How To Release Childhood Wounds

I grew up believing that love is conditional. I don’t blame my parents for this – and it turns out it wasn’t true – but I genuinely thought my parents would only love me if:

I made straight A’s
I saved my virginity until marriage
I attended church twice a week
I didn’t cuss
I respected my elders
I came home by curfew
I didn’t smoke, drink, or get stoned
I didn’t get knocked up
I ate my vegetables

And so on… rule after rule after rule.

Afraid they might withdraw their love if I ever broke a rule, I followed every single one of them religiously, to the exclusion of my own individuality and authenticity. I was the straight A, overachieving virgin who didn’t drink until she turned 21 and only broke curfew once in 18 years (by escaping via my bedroom window while wearing my nightgown and hopping in my friend’s car to go joyriding. Can you say “grounded”?)

My sister proved to me that the love of my parents wasn’t conditional the way I believed. She broke all the rules and they loved her anyway. But somehow, that belief that love is conditional became ingrained in my impressionable consciousness. I think it’s still there sometimes.

When I’m naughty with my mother (like I was here), am I really asking “Will you still love me if I’m naughty?” When I pick a fight with my husband – as I sometimes do – am I really asking “Will you still love me if I treat you poorly?” When I break a rule, am I testing the limits of love?

I think so.

In fact, I wonder if that’s the reason I post so many tell-all confessionals on Owning Pink (like this one… or this one.) Maybe I’m still living out my childhood wounds. I’m telling myself I don’t care what you think and I’m just being unapologetically ME. But maybe the truth is that I think there’s some line I might cross that will make the people I care about stop loving me.

As long as we’re unconscious of our childhood wounds, we are doomed to repeat them. But when we shine a bright, pink light on them, we can examine them to see if they are true. And if they aren’t – we can freely let them go.

Once I had the epiphany that part of me still believes this, I recognized that it’s really not true. I know there are at least a dozen people in this world who love me unconditionally – including my mother, my daughter, and my husband.

So I’ve decided to stop repeating behaviors that are triggered from my childhood wound.

I’ve been doing a lot of one-on-one work with Steve Sisgold, author of What’s Your Body Telling You? From him, I’ve learned to address old childhood wounds using a technique that goes something like this:

How To Release Childhood Wounds

Identify the wound/limiting belief.
Ask yourself whether it’s really true. (Hint hint: 99.9 percent of the time, it’s not.)
Once you’ve recognized that your limiting belief is not true, release the wound/limiting belief. Try writing it on a sheet of paper and burning it. Or write it down, tear it up, and bury it in the earth.
Now affirm that the opposite is true. (In my case, the affirmation is “I am loved unconditionally.”) Post this affirmation around your house. Paint it on your wall. Repeat it to yourself several times per day.
Pay attention to sensations in your body when you affirm that the opposite is true. Is there clenching anywhere? Tightness? A dull ache? What is your body telling you?
Try affirming the new belief again until your body feels nothing but peace.
Notice when you act out from your childhood wound and instantly repeat your affirmation and feel it in your body.

What Works For You?

Do you have techniques for releasing your childhood wounds? Tell us your stories. Share your tips.

Unconditionally yours,

****

Lissa Rankin, MD: Founder of OwningPink.com, Pink Medicine Revolutionary, motivational speaker, and author of What’s Up Down There? Questions You’d Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend and Encaustic Art: The Complete Guide To Creating Fine Art With Wax.

Learn more about Lissa Rankin here.

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Sarah M.

10:41PM PDT on Mar 18, 2012

Yes, but what do you do if it is true? What do you do when you've been abused?

send a green star

Luna B.

11:00PM PST on Feb 29, 2012

I have a lot of childhood wounds, and I just can't seem to let them go. They've become so familiar to me, letting them go almost feels like letting go a childhood best friend. Think of Alanis Morrisette's 'Precious Illusions'. However, they also restrict and choke me sometimes. Maybe it is time for me to let them go.....and make some new friends along the way.

Susan S.

7:07AM PST on Feb 29, 2012

So true. Have to keep forgiving yourself and others over and over sometimes.

Kathy P.

8:30AM PST on Feb 27, 2012

what if what we believe IS true?

Chad A.

6:39PM PST on Feb 26, 2012

You know how they say time heals all wounds, I have found that to be so true as things I remember getting all worked up over do not seem to be so important, let alone upsetting, on reflection.

Atocha B.

9:55AM PST on Feb 26, 2012

I passed a sign yesterday on a church billboard which stated, "Unconditional love requires obedience". Is this an oxymoron, or what?

Good article! Thanks!

heather g.

1:19AM PST on Feb 26, 2012

I guess I am fortunate in that I don't harbour any childhood wounds. When I listen to others I always am grateful for the way I was brought up..... I was protected by love and surrounded by wisdom which has guided me throughout my life. From middle-age I have needed a great sense of humour and the support of a good friend or two to help me on my passage through some stormy seas dealing with people with undefineable values....

Camila K.

6:57PM PST on Feb 25, 2012

asking if conditional love is true love is the beginning of healing. If you can still love the one who "betrayed" you, then you are touching true unconditional love. The pain may still be there, but underneath it all there is a peaceful, beautiful love that never dies. That's soul love, and we can choose this over egoic woundings. Meditation helps to get you to see yourself beyond the egoic self.

6:54PM PST on Feb 25, 2012

We are all wounded in one way or another, and no one can judge another's pain as "small" when its not their own (or "big" for that matter). We can't go back and change the past, but we can find a different way of looking at things. We can take another road than the one we have been traveling----we have choices in how to see things, and how to go forward, and that's where our power lies.

Bojon S.

12:22PM PST on Feb 25, 2012

Love the 1 who love u