Is Therapy Killing Love?

By Frank Furedi, Ode Magazine

Every society expresses its beliefs about human nature in distinct ways. Traditionally, it has been myths, rituals and religion that explain how a particular group of people view the possibilities and limitations of human action. In modern Western culture, however, psychological therapy has become the most powerful force determining how we see ourselves and the world.

More than just a clinical procedure, therapy has become a culture in itself. And the main belief of this new culture is that peoples’ emotional state is the source of most problems today. Therapy culture frames the experience of everyday life as a struggle that ordinary people can not survive without professional guidance. It asserts that our usual networks of support—friends, family neighbours—are too feeble to helps us in our hour of need. Indeed, therapy culture suggests those closest to us are often the source of emotional difficulties. This is why we are increasingly discouraged from dealing with problems on their own or in collaboration with friends or family members. We now live in an age of counsellors, facilitators, life trainers, mentors, parenting coaches and analysts. The promotion of professional solutions to routine everyday problems is driven by this new cultural assumption in which we think of ourselves as vulnerable and lacking the resources to cope.

Therapists and counsellors of all kinds continually send a message that the human condition is defined by vulnerability and that people should not tackle difficult emotional issues without expert advice. This is why we have come to depend so greatly on professional “helpers” in our personal lives.

There is of course nothing wrong with professionals. If I need someone to represent me in court, perform heart surgery or assess the structural engineering of my house, I will certainly consult a professional. The problem with the professionalisation of everyday life is that we no longer rely on paid experts simply for technical matters. Professionals are now called in to manage people’s personal relationships and run their private affairs.

Over recent decades, basic relationships between people seem to have grown more complicated. An expectation of failure and instability clouds the institution of marriage, and even of living together. It is now typical for people to approach private relationships with a heightened sense of emotional risk. This is probably the greatest problem with therapy culture: the way it has intensified our insecurities about finding love and experiencing fulfilling and passionate relationships.

Next: Warnings against loving too much

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Read more: Family, General Health, Health, Mental Wellness, Self-Help, Spirit

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Ian M.

12:29PM PST on Dec 14, 2009

Elizabeth,

She was, I am, we were, and thank you - me too! :>)

Ian

send a green star

Elizabeth A.

2:51AM PST on Dec 14, 2009

Ian,

She sounded like an absolutely, amazing lovely woman, and YOU sound all the more better for having had her in your life. The two of you were lucky to have found one another; I'm genuinely glad for you that you did. :)

4:54PM PST on Dec 13, 2009

Thank YOU, Elizabeth. Just mostly passing on what I've been given. I wish you could have known her!

IAn

1:28AM PST on Dec 13, 2009

Teresa,
I second Chana's sentiments and feel sad for you.

Ian,
THANK YOU (!) for taking the time out to add your two cents. I felt your comments were priceless and definitely worth sharing, however "long winded" they may have seemed. Insightful, eloquent, inspirational, warm, your words are worth being repeated (and Care2 seems to agree!).
Thanks again, Ian, for your lovely sentiments.

Zoi I.

1:51PM PST on Dec 11, 2009

This is, without a doubt, the most ridiculous article I've read at Care2. The man says: "Sober realism overwhelms the magic of passionate intimacy"-- sorry, but magic and passion are not the foundation of long-lasting relationships. Realism, on the other hand, involves preparedness and willingness to deal with possibilities. It's realistic to acknowledge sometimes your partner will annoy you. It's realistic to know you have to have your own life and interests in order to remain a vital person. It's realistic to know that finances are unpredictable. Apparently the the author has never had a relationship lasting longer than the standard teenage crush.

And therapy has helped a huge number of people. The excessive examples cited in the article are just that-- excessive, and not representative of the actuality. Therapists are trying to gain control of us? Please, put your tinfoil hat back on.

Agata S.

4:34AM PST on Dec 4, 2009

I don't think that therapy can kill love. I think a therapy makes people to be honest, to face their own feelings and needs, to talk to their partners openly. And sometimes this is the moment when two people say each other that they no longer want or know how to be together.That's all.

Sarah J.

11:58AM PST on Dec 2, 2009

As a counselor, I find my profession to be quite different than what is described. True there are some therapeutic approaches that are "problem-focused." However, if you look at the field as a whole-including Professional Counselors, Clinical Social Workers, and Marriage & Family Therapists in addition to traditional psychologists and psychiatrists-you will find that our goal is not to diagnose, label, and scrutinize. In fact, many of us prefer NOT to label our clients, acknowledging that they are experiencing challenges they would like help dealing with. Our healthcare system, unfortunately, requires us to make diagnoses in order to provide assistance. It's not the goal of myself or any of my colleagues to become a crutch on which our clients rely, but rather to provide a temporary, outside perspective to help others work through difficult experiences.
On the issue of love, fear, joy, sadness - all of the human emotions - it is our job to help people understand these emotions. How many of us grew up with parents who could identify their own emotions, much less help us identify ours? Oftentimes, people simply need help identifying feelings so they can see patterns for themselves and then strive for the life they want to lead. An objective outsider, with sincere empathy does not harm the human spirit but enhances it. Honestly, I wish my profession did not need to exist and that we all could live in the present moment, peacefully with one another. Sadly, that is not the c

5:17AM PST on Dec 2, 2009

This is weird! This is the second article with multiple copies of my comments, but now it also has a comment I posted on another article entirely! No idea what's up here, but sorry, folks!

Ian

5:15AM PST on Dec 2, 2009

Vanja,

Gays will tell you, and science backs this up, that they have been gay since childhood, and most of them come from straight, hetero families. The numbers aren't equal between kids from hetero and gay families because gays are a minority. In gay or straight situations, the percentage of children who are gay is the same. Gay men often recall identifying with the princess in childhood stories when they were small, and falling in love with the prince. They're born that way. Considering it a disorder is just your own, unfounded prejudice. Children need consistent love, teaching, socializing, correction and imposed discipline (NOT abuse!) until they develop self-discipline. They need protection, food, clothing, housing, medical care and emotional support, all of which they can count on. They don't care about the gender or sexual or other preferences of those who parent them. They return love to those who fulfill the survival necessities of children. That's how humans are made.

Your attitude is a projection of your own fear, nothing more. Yes, they need role models, but a strong, caring, good parent IS a good role model, and sex doesn't enter into the equation; children don't observe sex anyway, and when they do, generally by accident, they wonder what's going on, but there's no reason, no trauma, that would cause it to twist and change them in any destructive fashion, and it certainly couldn't alter something as basic as who they're attracted to. The role modeling ki

2:33AM PST on Dec 2, 2009

Once and again:

And be honest with each other, always! I've declined to hear secrets from friends who insisted that I keep them even from my beloved. They're safer with Us than with just me, and if my hope of life had depended on her discretion, I wouldn't have worried. If something stings your ego a bit, it likely has some truth to it - look at it! And don't let that small sting grow; it was pointed out to you out of love, and that outweighs just about everything else, as your relationship outweighs other friendships. I also tried to get her to laugh at least once after we went to bed; sometimes I was even rewarded with a real belly laugh! Bed is a great place to laugh; after all, when you think about it, humans are pretty ridiculous creatures, aren't they? :>) And if your partner answers questions about the past, remember that who s/he was isn't who s/he is now, and that everything that person did contributed to the person in front you with whom you fell in love! Don't ask questions like,"How many bedpartners have you had in your life?" if you don't want to hear the answer, and if you do, remember what I said about the past contributing to the present. We are not who we were; hopefully we've learned a bit. Luck, Long Life, and Love! Ian