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How Hot Is Your Anger?

How Hot Is Your Anger?

Keep cool; anger is not an argument — Daniel Webster

Soon after Nelson Mandela’s release from 27 years in jail, Bill Clinton asked him if he was angry the day he finally walked away free. “Surely,” Clinton said, “You must have felt some anger?” Mandela agreed that, yes, alongside the joy of being free, he had also felt great anger. “But,” he said, “I valued my freedom more, and I knew that if I expressed my anger I would still be a prisoner.”

Anger can be an effective expression of passion for justice and fairness, for basic rightness, for what is appropriate and humane. But anger can also be like a single match that can burn an entire forest, causing tremendous damage and hurt, wars, greed and self-deception. The fallout can be huge and, invariably, we have no control over the repercussions.

Few of us want to admit that we get bitchy, shout, or lose our temper—we much prefer to see ourselves as being wonderfully tolerant and serene. Yet we all get angry at some time or another and in its passion anger pushes away, condemns, and makes everything wrong except itself. Our heart goes out of reach and we lose touch with our feelings. There is no compromise, no chance for dialogue—I am right and you are wrong.

Trying to eradicate anger is like trying to box with our own shadow: it doesn’t work. Getting rid of it implies either expressing it, and possibly causing emotional carnage; denying and avoiding it, which is a way of lying to ourselves and can cause depression or bitterness; or repressing it, which just holds it inside until it erupts at a later time when it can cause even more harm.

“Ducks don’t do anger,” says Deepesh Faucheux in our book, Be The Change. “Ducks fight over a piece of bread and then they just swim away. But people keep processing everything that happens to them. That processing of the story—what so and so did to me, she wronged me, why doesn’t he respect me—keeps the energy identified as anger and resentment, instead of seeing it as simply energy.”

There are often layers of conflicting feelings hidden beneath anger, such as hurt, insecurity, sadness or fear. The power of rage is such that it can overshadow these other emotions, causing us to lose touch with ourselves and struggle to articulate what we are really feeling. Having lost our connectedness with each other, anger can really be a cry for attention or for contact; it may be expressing grief, loneliness, or a longing to love and be loved. We are saying, “I love you,” or “I need you,” while hurling abuse at each other.

“We get to see that underneath anger,” says Rabbi Zalman Schachter in Be The Change,there is fear, pain, and sorrow, and we cannot deal with anger unless we also deal with what sustains the anger. We forget how we are hardwired. The reptilian system within us makes sure we are secure and safe. If we do not feel secure, then the dinosaur will rear its head and roar. So under anger is always the question of how safe does the reptilian feel.”

We need to go beneath the anger to see what hurt, longing or fear is trying to make itself heard. There may be feelings of rejection, grief or loneliness, so if we repress anger or pretend it isn’t there then all these other feelings get repressed and ignored as well. Only by recognizing what the real emotion is behind the expression can there be more honest communication.

By naming and recognizing the many faces of anger we can stay present with it as it arises, keeping the heart open, breathing, watching emotions come up and pass through. We can watch as anger fills the mind and makes such a song and dance, and we can just keep breathing and watching as it goes on it’s merry way.

Meditation not only invites us to witness anger, but also to get to know and make friends with ourselves. It gives us a midpoint between expressing anger and repressing it, a place where we can be aware of our feelings and not be swept away by them. Meditation is not going to make all our challenges go away but it does enable us to rest in an inclusive acceptance of who we are.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi ~

Read more: Ed and Deb, Guidance, Inspiration, Self-Help, Spirit, , , ,

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Ed and Deb Shapiro

You can learn more in our book, Be The Change: How Meditation Can Transform You and the World, forewords by the Dalai Lama and Robert Thurman, with contributors Marianne Williamson, Jane Fonda, Ram Dass, Byron Katie and others. Our 3 meditation CD’s: Metta—Loving kindness and Forgiveness; Samadhi–Breath Awareness and Insight; and Yoga Nidra–Inner Conscious Relaxation, are available at: EdandDebShapiro.com

36 comments

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5:01AM PDT on Sep 17, 2013

Anger is seldom constructive

7:17PM PST on Jan 9, 2013

I think it is really important to know what triggers your anger and also to acknowledge, and try to manage it.

I am very aware that anger can be utterly destructive, ruining such great things in life. However, I also know it can be an extremely good motivator - people who get angry are like the people that stand outside congress and protest until change is made, for the better. However, I don't think it is good to be angry all the time, because it takes such a toll on the body and mind.

8:33AM PDT on Apr 4, 2012

I would like to give a testimony about the Rapture. Dear friends, today is 4/4/2012 and I just had a dream from Jesus The Christ. Dear friends- IT IS TIME TO REPENT!!! It is NOT MUCH TIME LEFT! It is hard to express the intensity and the urgency of the call, but is literally one of the last calls! Love to ALL people of the World from Bulgaria. Blessings.

9:46AM PDT on Mar 30, 2012

You make really good points in your article, as always, and I appreciate the stories and advice you reference, especially the Rumi poem; it's a special one. Thank you.

11:37AM PDT on Mar 29, 2012

Thanks, very instructive :)

1:22AM PDT on Mar 29, 2012

So true, thank you.

12:04PM PDT on Mar 28, 2012

I became very angry yesterday when the battery of the car I was borrowing died at the grocery store. Of all the people in the parking lot, no one would give me a jump. After calling AAA and getting help 10 mins later, my anger mellowed to disappointment, which eventually disolved. And I made a point to learn the lesson of making sure I don't accidently, and unknowingly, turn on, and leave on, the headlights. I should have been embarrassed at myself, not angry at others. Thanks for the post.

10:01AM PDT on Mar 28, 2012

Thanks.

6:45AM PDT on Mar 28, 2012

Anger is never constructive, rather it is destructive. Righteous indignation is another matter entirely. Without it we would never aspire to a better morality.

2:34AM PDT on Mar 28, 2012

I carried a lot of repressed rage when I was younger; it's exhausting being so angry all the time. Now I'm starting to realise that most things don't actually matter that much, so why waste the time and the energy getting wound up about them?!

That said, politicians, misogynists and animal abusers still push my buttons.....guess I'm not quite there yet!

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