http://www.care2.com/greenliving/teaching-our-daughters-about-sex-sexual-mothers-sexual-daughters.html
Teaching Our Daughters about Sex: Sexual Mothers, Sexual Daughters
By Joyce McFadden
We as mothers are putting our own fears ahead of our daughters’ well-being, and we have to confront this crisis of confidence in order to offer our girls more grounding in sexual vitality than we were given by our own mothers.
In not giving them the sexual information they need, and offering them that life long emotional connection to us, we do them a broader disservice than we imagine.
Recently on Oprah, sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman did an excellent and long overdue episode on helping mothers talk to their daughters about sexuality. Therapists, sex educators and researchers including myself find that, shockingly, our level of anxiety as mothers still keeps us from really educating our daughters about their bodies, desire and relationships. Although we tend to disguise it with rationalizations like “she’s too young” or “it will overwhelm her” the main deterrent to our being there for our girls in this way is often that we’re simply too uncomfortable to do it.
My research has shown me how far we haven’t come. It’s the beginning of the 21st Century and many mothers aren’t even teaching their daughters about menstruation, let alone sexuality. Just like our mothers did, we’re passing off their education to Judy Blume or the school nurse. And now, the internet.
But we, as modern mothers, have the opportunity to truly break through to the dimension of mothering we thought we’d broken through to decades ago — one not permeated with unnecessary shame-driven ignorance.
The easiest way to do this is to appreciate that our daughters’ sexuality exists on the very same continuum as our own. Remember when you were curious about how babies were made, and when you didn’t know where a tampon went? Remember when you felt like an idiot with your friends because everyone else seemed to know what oral sex was and you were afraid to ask? Remember the first time you felt yearning, and the first time you felt so swept away sexually you thought if you were to die right then and there, your life would be complete? Now remember the negative stuff. Did you feel naughty or dirty when you first began your own sexual exploration? Did you feel alone and separate from your mother? Did you worry she’d judge you? Do you even today feel guilty around masturbation? In your life now, do you feel disconnected or unfulfilled when you’re having sex?
Whether we actually have them or not, we as adult women crave full and happy sex lives because we know we feel more alive when we do. So how can we want this vibrancy for ourselves and not for our daughters? If we want our daughters to feel sexually comfortable as women, we need to help them feel comfortable along the entire journey, and our awkward avoidance and judgment won’t get them there.
Women in my study and practice routinely feel let down and abandoned by their mother’s silence or lack of support. It undermines how they feel in their bodies, and not just with regard to sex – it influences what they feel entitled to do, think, say and wear. If we implicitly encourage our daughters to forsake their sexuality that sense of shame infects every other area of their self esteem. And the opposite is also true. If we raise our daughters to feel a healthy entitlement to their sexuality it will enhance their self esteem in every way because they’ll have the freedom to be whole.
The little 10 year old girl on Oprah, who must surely be the most delightful child to ever appear on television, had the most poignant and concise message in the show. She’d been asking her mother twice a week for the past eight months to please teach her about sex, and her wonderful yet anxious mother was scared to death she’d say the wrong thing. In their session with Dr. Berman the girl said (italics her emphasis):
Little girl: “What is sex?”
Dr. Berman: “Do you have any idea what sex is?”
Little girl: “It’s not like I have the confidence to think about that, but I want my mom to have the confidence to talk to me about it.”
Intent.com provides content and community for who you aspire to be–personally, socially and globally.
More from Robyn, selected from Intent (42 articles available)
related stories
-
intent3
(1 comment)
-
(5 comments)
-
(21 comments)
Robyn
Melissa
Deepak
Eric
Dave
Dr. Brent
Isha
Susan
Delia
Michelle
Wendy
Megan
Hilary
Ann
Judi
Ronnie
Kelly
Lily
Terri
Betsy
Cait
Andrew
Jana
Annie B.
Veronica
149 comments
add your comment »thanks...
Kabin
Konteyner
send green star
why is this inappropriate?
