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Physical Conversations

Physical Conversations

I have many friends who not only sleep with their husbands only on rare occasions, but are also so distanced from this intimacy that they can’t even talk about it. I would go even further and suggest that most of their conversations probably move them further away from intimacy than towards it. Connecting with our verbal language has its limits–especially since men and women don’t just speak differently, we also hear differently. This is why I urge all of my closest friends to explore an entirely different dialogue, one where the spoken word is left outside the door, and the conversation is lead and answered with what some would argue is our true intelligence–the body.

Our bodies do have a profound intelligence for which we rarely give them credit. Emotions are not actually thoughts running around your brain, although this is how we often describe them; they are actually visceral experiences that live in one’s body, as true as chills on a windy night or burning skin in a late spring sun.

A conversation without words is often times the only answer in a conjugal life. It took me a very long time to learn this. The countless ways that I would rephrase my frustration with my husband’s silences and perceived lack of interest was continuously lost on deaf ears. I’m not sure the messages ever even reached his ears, my expression and body language was loud enough for him to get my negativity toward him with out needing to hear a word.

Contrary to popular belief, these wordless conversations of the body have nothing to do with being “in the mood.” In fact, if you haven’t been physically intimate in a while, then the mood concept is a moot point. A physical conversation requires a willingness to be vulnerable enough to be touched, to allow your body to truly feel someone with you. This has nothing to do with sexual arousal, and yet without this permission, sexual arousal is impossible.

Listening and asking questions with the body are skills we mastered as children. Some of these conversations will culminate in sexual pleasure, while some may provide a physical reflection of the borders that keep you separate. In either case, the journey of opening up to your own body will change the conversation. I guarantee that by taking the conversation to the body you will hear something that words could not communicate. Physical conversations can only help to make the subsequent verbal conversations kinder and more meaningful.

Stay tuned for next week’s series, The Mysterious “O”.

Wendy Strgar, the owner and founder of Good Clean Love, manufacturer of all natural love and intimacy products. She is a sex educator focusing on “Making Love Sustainable,” a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. She has learned that physical intimacy is an important component of sustaining healthy loving relationships through her own marriage of over 25 years.

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


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3:46PM PDT on Mar 13, 2013


5:05AM PDT on Mar 13, 2013


7:37PM PDT on Mar 11, 2013


8:55PM PDT on Jun 14, 2009

8:20AM PDT on Apr 14, 2009

Mary M's comments sum it up and got me thinking. Men seem to be everything a woman wants until the newness wears off. Women want the man to continue being the wonderful romantic partner. This is nature. But...from the time the newness wears off, a man MAY participate in a woman's efforts to rekindle the newness phenomenon...but it would only be in an attempt to make her happy. is impossible for him to feel that initial spark ever again! Woman's ego feels bruised, she reacts in various unrealistic ways. But..if and when woman can gain the understanding of man's limitations in this regard, woman need have no further expectations and can move on to a more mature approach to her relationship. I really don't want to make the traditionally advised overtures knowing that if he responds it will be to make me happy...such a fake. Instead, I need to revel in the ways that he loves me, his love is strong, it just manifests in ways that I sometimes don't see or understand. How to know and absorb that love in order to respond to him in a meaningful and positive way is our challenge as women. Do physical and eye conversations work when you're in your 60's? I welcome anything that may help to enhance the relations and sense of closeness, although in my understanding, men are just not desiring it the way we women are.

8:20PM PDT on Apr 13, 2009

Oh, come on --- people distance themselves for millions of reasons. Let's hear what is coming up -- but it better be good! :D

4:39PM PDT on Apr 13, 2009

The author has our attention, now what is actually being suggested here? After many years of marriage, what causes a couple to go from a regular sex life to this lack of intimacy? Why do men seem to take so much for granted and then wonder why their wives no longer feel that romantic spark? Why do women sometimes evolve into asexual beings, who now feel degraded and silly about something that used to feel wonderful and romantic? Lots of questions not answered here. After many years, it often comes down to the fact that a husband has NEVER been truly intimate, and a wife has performed as long as she cares to, getting so little actual romance and intimacy for her efforts. Just not worth it any more!

2:14PM PDT on Apr 13, 2009

Nice article, I truly believe in physical conversations. Interesting to think about intimacy in that way.

9:45AM PDT on Apr 13, 2009

I found the story intriguing but I wanted more info on how to go about actually having a "physical conversation". Is that in the next article?

8:11AM PDT on Apr 13, 2009

True intimacy says, "Into me see." It is a revealing of one's self to the other so that one can learn more about one's self. False intimacy is more like, "I will show you me if you show me you -- first."

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