How to Clean Without Really Cleaning
By Noah Garfinkel, Networx
Sometimes youíll just be sitting in your house, completely unaware of your surroundings. Youíll be vaguely aware that there are walls around you and a couch beneath you, but details beyond their mere existence are of no concern. You might be watching your lights flicker, but you’re certainly not considering calling a NYC electrician. Then, out of nowhere, a friend will call and say he or she is dropping by. Suddenly the Triscuit crumbs on your coffee table come into focus. The month of un-swept floor dust becomes blaringly noticeable. You have to clean up. But, letís face it, youíre not really going to clean up. You donít like your friend that much. Whatís going to happen is that youíre going to halfway clean. Youíre going to clean without really cleaning.
First youíll start with the coffee table crumbs. Youíre not going to get out the Pledge though. You donít even have Pledge. If you were the kind of person who had Pledge regularly in stock, youíd probably be the kind of person who didnít regularly have crumbs everywhere. What youíre going to do is take a damp paper towel and quickly run it over the table surface. But, you wonít worry about cupping your hand beneath the edge and sliding the crumbs into your palm. Why not? Because youíre about to sweep the floor anyway.
Well, youíre not really going to sweep. Your broom is saturated with dust bunnies and you donít feel like pulling them off the bristles with your hands. So, youíre just going to Swiffer. But youíre not really going to Swiffer either because you broke the stick/handle part last month when you tried to cram it into that weird skinny cabinet in your kitchen. Luckily, you still have two Swiffer pads left, and what youíll do is put them on the floor, step on them, and slide them across your living room under your feet. Theyíll take care of the crumbs you swept off the coffee table onto the floor.
Now you have to deal with all the clutter. Youíve got books, unopened mail, and yet-to-be-thrown-away packaging everywhere. You donít have time to sort through it all and decide what can be thrown out, so youíre just going to stack it on any flat surface you can find. Youíll put the biggest thing at the bottom of the stack and the smallest thing on top, forming a random-stuff pyramid. But, itíll look like you purposefully organized it that way. ďHe must always keep his ‘Dear Resident’ promotional postcards atop his shoebox and a clipboard,Ē your friend will think to himself.
All you have left to do now is make your place smell like itís clean. Itís easy. Youíll just pour a little bleach into your kitchen sink and let the antiseptic fumes waft into the other rooms.
Finally your friend will show up. He or she is going to be so impressed with you. Much more impressed than you are with them. If they were impressive you would have actually cleaned.