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How to Deal With ‘Living Losses’ – Book Giveaway

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How to Deal With ‘Living Losses’ – Book Giveaway

We are giving away a copy of The Real Rules of Life: Balancing Life’s Terms with Your Own by Ken Druck, Ph.D. Check out this article from the author and don’t forget to leave a comment below for your chance to win a copy of the book!

The Real Rules of “Living Losses
If Someone You Love is an Alcoholic or Addict, Debilitated, Estranged, Sick or Missing, You May be Experiencing a “Living Loss”

By Ken Druck, Ph.D.

When my daughter, Jenna, died in a bus accident in 1996 while on the Semester-at-Sea program in India, I was in choice-less agony. So were the parents of the three other girls who died in that accident. That same year, I started the Jenna Druck Center, a non-profit foundation, to honor my daughter’s life and spirit — and created Families Helping Families, a program to help other bereaved families. The response was overwhelming.  We started receiving calls from all over the world and, to date, The Jenna Druck Center has been a lifeline for over five thousand bereaved families.

After our first year, however, something completely unexpected happened.  We started getting calls from parents whose children were still alive – but who were grieving their loss none-the-less. Their children were either missing, strung out on drugs, debilitated by a mental or physical illness or an accident, estranged, incarcerated and/or lost to them is some other way.

These parents were suffering horribly and in as much need of support as those whose kids had died.  Feeling helpless, scared, confused, angry, humiliated, guilty — and living under a dark cloud of fear, dread, despair and sorrow – everything from their health, to their relationships, to their work and sense of purpose for living were all profoundly affected. The future they had envisioned for their children, themselves and their families was in great peril, or had already been lost. They were in dire need of understanding, emotional support, guidance and resources to help their children — and themselves.

And so, I began inviting these mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, cousins, grandparents and friends from all corners of the community to come together to support one another, learn from experts, develop effective intervention and survival strategies and share vital information about resources in our community.  The “Living Losses” program has been helping families from all over the world for 16 years since then.  I have been giving public workshops and running support groups for families in every imaginable situation.  And the need is even greater today.  Let me explain a few reasons why:

  • Alcohol and drug abuse has become pandemic – resulting in living losses from auto accidents, acts of violence, incarceration and debilitating addictions (“Boutique” addiction centers are popping up like fast food restaurants).
  • Increasing numbers of young people, including soldiers returning from war zones with fractured bodies and hearts, are struggling horribly to stabilize and settle their lives. And dropping out of society. Their suffering is immeasurable.
  • Debilitating depression, anxiety, autism and antisocial behavior are running rampant, creating a black hole of despair in many thousands of families.
  • Stress, environmental and food-based diseases are on the rise, claiming the health and shortening the lives of millions of people.
  • Children and young women disappear every week somewhere in America, creating perhaps the most brutally terrifying, savage and violent kinds of living losses.

And so on.

One of the most powerful, yet little know, truths I write about in The Real Rules of Life: Balancing Life’s Terms with Your Own is that we grieve for the people we love while they are alive.  And that many of our worst losses are “living” losses.

Our society has yet to recognize the severity of pain associated with living losses – or to provide adequate resources to those who are suffering.  Living with alcoholism and drug addiction, or someone who is debilitated, estranged, traumatized or has gone missing, is heart-wrenching. Lost, or at risk, are their hopes and dreams for the future.  Parents, spouses and siblings fight valiantly to help their loved ones, in some cases just to keep them alive.  The cost of living on edge, depleting their own limited resources, seeking help from the community and going to sleep/waking up every day hoping for a miracle is considerable. The frustration, pain, confusion, humiliation, exhaustion, heartache and feelings of utter helplessness can be overwhelming.  Believing that somehow, some way, things will get better, and devoting our time and energy to making that happen, takes tremendous amounts of raw courage, faith, hope and determination.

Sometimes things do get better.  An addicted or alcoholic son or daughter goes to rehab, stays sober and builds a good life for themselves.  A returning vet gets job training and trauma counseling, falls in love and slowly puts their life back on track.  An estranged daughter comes home after years on “the road.”  A missing child is found alive. The heart of an 18 year old boy is transplanted into the body of a dying 70 year old grandfather and his life is saved.

And sometimes they don’t.  Living losses become life losses.  Casualties. And we grieve a death.

What can those of us who suffer from living losses do to help ourselves?  Our loved ones?  Where can we turn to find relief no matter what the source of our suffering? What can we do to save a loved one’s life?  Salvage their future?  How can we take care of ourselves, “process” our grief, continue to learn from experience, remove ourselves from torture chamber and summon the strength to survive?  How can we fight our way back into our own lives?  Here are three resources that exist in many of our communities.

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+ add your own
6:51AM PDT on Aug 26, 2014

I would love to read this book. More needs to be written on this subject.

I am experiencing living losses due to parental alienation with one adult child and another due to a traumatic brain injury.

For the adult child I mourn for due to parental alienation, I mourn for our lost relationship.
For the adult child I mourn for due to a traumatic brain injury, I mourn for who he once was, the relationship we once had and the completely new personality he now has that is a constant reminder that who he once was, is gone forever.

They're are both still alive, but still I grieve. No one gives condolences and there is no closure. It's perpetual grief that I've learned to live with. I've grown to accept it, but still I grieve.


11:03AM PDT on Jun 23, 2013

I'm experiencing a living loss right now, my Dad has been diagnosed with cancer not less than two weeksago, He's 71, today when I went to visit him he is facing death. Only last week we were talking having fun together rememering the good times, and today he can't speak. I don't know how to cope with this I didn't think he 'd go bad so fast, I never felt this kind of pain before, it's so confusing........

5:43PM PDT on Aug 19, 2012

I was almost a "living loss" :(

12:05AM PDT on Jun 27, 2012

Thank you so much for the giveaway.

6:08PM PDT on Jun 25, 2012

This sounds like an awesome read. Thanks

2:28PM PDT on Jun 25, 2012

Would love to win this book! thanks for the giveaway!

7:42AM PDT on Jun 25, 2012

It sounds like a great book. Thanks for the giveaway.

5:07PM PDT on Jun 24, 2012

I would love reading this book, I can relate.

4:10PM PDT on Jun 24, 2012

Awesome blog and thanks for the giveaway!
Would love, love, LOVE to win this!
iplaytrack1224 (at) hotmail (dot) (com)

10:18AM PDT on Jun 24, 2012

I have been experiencing "living losses" most of my life, but most profoundly for the past 2.5yrs since I found out that my father, whom I lived with at the time, was dying (he has now passed away), I moved away to another state to start a new life for myself and I "lost" my entire family as a result : my brother and sister-in-law and father stopped communicating with me, as did my sister, who took it a step further and turned her three kids (2 teens and a 4 yr old) against me so they also do not speak to me. I had spent nearly every day since they were born with these kids and love them as though they are my own children. My sister-in-law also chose to withhold their 2 kids from me. I do not have children of my own, but I do not understand how a parent can use their own kids as pawns as though they have no feelings and connections of their own? I do, however, believe in the power of love and expect that these kids will eventually come around when they are "free" to make their own choices. I am saddest for the loss that they will experience as a result of their parents rage over nothing.
I have, however, learned a lot about myself through these experiences and have learned, above all, to "show up" for myself and for the life that lays before me. In fact, it is my responsibility to do so. Thanks for writing a necessary book to fill a very obvious need.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

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