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Loveologist: Looking for Happiness

Loveologist: Looking for Happiness

I’ve never had any luck with relationships. Most of the time I either get restless within a couple weeks or the guy is a jerk and treats me poorly. I’ve been dating my current boyfriend for about four months and he’s really great. We do lots of fun things together, he’s supportive, kind, and actually cares about our relationship. So why am I still unsatisfied? I always thought that once I got a really good guy it would be easier to be in a relationship. We haven’t had sex yet because I’ve had some less than stellar sexual experiences and haven’t felt very sexual lately.  But he’s been very patient and there’s honestly nothing I would change about him. And I do have a tendency to become infatuated with guys I know I wouldn’t be able to have a real relationship with, so I find it hard to trust my own feelings which have lead me very awry.  So how do I know if he’s just not the right guy or if I am just bad at relationships?  How do I become more able to sustain a healthy, caring relationship?

Many people refuse being happy and satisfied in life. In fact most people’s worst enemy is themselves and no where more so, then in their intimate relationships. Human beings have on average over 3000 thoughts per day and for many people a good 2500 of them are thoughts of unworthiness, doubt and self hatred.  This negative thinking can come so fast and furiously that they work to make their outer world reflect the negativity inside. It is a common and vicious cycle.

Bravo for your insight and ability to question the pattern you have witnessed playing out in your life relationships. The most powerful tool we have for combating negative thinking patterns is the ability to bear witness. What we pay attention to multiplies so even if you can ‘t substitute negative thoughts with positive ones,  just the ability to witness and question old patterns can change your life.

Many people confuse the feelings of falling in love with the real work of ongoing relationships.  You don’t have to feel infatuated with someone to be able to open yourself and your heart to be seen and be willing to do that for someone else.  You don’t have to be giddy to witness kindness and consideration and be able to reciprocate it. These are developmental skills that improve with attention. Growing a relationship with someone else has everything to do with how we feel about ourselves. Sometimes we can’t receive the kindness from a good guy because we don’t believe we are worth it. This is the same energy that will work to dismantle all the positive things that are working for you.

Get to the basics in listening and trusting your feelings. Don’t move towards the story lines that can easily confuse and lead you away from your real feelings. Trust the kind of questioning you are doing now and don’t make it more complicated than it is. Healing your relationship history is intimately tied to your sexual history.   Like many women you may have used sexuality to deal with issues that were emotional. Make sure that you build up a foundation of trust with who ever you are with that includes clear and positive communicating,  a sense of safety that comes from showing up for each other and having some good thoughts about the ways you are together before you bring the fire into it.  Trust the basic truth that you deserve to be loved and it may look and feel different than you have let yourself imagine.


Read more: Ask the Loveologist, Inspiration, Love, Relationships, Sex, Spirit, ,

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.

32 comments

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6:08PM PDT on Jun 12, 2011

If you can't feel fulfilment on your own, you won't find it together!

12:30PM PDT on May 14, 2011

Sometimes, people compare the other person to one they were with before. He/She always did this, or would never do that. if he/she were a little more like, these are mistakes that are made a lot of times. If you're in a new releationship remember it's with a NEW PERSON. Don't look for things in the person to compare. Find yourself first, what is it you really want and need, then you can learn to enjoy the new person in your life. Hey, you're new to him/her to.

2:37PM PDT on May 9, 2011

Though our partner's would always appear as "supportive, kind, and actually cares about our relationship" but somehow we always feel empty, unsatisfied and unhappy. I guess the reason is that we are not able to hear the kind of words that we want to hear from our partner... or may be because we just don't ask the right question(s)? Thanks for your sharing! Cheers!

1:19PM PDT on May 8, 2011

much to ponder as i continue my longing and fearing of the significant other relationship

4:38AM PDT on May 4, 2011

Yes, I hope enough of the good.

4:38AM PDT on May 4, 2011

Yes, I hope enough of the good.

12:51AM PDT on May 3, 2011

thank you

12:07PM PDT on May 2, 2011

Thanks sounds like good advice we were a long time into our relationship before sex and it has lasted about 30 years and still going

8:08AM PDT on May 2, 2011

Intentional living

3:59AM PDT on May 2, 2011

Love is give and take and compromise

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