http://www.care2.com/greenliving/is-it-ever-okay-to-laugh-about-alzheimers.html
Is It Ever Okay to Laugh About Alzheimer’s?
Paula Spencer, Caring.com
Let me say straightaway that Alzheimer’s isn’t funny. And yet, there sure are plenty of moments that make you want to laugh. Or me, anyway.
No doubt dementia is a horrible affliction, in the progressive way it erodes the memories and connectedness of someone you love. But it’s exactly that long slow progressiveness, the years of everyday living situations, that present so many opportunities for absurdity and comedy �as well as so much need for stress release. And laughter (even cracking a smile) really is a proven stress reliever with healing benefits.
Many people cringe at the idea of finding anything remotely lighthearted about their dementia stories, and I respect that. Humor is a pretty individual taste, too. The black humor batted heartily around in some families (mine) is seen as distastefully verboten in others.
Before you strafe me with indignant comments over daring to suggest that there might just be more pluses than minuses to laughing about Alzheimer’s, though, let me point out the following five good reasons to laugh in the face of Alzheimer’s or another dementia:
1. When you both realize something’s funny.
A friend’s mother once decorated a Christmas tree–in spoons, forks, and knives she’d meticulously tied ribbons around. The next day she walked in the room and said, “Well who did a crazy thing like that?” “You did, Grandma,” piped up my friend’s 12-year-old. All three generations had to laugh. Mother and son truly weren’t laughing at their elder; they were laughing with her.
Many people with dementia are capable of “getting” that they say curious things and make silly gaffes. They can even make jokes at their own expense (especially if they’ve always been jolly sorts.) My Dad once told me, “I wish I could forget my bowling scores this week, but so far no such luck!”
2. When you need to let off steam.
For some people, jokes are a form of humor that poke harmless fun. There’s that old saw about the doctor diagnosing cancer in a patient. “And there’s more, I’m afraid. You have Alzheimer’s disease.” “Well,” says the patient cheerfully, “At least I don’t have cancer!”
Politically incorrect? Or a “knowing” moment when swapped between, say, two stressed out family caregivers who get the joke because they’re living it.
3. When you feel the need to lighten a heavy moment.
Professional caregivers often use little impersonal jokes to distract clients from the indignities of, say, needing help with bathing. There’s nothing like unexpected levity to cut tension or alter the mood in a room.
This next example may sound bad written out, but even on her deathbed my mom was making jokes about my dad’s memory. Literally, the day she died! Dad has moderate dementia. “At least we’ll have our memories,” he said to her, sadly. “Not you,” she said with a smile breaking through her pain. “You can’t remember anything any more!” It sounds cruel, perhaps…but, you had to be there. It lightened the mood in that room.
4. When you want to normalize the reality of Alzheimer’s.
Poking fun at the things that scare or upset us, or that tend to be hidden in shadow, can be a great way to bring it into the light. At the 2008 Oscars, host Jon Stewart introduced the film “Away From Her,” about a woman with early-onset Alzheimer’s, for which Julie Christie was nominated, this way: “a film about a woman who forgets her husband–Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year.”
5. When the absurdity of the whole situation strikes you.
You find your car keys in the freezer. Your wife tries to pay for groceries by pulling out a sanitary pad from her wallet. Your husband spends his afternoons “debating” the man in the hall mirror (the “nice fella” who happens to look exactly like him). Those are the moments that zap you anew, every time, that life is different now, life will never be the same.
Who can blame you for rolling your eyes and snickering to a friend or sibling over the phone about such incidents? “So today Dad answered the door in his underwear again, only to find the minister struggling to maintain her composure (while Dad was as oblivious as if he were wearing his Sunday best!).” Sure it’s “telling tales” on Dad. But some situations just beg to be shared, if only as a way for us to say, “See, I’m not crazy–this really is hard work here!”
