Is It Anger or Abuse?

In the heat of the moment, it can be sometimes difficult to tell the difference between true anger and abuse. This handy checklist can help.

True anger is always mindful.
Abuse is ego-driven and caught in mindsets.

True anger is a form of assertiveness that shows respect.
Abuse is aggressive, an attack.

True anger shows tough love that enriches or repairs the relationship.
Abuse explodes in rough or damaging mistreatment that endangers the relationship.

True anger arises from displeasure at an injustice.
Abuse arises from the sense of an affront to a bruised, indignant ego.

True anger focuses on the injustice as intolerable but reparable.
Abuse focuses on the other person as bad.

True anger aims at a deeper and more effective bond; an angry person moves toward the other.
Abuse wants to get the rage out no matter who gets hurt: an abuser moves against the other.

True anger coexists with and empowers love: fearless.
Abuse cancels love in favor of fear: fear-based.

True anger is nonviolent, in control, and always remains within safe limits.
Abuse is violent, out of control, derisive, punitive, hostile, and retaliatory.

True anger includes grief and acknowledges this.
Abuse includes grief but masks it with feigned invulnerability or denial.

True anger believes the other is a catalyst of anger.
Abuse believes the other is a cause of anger.

True anger treats the other as a peer.
Abuse treats the other as a target.

True anger is a form of addressing, processing, and resolving.
Abuse is a form of avoiding one’s own grief and distress.

Read more: Spirit, Guidance, Self-Help, , abuse, anger

Adapted from How to Be An Adult in Relationships, by David Richo (Shambhala, 2002). Copyright (c) 2002 by David Richo. Reprinted by permission of Shambhala.
Adapted from How to Be An Adult in Relationships, by David Richo (Shambhala, 2002).

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Justin E.

12:19AM PDT on May 24, 2012

Now that you now about what anger is. Next step should be finding ways to deal with anger. I came a cross this site http://www.ways-to-deal-with-anger.sitemoxie.com and helped me out a lot.

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Jennifer C.

5:49AM PDT on Apr 23, 2012

Thanks.

Danuta W.

1:47AM PDT on Apr 21, 2012

very interesting, thanks for sharing this

Donna H.

2:41AM PDT on Mar 28, 2012

Thanks for posting.

Patricia H.

5:28AM PDT on Mar 27, 2012

Thanks for sharing

Patricia A.

7:42AM PDT on Mar 13, 2012

A very interesting list - reminding us how to look at things - and that some anger, properly directed, is just ."True anger focuses on the injustice as intolerable but reparable."

Stephanie S.

11:13AM PST on Feb 12, 2012

Thanks so much for this!

Rosie L.

10:04AM PST on Feb 9, 2012

thanks

Tim C.

9:48AM PST on Feb 2, 2012

J.L. A.

9:42AM PST on Feb 2, 2012

Thanks so much for the effective differentiation.