Should your elderly parent live alone?

Recently I received a call from Michelle, an exasperated adult daughter asking if there was any legal way to get her elderly father to stop verbally abusing her and to accept a caregiver so she could move out of his house. She had moved in to help him after her mom passed, but was now trapped as he refused to move to assisted living or accept live-in help.

Michelle started to cry, saying she had just called an agency where a man “laughed at me,” saying her father could do whatever he wished in his own home short of physically abusing her. Since I have survived the same situation with my own father, I knew the misery she was going through.

It reminded me of a call I received from another adult child, Paul, begging for my advice on the same situation. He was at the hospital with his parents. His elderly father had accidentally burned the house down. He’d tried for years to convince them to move to assisted living or accept a caregiver, and a couple times even had everything lined up, but they’d cancel at the last minute. I felt so bad for him and suggested it might be best to wait until his parents recovered from the smoke inhalation before trying again. But Paul (a successful 60-year old businessman) burst into tears with, “I can’t wait! My father already hired the contractor to rebuild the house. Jacqueline, my parents are 90 and 92!”

I wish I had the iron-clad solution to this problem to help so many people. Since our civil rights are (fortunately) very strong in the United States, unless an individual is legally proven incompetent (a difficult process, but especially hard at the beginning stages of dementia), they cannot be forced to do/not do anything against their will – unless, of course, it’s something illegal.

The best way to increase the odds of a parent accepting help later in life is by starting end-of-life conversations early, and long before health and rational thinking start to deteriorate. When a parent’s “Third Act” wishes have been discussed openly for years (and documented with living wills, trusts, durable powers of attorney for Health and Financial, etc.), when the time comes, the transition is less traumatic. (3 Must-Have Legal Documents for Elderly Healthcare)

Sh0uld Mom Be Living Alone? originally appeared on AgingCare.com

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Sheila D.

11:29AM PST on Feb 8, 2012

My friends have commented on how patient I was to finally convince my mother to move to a retirement apartment (it took me over two years). I consider myself very fortunate as my mother and I get along fairly well and, even though we have our disagreements, she likes to have me help her, though I do try and get her to do as much as possible for herself. It's a challenge, for both of us, but well worth it.

send a green star

Robert O.

12:54AM PDT on Oct 28, 2011

Something to really think about. Thanks.

jodi m.

11:13AM PDT on Oct 8, 2011

thank you for this.. very informative and useful

Eternal G.

5:23PM PDT on Sep 14, 2011

Thank you for this article, it points out the flaws in our modern day living arrangements.

caterina c.

9:47AM PDT on Aug 30, 2011

jennifer c.

4:12AM PDT on Aug 14, 2011

if my mother could take care of herself i would let her stay at home. once she needs help i would move her in with me and my family. my mom still works, drives and go out with her friends.

Iona K.

5:07PM PDT on Aug 8, 2011

In this society of "me, me, me" it is often an unknown concept that some would put other's needs before or right up there with their own. As a society we need to take responsibilty for others and surely that should put our parents at the top of the list. There are many options from living in the same home, having a "granny flat", organising live in care or a boarder who pays rent by offering companionship and an overseeing eye,to residential homes etc. There will be a solution right for you and your family and your concience. After all once their gone you can't get the time back, make sure you do what you can while you can.

Siti R.

3:30AM PDT on Aug 6, 2011

i don't think it is a cultural thing or otherwise. depends on our sense of relationship; bond we feel for our parents when their health take a deteriorating turn. everyone grows old someday, some faster and worst than others. this situation calls for planning as much as fortitude.

Judith C.

12:03PM PDT on Aug 5, 2011

It is a hard subject to broach,you have to make someone realise that they are unable to take care of themselves any longer whilst they are fighting to keep their independance.