By Pegi Burdick for YourTango.com.
Everyone needs a prenup, so this should not be negotiable. This should be like your blood test; everyone benefits from it. Forewarned is forearmed. Everyone needs stability, predictability and couples are entitled to count on each other in marriage for support, loyalty and fidelity.
Women need to feel safe. We need to feel protected about the things we can see now and in the unforeseen future. What you have today is always the foundation of what you can count on tomorrow. Being protected financially is a key piece women struggle with and it always has been since the dawn of time; assets equal control.
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Problems arise when the trust in a relationship is broken. The divorce rate is 50 percent. What does that tell us about mate selection and our so-called wisdom in whom we choose and why.
Creating a prenup is a very sobering aspect of getting married, but so is the very act of getting married. Talking about money churns up a barrel full of emotions, which for some, touches on shame and feelings of inadequacy. Valuing emotional intimacy in our marriages such as being revealing, sharing our deepest fears, being accountable, are all parts of building tight bonds with our spouse.
Some people enter into a relationship with the pre-conceived notion of not being worthy, and they are bowled over that someone as attractive as the other person is, would want them, so they rationalize and distort who that person is. We see this a lot with women who have family money and no self-esteem. They excuse away getting a prenup because they feel they do not deserve stability, and lack self-respect.
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Marriage And Money Can Be Very Complicated
Women and men view money very differently. How people handle money is a reflection of their self-esteem. It all comes down to trust. Frankly, everything about people is, at its core, about trust (eg., businesses, personal relationships, and even your connection with your dog). For instance, if your dog does not trust you, he will not listen to your commands.
Trust in this scenario, is not about a leap of faith that the other person won’t leave you adrift financially, but trust that having a prenup is the respectful thing to do. We have contracts in business dealings that are about keeping one’s word, or thinking ahead, if something should sour.
Contracts keep people accountable. Why should a prenup be any different?
How To Talk To Your Spouse About Getting A Prenup
One of the goals in marriage is to build emotional intimacy. The only way to get there is by sharing the parts of ourselves that we have shame about, feel insecure about, and have fears about. Ironically, talking about the very things that make us feel small, will give us power and respect.
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Relationships should be viewed just as we view our jobs or businesses; a third entity that needs protecting, nurturing and above all, needs respect. You make a date with your partner, let’s say for Saturday at 10 a.m., the kids are out of the house, the dog has been walked, your cell phones are off. You sit in the den with him, and you start the conversation with:
“I am very uncomfortable bringing up this subject and really looking at it, (his mind will go to: UH-OH, she’s asking for a divorce) but we need to talk about this. First off, you have done nothing wrong…”(if you don’t say this, he won’t be able to listen to what you say next).
“We never had a prenup, we never had the pre-marriage money chat, we never discussed our expectations of each other and so far, we don’t have a written trust to protect our kids and each other, God forbid something should happen to either of us.” (His mind will go to ah, a problem to solve!)
If kids are not in the equation, one still needs to have a formal trust and will. However, having that does not replace the postnup; you still need to talk about money, your feelings about it, your fears, your goals (are they the same as his?) and, the plans to make those goals a reality.
This article originally appeared on YourTango.com: Can I Get A Prenup After Marriage?.