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It’s The Crazy Cats or Me!

  • a Care2 favorite by Susan Wagner
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It’s The Crazy Cats or Me!

By Susan Wagner, DVM, MS, DACVIM

There I was at my friend Jim’s 60th birthday party, enjoying the many stories he was being roasted with. Someone yelled to his wife, Patty, “Tell the cat story”. We had all heard it a thousand times, but never the less, we asked for it again.

Jim had two cats, Frankie and Alexandra, who were pretty spoiled. He loved them very much, and they knew they were the apples of his eye. Once Patty came into the mix, the dynamic changed. Jim was smitten with the human love of his life. He and Patty married.

It appeared that neither cat was thrilled with their new mom. (At least that’s the common interpretation of this story–the one everyone at the party had come to believe.) Frankie and Alexandra showed their displeasure by urinating in the most inappropriate ways.

For example, Patty spent hours of hard work refinishing an old dresser for their new home. When it was finally done, she unveiled it to Jim. What a beautiful job she had done. Layers of old paint gave way to beautiful wood. Frankie walked up to it and sniffed around. “Hmm, I remember this. Must have taken mom a long time to get it looking so good” He then turned his back to the dresser, and let it fly, or should I say squirt. Urine came dripping down the side of the beautiful wood. And shrieks of horror came from Patty’s mouth.

But it didn’t stop there. No matter how nice Patty was to them, Frankie and Alexandra weren’t buying it, or so it seemed. Then the moment came, the one we listeners loved to hear over and over. Patty and Jim were sitting on the couch, and Alexandra jumped on Patty’s lap. How nice–was she finally giving in? Was she finally showing her new mom affection? We held our breaths–it was not so much affection as a strong message. Alexandra let loose a huge expulsion of urine, right on Patty’s lap.

“You have a choice”, she screamed to Jim. “It’s these crazy cats or me!” “I wouldn’t put it that way”, came Jim’s reply. Spoken like a true cat person.

Next page: Things Aren’t What They Seem

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Susan Wagner

Dr. Susan Wagner is a board certified veterinary neurologist whose pioneering work acknowledges the bioenergetic interaction between people and animals. She is an advocate for change in the area of interpersonal violence and animal cruelty, and works toward a greater understanding surrounding the health implications of the human-animal bond. Dr. Wagner is an Adjunct Assistant Professor at The Ohio State University Veterinary College, a Level IV Healing Touch for Animals practitioner and co-author of Through A Dog’s Ear.


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5:41PM PDT on Aug 29, 2010

There's only 1 way to deal with "pissy" cats; first have the vet check them for incontinance. Meanwhile, make sure you have at least 2 littlerboxes per house level until they start behaving. Lastly, bribe them with meat so they like you & spray them with the water bottle if it even looks like they're going to pee on something.

7:06AM PDT on Aug 19, 2010

I agree with everything that is written in this article. I couldn't have said it better myself. You have such insight Dr. Wagner. Bravo!

9:50PM PDT on Jul 31, 2010

Pretty interesting! Thanks!

6:27PM PDT on Jul 20, 2010

Something is wrong with these cats.

8:33AM PDT on Jul 20, 2010

I love the "how to pill a cat". I know that some cats are horrible when you try to pill them, but mine are very good. In fact, I've never had a problem (no more than a squirm or wiggle) pilling the many, many cats I've taken in. I think a lot of it has to do with the person's attitude. I EXPECT my cats to behave and they do. Many people already have anxiety when they start and the cat thinks something is wrong. But I approach my cats in a very matter of fact way, tell them what the pill is for and give a treat afterward (sometimes just a chin scratch is a great treat!) No problems.

7:53PM PDT on Jul 19, 2010

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little %*#**!*# front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA

7:51PM PDT on Jul 19, 2010

How To Give Your Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harm

10:07AM PDT on Jul 19, 2010

For creatures with no "human" language, cats can certainly communicate very clearly- and succinctly- at times. One of my favorites is the raking fore-paw motion that signals "only fit for the litter tray." Gentler than being peed on!

3:20PM PDT on Jul 15, 2010


10:16PM PDT on Jul 14, 2010

I loved this!

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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Thanks for sharing this article with us Zoe! I'll definitely have to check the labels more closely n… precious! That thing can keep a kitty entertained for hours!

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