardian, it is my responsibility to keep him safe.

Bottom line is, your dog is dead and it is your fault for not doing everything in your power to protect her. As a side note, chain/leash/lead/cable/fence does not mean 100% safety. Your dog should never be out of your eyesight when they are outside and if you insist on free roaming, ensure your dog is trained enough to return to your heel at the drop of a hat, for the dog's safety. If you can't call the dog off a chase, the dog has no business being off-leash. It's stupid and deadly. Not to mention many lovely fines if your dog kills certain wildlife.

My dad did not believe in tying a dog out or fences and I can name you my childhood dogs who were all shot or ran over because of this. (

2:02AM PST on Jan 5, 2013

thanks for sharing

7:58PM PST on Jan 3, 2013

So I gave Freddie permission to break my heart, I gave to all those I love with all my heart but how do I give these selfish arrogant people permission to break my heart. How do I deal with having my heart broken by the cruel world repeatedly, everyday?

7:56PM PST on Jan 3, 2013

I'm really tired of this. I just found out my past house mate had her 5 YO dog destroyed because it was 'becoming aggressive' toward her 1 YO baby. A dog that had NEVER shown any signs of being aggressive -just a little high maintenance & in need of walking, socialising & training/boundaries. With NO attempt at rehoming even though when I moved out I pleaded with them to contact me should they have any problems. But they wanted to believe no one but them could control the dog and told me it was the best thing for Freddie. The best thing..... to be dead!!!???!!! Then they went and addopted another dog.

5:48PM PST on Jan 3, 2013

I read this article with pure disgust. You are an irresponsible pet owner and frankly, the article feels a bit like exploiting a very preventable tragedy. I pray you do not bring another pet into your home. Animals depend on their families to protect, love and care for them. Would you allow a toddler the unsupervised run of a back yard without a fence? Your article seems to be trying to justify bad judgement and look for reinforcement from others. I'm sorry, but after reading many of your articles , you sound like someone with a large ego needing constant attention and creating and thriving on drama. Too bad an innocent animal had to pay the price - you should be ashamed - there is NO excuse for your negligence.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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