Parents vs. Childfree Adults-- Why Can't We Just Get Along?

By Dr. Ellen L. Walker

Why can’t parents and childfree adults get along?

Not too long ago a client picked up a copy of my book, Complete Without Kids: An Insider’s Guide to Childfree Living by Choice or by Chance, at the local bookstore. I saw her a couple of weeks later, and she shared with dismay that her teenage son had confiscated the book and was enjoying reading it. She added that she hoped he wouldn’t get any “ideas” from the book, because she is so much looking forward to being a grandmother.

I didn’t really know how to respond to her comments. Was I supposed to apologize for writing a book that may result in a young person realizing that becoming a parent is a choice, and that his life can be full and rich with or without children? Later, in reflecting on the incident, I realized that there have been other times when I’ve felt a similar awkwardness. It’s always been around women, usually friends and relatives who have teenagers or young adult children. It doesn’t matter if the children are male or female, the key is that they are potential grandchildren-makers, and grandma wannabes don’t want anything to get in the way of this happening.

My personal tendency is to feel like I should keep my mouth shut about my book and any discussion of the subject of a potential life without kids, because to do otherwise might damage my relationship with my friend or relative.

There is increasing friction between childfree adults and parents, and this is coming from both sides. On one hand, adults without kids are suddenly starting to speak out, to question why they are being discriminated against in the work place and why they don’t get tax breaks, when they’re the segment of society that utilizes the least number of services supported by our taxes. Some are asking for childfree seating areas on airplanes and for parents to take responsibility for keeping their children quiet so that others on the plane are not disturbed.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Danuta W.

12:35AM PDT on May 4, 2012

Thanks for the article.

send a green star

Jenny D.

8:58AM PDT on Aug 26, 2011

It does irritate me when I read "adults without kids are suddenly starting to speak out, to question why they are being discriminated against in the work place and why they don’t get tax breaks, when they’re the segment of society that utilizes the least number of services supported by our taxes."

Do these people not realize that children grow up to be doctors, nurses, police, firefighters, people to make and mend roads and cars, people to grow food and prepare and serve it, people to make goods to buy in stores and to sell them ....? And that the children who will grow up to be those people are small and highly dependent for a long time, and that therefore they need parents willing to commit the time and energy to the process of raising the next generation of healthy adults?

If you don't want children, that's fine - it is mostly a choice these days. But don't whine about doing your share of tax paying and accommodating the needs of the people who will be keeping society running and taking care of you if you become old and helpless. That shouldn't be a choice.

KS G.

2:54AM PDT on Aug 26, 2011

jane r.

8:50AM PDT on Jul 10, 2011

friends were child free then I had a baby. soon after so did they.

Lori K.

7:14PM PDT on May 18, 2011

Sorry, one last thing. All of my children have said they want to adopt children, instead of having their own. What else could I expect? They have spent their formative years rescuing animals, so they want to extend the same to humans.

Who cares? I think it's wonderful. A baby doesn't have to share my genes for me to love it. And if my three choose to never reproduce, it is better for the planet.

If you want grandchildren, volunteer at an elementary or pre-school. You will get so much love in return, that you will never miss your own.

7:04PM PDT on May 18, 2011

People seem to go out of their way to find things to be confrontational about. Parents need to teach their children manners. Non-parents need to understand that sometimes even the best behaved of children will sometimes squeal, simply because they still perceive their surroundings with wonder and joy, and become overwhelmed.

Parents that allow their children to trash things, to grab, touch, and destroy things that are not theirs are not doing their jobs. Children need to understand what the word "NO" means.

Non-parents need to cut parents some slack, as long as they are trying to teach their child proper behavior. I thought my children would never master appropriate behavior.

Imagine my joy when fellow teachers, those who had taught my children, told me in front of a crowd that my children were "wonderful", "a joy to teach", "very kind", and had "lovely manners". These certainly weren't the children I saw at home, with rampant fights and screaming, but something had obviously sunk in.

Let's give each other the courtesy we expect from our children. Parents, most people don't find Junior's antics as cute as you do. Non-parents, most children are not going out of their way to irritate you. They are children, so show them some patience and teach them proper behavior.

Mary Lou N.

12:29PM PDT on May 16, 2011

I have been paying for hundreds of thousands of children my whole working life as all of you have. How many generations of welfare is there now? That is the conflict I see. I have many friends with and without -- no conflict. Once I survived the hormonal surge of my late 30's/ early 40's, I became quite content in not having any kids. I never saw it as a duty or a right. Fortunately no parental pressure. It saddens me that children are seen as tax right offs.

Thea S.

11:12AM PDT on May 13, 2011

In Elizabeth Gilbert's book "committed", she talks lengthily about this choice to not have children, and brings up an interesting fact: that the number of childless women in society has never gone below 10% (though it's much higher today). And in connection with this she points to how women without children are like the "back-up" moms when something goes wrong with those who gave birth, and we should be grateful for them.

Personally, when telling my mother that I might not want to have children, or I might adopt, she said that it is sometimes considered ego-centric to not have children. Can somebody explain this? Because that seems completely backwards. What's more is that it is definitely ego-centric to push your child into having children so that you can have grandchildren.

TQ M.

12:53PM PDT on May 11, 2011

Intolerant, crazy people. Why must anyone have a problem with someone who chooses not to have kids?? It is their choice! It doesn't say anything bad about them nor does it insult those who choose to have kids. I'd like to have kids, whether I do or not remains to be seen (PCOS = major fertility issues). Either way, I'll be happy. And as a woman who'd like to be a mother someday, I still get extremely annoyed with those parents who don't take care of their kids or teach them how to behave in public. Infants and toddlers do not belong in movie theaters. Can't afford a babysitter? Then you probably shouldn't be dishing out $10/ticket to see the latest movie. My personal views, when I have kids they won't be going to the movies until they can sit still and watch the entire thing. And if I end up being childfree, I don't mind paying taxes to keep the schools up and running, because those kids are the ones who eventually grow up and run things and I certainly don't want them all to be idiots!

Bottom line: stop judging and just try to get along for once people! And by no means are your own children required to give you grandkids.

Shirley E.

9:34AM PDT on May 10, 2011

I think lots of people judge their own value by what they contribute to the gene pool and don't think much to those of us who haven't made a deposit! I just felt instinctively it wasn't for me, but I do think that being unfettered by the cares of parenthood means I should contribute something significant in place of that state and it worries me that thus far I haven't managed that!