Mutinous Body, Thriving Soul

If you have multiple sclerosis, does it invade your dreams?

Years ago, during an interview with Larry King, the late Christopher Reeve said, “you know, as a matter of fact, in my dreams — I have never been disabled in my dreams — so my subconscious insists that I am whole, and I follow my subconscious.”

Without a doubt, our minds and our bodies are strongly connected, but not inextricably so. There are moments when we can divorce ourselves from the physical to sail blissfully free from restriction into new worlds.

When I first read the Christopher Reeve quote I realized that I, too, was free from disability in my dreams. Even my nightmares were free of the reality of MS.

Then things took a strange turn with a run of dreams that actually focused on my inability to run or even to walk when facing great danger.

In these dreams I am usually lost, or late for something, when my legs cease to move. I am stranded and ignored by passersby. My cane is too short to be of any use, or eludes my grasp. The worst dream was when when I watched my own panic from afar as I went blind.

Ironically, these upsetting dreams occurred during an extended period of remission from MS, a time when my symptoms were almost non-existent and my focus anywhere and everywhere but on MS. Remission is sweet respite.

The psychology behind our dreams and the symbolism contained therein is complicated, and I’m certainly no expert. But I have a theory based upon my knowledge of myself. I’ve known me for a long time, and am well aware of my natural instinct to compartmentalize things.

When in an MS relapse, I take on the role of the fighter who won’t back down. My refusal to surrender my psyche to MS leads me to dream of a world in which MS does not exist. Ah, but remission can mess with your head, too. Just when you think you’ve pushed thoughts of MS aside for the time being, it pops up in a dream, an untimely reminder of fears unspoken.

My own journey through diagnosis and learning to cope has taught me a lot about this business of living. Just as I was hitting midlife, the body I knew so well became a stranger, and a sometimes frightening one at that. But the person who lives inside this mutinous body is not only surviving, but thriving, feeling better and accomplishing more than I ever thought possible.

Obstacles? We’ve all got them. It’s in how we choose to handle them that our true self emerges. Inside, I’m still me, only older, wiser, and more in tune with myself than before MS entered the picture.

I agree with Christopher Reeve. Whether MS appears in my dreams or not, I am whole. MS cannot change that basic fact.

Writer Ann Pietrangelo embraces the concept of personal responsibility for health and wellness. As a multiple sclerosis patient, she combines a healthy lifestyle and education with modern medicine, and seeks to provide information and support to others. She is a regular contributor to Care2.com’s Reform Health Policy blog in Causes.

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Julia W.

9:41PM PDT on May 20, 2010

Sometimes I'm disabled in my dreams, but usually only in nightmares. Mostly I'm just how I was pre-spinal cord injury. Occasionally I'll be running and walking with ease and suddenly realize - "Hey, I can't usually do that - cool!". But then, my dreams are weirder than most. Last night I dreamed that my soul was made of an apple cut into pieces, and a few had gone missing. Of course I thought this was perfectly normal in my dream-logic. So I'm probably NOT the best example here.....

send a green star

JE L.

4:39PM PST on Jan 30, 2010

Thanks, again.

Abo r.

8:01AM PST on Jan 6, 2010

Lets hope

Daniella I.

6:18PM PST on Nov 20, 2009

I only read this article today and just earlier to-day I came upon Christopher Reeve’s words too:
"So many dreams at first seem impossible. And then they seem improbable. And then when we summon the will, they soon become inevitable.”
When are we ‘awake’ and when ‘dreaming’?? Who is dreaming? Who?
...The true self, the one “before MS entered the picture”, before any of the experiences happened to it, is still It. The journey is for the Thriving, the experiences, the lessons about “us” that we learn, and the Attitude, the sharing, not exactly What but How...
...and MS CAN leave ‘the picture’ and I thank you for your kind words, Ann!!

Namaste

Dale C.

12:20AM PST on Nov 18, 2009

Thats totally different to me and some of my friends who since being diagnosed have not dreamed or can not remember them!

Danielle G.

6:48PM PST on Nov 17, 2009

What an amazing story and center of hope and growth you bring to people you never would have been able to had MS not come into your life.
I do believe all things happen for a reason. Imagine where your life would be today had you not had the oppurtunity to spread the word of strength to those who most need to hear it.
As for the dreams. IT sucks when the unconscious fears that the monster will rear its head again disturbs your sleep and won't allow you to fully enjoy a symptom free life.

Ann P.

10:07AM PST on Nov 17, 2009

Sara, thank you so much for the kind words.

Actually, I very much enjoy watching Mystery Diagnosis, and how the docs put together pieces of the puzzle. It's such a joy when the patient finally gets the long-awaited answer!

Sara N.

9:25PM PST on Nov 16, 2009

What a wonderful story, you are truely an inspiration.

I myself have been sick for several years and so far through lots of tests, medication trials and different specialists still have no answers or diagnosis. It's interesting where you find hope and respit, in the last year I've developed an addiction to medical shows like Diagnosis X and Mystery Diagnosis. They remind me that my feelings are valid, that I'm not the only person who spends years trying to find out what is making me sick. It gives me hope and reminds me that it's ok to get downhearted from time to time.

Thank you for taking the time to share your story and the lessons that this condition (I never think of it as a disability, we aren't disabled just differently abled and remember this is the nature of invention) has taught you. Keep faith and all your good dreams will come true.