Idiot Compassion and Sentimental Grief

You’ve just had your appendix removed and a friend shows up at your hospital bed and begins to cry, saying, “This reminds me of when I had my appendix out when I was seven. Oh it was so hard!” and you expend the last of your precious healing energy trying to make them feel better. Or maybe you know someone who buys vodka for their alcoholic husband, saying, “But I really understand! I have so much compassion for him!”

On the one hand, it’s sentimental grief, and on the other, idiot compassion. Find out more about these two enemies true compassion, here:

A person who fails to note that he projects his own problems onto people who are suffering is incapable of providing effective help and can, moreover, easily drift into sentimental grief. For this reason it is necessary to make a clear distinction between our own situation and our own mental ecosystem on the one hand and the situation of a person we want to help on the other. Only then is sympathy and empathic understanding possible. When, reality-anchored and from a reliable subjective basis, we thoroughly apprehend the situation of the other, no despondency resulting from identifying with that other is possible.

Foolish helping, or, as some Buddhists call it, idiot compassion, is another distortion of true compassion. Through this we make it easier to get entangled in activities that will cause still further suffering. This is the case, for example, when we give alcohol or drugs to an addict, or cover for a criminal instead of confronting him with his situation. Such foolish help simply makes it harder for the suffering person to break out of the vicious circle of his suffering. Many “helpful measures” taken by people are foolish; the only function they serve is that of an alibi, by covering up guilt feelings and providing a distraction from the actual problems. Genuine compassion and understanding thoroughly and undistorted apprehends reality as it is.

Read more: Spirit, Inspiration

Adapted from The Practice of Happiness by Mirko Fryba (Shambhala, 1995). Copyright (c) 1995 by Mirko Fryba. Reprinted by permission of Shambhala.
Adapted from The Practice of Happiness by Mirko Fryba (Shambhala, 1995).

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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J.L. A.

7:53AM PDT on May 26, 2012

good reminders

send a green star

Michele W.

9:52AM PDT on Aug 13, 2011

Thank you

Stefania C.

7:54AM PDT on Jul 6, 2011

Hard to be always in the right emotion... Again it's easy to judge a situation when you do not live it. I prefer to have a sentimental friend than no friend at all !))

A. J D.

5:50AM PDT on Apr 17, 2011

wounded people need compassion and non-judgemental listeners.
addicted people need cleansing and strengthening to fight the battle that will be theirs perpetually.

Bon L.

1:45AM PST on Feb 27, 2011

Thanks for the info.

Robert O.

1:03PM PST on Feb 26, 2011

Thanks.

Bonnie M.

9:01AM PST on Jan 29, 2011

It is abvious that there are those who are focused only in themselves and their woes. No one needs negativity around.
Some society provide clean needles to addicts and they can justify this, instead of taking them in and help them to the path of rehab. Easier said than done. But- such is life. Lucky for those who are in a positive and re-enforcing relationships.

KS G.

3:52AM PST on Dec 27, 2010

Thanks for the article.

irene f.

1:03PM PDT on Sep 16, 2010

a lot to think about... thanks

Lidia F.

8:49PM PDT on Sep 10, 2010

Our society is very judge mental and arrogant.I always hear the phrase 'get over it'!.That is about as cold as one person can get.
Wonder if our compassion well ran out long ago.