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How Valentine’s Day Can Ruin Your Relationship

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How Valentine’s Day Can Ruin Your Relationship

Candlelit dinners replete with a fine bottle of wine, diamonds, roses or imported chocolates. NOTE TO MEN: If you haven’t planned or purchased something from this list, you’re more than likely going to have a horrifying night (and you won’t get lucky either) this Feb. 14th. Why? Because unrealistic expectations are not just about women, but men too. We all fall into the Valentine’s Day trap and beyond. The problem with romantic fantasy is that it starts long before our first big Valentine’s purchase or even before our first kiss. We’ve been hearing the “happily-ever-after” fairy tales since we were in kindergarten and we’ve grown up with a steady diet of the diamonds-are-forever commercials.

The commercialization of Valentine’s Day has given rise to great expectations, and just as often great disappointments, if the gift giving is not enough to meet our romantic fantasy. These expectations have evolved over time, and with the help of jewelers and car makers, have encapsulated our longings to be loved with an equally open wallet. This profligate giving of expensive tokens has become the opportunistic statement of our enduring emotional wishes. We all want someone to think we’re special, that we can’t live without them! What better means of satiating our need to be loved than coughing up a diamond or two. The problem is that we may not have the means to meet the need.

So it is with Valentine’s Day. As our expectations soar with the coming of this much ballyhooed holiday, we can make out the problems that may come with it. It is not that gift giving is bad or that we should not give them, but if we are making a connection between the size and cost of the gift with the quality of our love we are creating an expectation that can cause a deep emotional rift in what may be an otherwise healthy relationship.

What Makes a Long Successful Marriage?

Ted Huston, a professor at the University of Texas developed a project in 1979 that followed 168 married couples for fourteen years to see what factors were present in successful long term marriages. He found that couples who entered their relationship with high expectations were far more likely to experience conflict and disenchantment.

Huston found that even though there is a change from courtship to marriage in the adage that “all fiancees love football” it will not ultimately ruin our relationship. He concludes that the greatest harbinger of hope for couples is of all things friendship. It appears that those couples who managed to keep their expectations realistic and concentrated more on the way they interacted with each other proved to be a winner over the long haul.

20 Ways to Say ‘Thank You’
7 Things Not to Do on Valentine’s Day

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Dr. Bill Cloke

Dr. Bill Cloke has worked with individuals and couples for 30 years. He received a master’s degree in education from the University of Southern California and holds a PhD in psychology from California Graduate Institute. A frequent talk-radio and TV psychologist, he is also a contributor to and other popular websites and has lectured at UCLA. Bill Cloke lives with his wife in Los Angeles. To learn more about Bill Cloke, and for more resources on creating healthy, happy relationships, visit


+ add your own
4:32PM PDT on Aug 24, 2015

It's a nice sentiment but would mean more if it were spontaneous, not so commercially

1:58PM PDT on May 14, 2013

just an extra day to love my man. among the other 364 days

6:17PM PDT on Apr 8, 2013

we don't celebrate valentines day

4:02AM PST on Feb 11, 2013


3:33PM PST on Feb 10, 2013

I can't stand valentines day. it's too commercialized. people are just out to make money.

11:32AM PST on Feb 10, 2013


11:17AM PST on Feb 10, 2013


10:45AM PST on Feb 10, 2013


5:36AM PST on Feb 10, 2013

thanks Bill

to possibly boost relationships even more:

"•Friendship: broadening your sympathies and expanding
the boundaries of your love

•How to cure bad habits that spell the death of true friendship:
judgment, jealousy, over-sensitivity, unkindness, and more

•How to choose the right partner and create a lasting marriage

•Sex in marriage and how to conceive a spiritual child

•Problems that arise in marriage and what to do about them

•Experiencing the Universal Love behind all your relationships"

Spiritual Relationships
The Wisdom of Paramhansa Yogananda, Volume 3

8:53AM PST on Feb 9, 2013


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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

people are talking

Thank you.

Don't stop this is so relaxing. Thank you for caring and sharing.

Thanks Lisa.

This is amazing and totally "news to me". I am totally going to see if we can get it in our local In…

I try to avoid the "bad" carbs and eat a wide range of healthy foods.


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