Caring.com was created to help you care for your aging parents, grandparents, and other loved ones. As the leading destination for eldercare resources on the Internet, our mission is to give you the information and services you need to make better decisions, save time, and feel more supported. Caring.com provides the practical information, personal support, expert advice, and easy-to-use tools you need during this challenging time.
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64 comments
add your comment »Sometimes I do find humor in the very darkness that is Alzheimer's Disease. My mother will say things that can be very funny even though she doesn't mean to be funny. I find that the laughter at these moments is a welcome relief to a vey unwelcome situastion.
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i am the primary caregiver for my mother who suffers from dementia. it's pretty much a 24/7. it's both mentally and physically exhausting also. sometimes my mother will say the funniest things and i do laugh, although mainly to myself and i share the stories with some who would also think it funny. i would never let my mother know this. many times, there can be humor in tragedy. i truly love and adore my mother but dementia can be funny...
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Hello Yolande
What an amazing article? Bless your heart and thank you for making me feel so humble in comparison to you. You and your family must be such special people. Good luck for the future.
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I sincerely hope Alzheimer's passes you by, Yolanda. You have a great attitude. We can't control what cards life deals us, but we can control how we respond to the hardships in life. You sound like someone I'd like to know.
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Alheizmer's runs in my family. My mama had it, my great grandma had it, and my birth mom is showing signs of it. I was raised by my grandma (mama) and I watched her beginning signs of it when I was just beginning high school. She laughed at herself many times and we laughed with her when she would forget things. I think that if the person needs a laugh to help deal with what they're going through, by all means, laugh.She knew what was happening when she would forget the potatoes in the microwave she intended to serve for dinner and discovered them several hours after dinner was over when she went to put her cup of hot tea in there. She would remove the potatoes and stand and laugh. But she knew it was the beginning. She watched her mother go through it too. We spent at least every other day at the nursing home with my great grandma, taking care of her and doing things for her. Mama would sing, and tell old jokes from her childhood and my great grandma would laugh and sing too and you could tell it lightened her mood to be around someone even if she couldn't remember who Mama was. Later when Mama was in that state, she would mistake me for my birth mom cause of course I look like her. Instead of letting it get me down, I would try to find a light hearted way to deal with it.My parents always loved humor and so did my great grandparents and I think it's better to be able to smile than to cry or be totally sad the whole time. And Mental health professionals would agree.
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Keys in the freezer... been there. My dad would put everything in the freezer, or under his pillow. At first my mom would get upset or annoyed when we laughed about it, but HE would laugh about it too. It wasn't until she found a way to let herself find the humor in it that she was able to cope with my dad's Alzheimer's.
Thank you for a lovely article.
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My father and I cared for my mother for 10 years as her dementia slowly progressed. The best way my Dad and I managed to cope without totally "losing it" was with humor.
It is not my intent to judge anyone who provides care to those who need it most. It was a long learning process for all of us as we grew through the years to understand the illness and the best ways for us to provide the quality of life my Mom deserved.
All I know is that we all loved each other very much and my Dad and I learned how to "lighten up" during the stressful times. It helped us help my Mom when she needed us most.
Caregivers are angels on earth and unfortunately their lights are often times extinguished before those for whom they provide care. Such was the case with my Dad. His beautiful spirit left this earth three years before my Mom passed away and his example of being a loving, caring and humorous caregiver will never be forgotten.
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Sarah of course there is nothing funny about having Alzheimer's which is why I suggested laugh with them not at them. The confusion as many have posted can give rise to some amusing situations and it is how one reacts that makes the difference between caring, coping and despair. Humour can certainly lighten any situation and be a coping mechanism in itself but one has to use it wisely!
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I don't find anything funny about a person, especially a person you really care about, not being able to remember anything like their own family or who they are or where they live. It's a scary thing.
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This is a lovely article, and I empathise with it wholly, as my beloved mother has dementia, and on a recent visit I witnessed her struggling to remember what she wanted to say. I found it very difficult and painful to deal with, as I live so far away.
Thank you.
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