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Pain Substitution

Pain Substitution

ďYour pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.Ē –Kahlil Gibran

Our relationship to pain in life is an interesting one. The idea that a successful life could be measured by the amount of pleasure or pain we experience is as erroneous as the idea that as humans we seek to avoid pain. In truth, many of us seek out painful experiences or at least knowingly and willingly submit to them. This has occurred to me recently in the back and forth driving I have been doing with my sonís daily double soccer practices.

Bruised and aching when he gets home in the morning and† exhausted in the evening, he sleeps and feels worst of all each morning when he gets up to start over again. Yet, there he is dragging his body out of bed at 7 am, committed to inflicting more physical pain on himself. He can do it because he knows it will get easier as he gets stronger and believes that this intensity of training is important for the team.

This is only one example of physical pain that we welcome into our lives. Body arts which are equally painful are also increasingly popular. A 2006 study done by the† Journal of the† American Academy of Dermatology, found that one in four Americans between 18-50 have at least one tattoo. For younger people, the percentage leapt to over one in three. The same study showed similar statistics for body piercings. Here again, we walk into those painful experiences willingly. Perhaps because we believe that the final art is worth the pain.

Yet our opening to physical pain rarely translates into a willingness to observe and work with emotional pain. In fact equally disturbing percentages of people fall into self injury practices of cutting, burning or bruising to relieve their inability to deal with their emotions. Although this behavior reflects the most extreme response we have to emotional pain, the resistance and fear we have to feeling and experiencing our pain wreaks havoc in our ability to create and sustain the relationships and life we long for.

Heartbreak is a normal and expected outcome in life. Think about it, do you know anyone who hasnít experienced some form of heartbreak?† By virtue of being human and in relationship to other humans and even animals,† life presents a wide array of† opportunities to experience loss, rejection, and pain. Our heart is the hardest working muscle in our body which never rests and yet we rarely trust itís capacity to bear up to the inevitable pain associated with loving and losing.

The myriad of ways that we invent to avoid our emotional pain or substitute physical pain does a disservice to our hearts. In the same way that we build our bodyís strength by allowing it to experience and endure pain, our heartís capacity for courage develops and transmutes into a deep emotional intelligence that has often been called wisdom.

When we believe our emotional pain will debilitate us and that we will never recover from the grief and loss we experience we belittle what is strongest in us. In the same way that we become familiar with and extend the boundaries of our capacity to push through physical pain to know our strength. The exercise of facing and working with our emotional pain is at the core of a passionate vital heart.

Embrace Your Emotions
Welcoming Your Emotional Genius
The Emotions Behind Specific Body Aches

Read more: Blogs, Love, Making Love Sustainable, Mental Wellness, Relationships, Self-Help, , ,

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.† In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,† she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative advice.†It has been called "the essential guide for relationships." †The book is available on ebook.† Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


+ add your own
12:32PM PDT on Oct 24, 2013

Strange that it's hard to remember exactly what physical pain felt like - I suppose that's why we're not all only children! Yet emotional pain is very easy to remember.

4:23PM PST on Jan 5, 2013

to each their own

8:43AM PDT on Sep 17, 2010

Being in chronic pain for decades, I have absolutely no pain tolerance anymore.

4:31PM PDT on Sep 15, 2010

i get tattoos and piercing to get all my pain and angry out . i try to get tattoos every so often. they are such a release of pain and all you emotions. a piercing as well

3:50PM PDT on Sep 9, 2010


1:46PM PDT on Sep 8, 2010

really nice! thanks.

5:24PM PDT on Sep 7, 2010


3:31AM PDT on Sep 7, 2010


10:29PM PDT on Sep 6, 2010

Thanks for the article. Most of people afraid the pains but don't know how to relief from it.We can have some good concepts from this article.

5:01AM PDT on Sep 6, 2010

thanks to info

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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people are talking

@ Harry S - I can't believe anyone is really that stupid. You must be pulling our leg...

Thanks for the reminder.

thank you, interesting


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