Thank you so much for a wonderful article. My daughter at 8 occasionally asks me questions about sex and I've been answering them casually, as if the answers are the same as if she had asked me about anything else, not as if they were something to be revered and hushed up. Now that I have read this article I am very glad that we have taken this approach with our children. Sex is not something to be revered and hushed up. I talk about it at the dinner table if a question comes up, and never try to avoid the question. I also do not go into lengthy explanations because kids just don't have the attention span or experience for it lol. For example, my 8 year old knows that she needs a boy to get pregnant, but not what her and that boy would have to do to make the baby. If (when) she asks me, I'll let her know. I have heard though that parental reluctance to educate children about sex stems from a natural thing(hormone driven maybe?) in people that makes it repulsive to deal with sex with their children, probably to avoid an Oedipal situation. What do you think of that?
send green star
why is this inappropriate?
ask their forgiveness. Now that's tolerance! If everyone, including myself, could show that kind of discipline and respect...we'd probably be better off. Gandhi had a similarly impressive mindset and philosophy, as did many of those who've gone before us.
Anyway, sorry for the Novel. You obviously already follow these principles (much better than I) ...
Thanks...Bradford
send green star
why is this inappropriate?
Nicole,
I appreciate the respectful reply. The reality, as you've highlighted, is that we can all learn something from each other even if we fundamentally disagree about a given topic. That is what makes America and Humanity great.
I have honestly tried to learn something from everyone who has commented on this site...and I have learned quite a bit. I believe that's the only way to have a civil discussion and potentially learn something.
So again, I thank you...because there are others who have not even tried to understand my opinion for what it's worth. They want to attack what they perceive I represent. And that's their choice and I respect their right to do that, but it's sad because if everyone in America would just take the time to actually read, listen, and internalize things from someone else's conflicting opinion...then tolerance and understanding could more easily be achieved.
I'm not saying I'm the best at this, and sometimes I've caused the discussions to be less than civil...which I feel bad about. I've tried to apologize to those I've offended. I feel that I've at least tried to put myself in the shoes of each person I've responded to. I am reading a book about the Mormon Prophet Joseph Smith...and at one point in his life he said that whenever he felt offended, he would actually force himself to ask whether he did or said anything to cause that person to offend him, and in most cases he realized that he had...and he would proceed to as
send green star
why is this inappropriate?
Even though we are on opposite ends of the spectrum in regards to our attitudes about sex, Bradford, I appreciate your opinion. I have no children, but, if and when I do, I shall take your preparedness as an example and make sure I know what I want to teach them before they start asking.
send green star
why is this inappropriate?
Nicole,
You're right, and that's a fair comment. The reason everyone (including myself) has commented in such a variety of ways is because the article really only scratches the surface of the discussion/topic. I guess you could say a can of worms was opened up by this article, but I'm not suprised because that's just what happens when Sex is mentioned in this country.
Not to mention the fact that the Article is somewhat biased in the message it's communicating...and there may be some that disagree (me for one) with parts of the article.
For example, the article mentions "modern mothers" breaking through the dimension of a "shame-driven ignorance". What happened to the "traditional-oriented mothers" ??? Shouldn't they be represented in the article? The mention of shame driven ignorance of the past is clearly speaking against the clear cut American societal traditions of the past, which taught that Sex is morally sacred and should not be discussed so openly and should not be characterized so pornographically...as our "modern" society wants to make it...
So you see, while I agree that parents should teach their children about sex (in the best way they know how)....the article says a lot more, implies a lot more, and is slanted a lot more in the direction of fostering more "progressive" and "modern" attitudes about Sex. And I disagree with that paradigm. Some things just shouldn't be modernized, and for me sex is one of them.
send green star
why is this inappropriate?
Abstinence isn't teaching kids about sex.
Kids need to know the full story from puberty to intercourse, to sexual health and sexual protection, to pregnancy and birth.
send green star
why is this inappropriate?
Wow... I spent a good part of my morning reading all, yes ALL, of the comments to this article. It seemed that everyone was so busy arguing with each other about religion and who's insulting who that everyone forgot the purpose of the article: that you should teach your children about sex. How and when you decide to do it is up to you, but you SHOULD do it. Despite the differences in gender, age, religion, IQ, or whatever other variable you choose, the fact is: everyone commenting is being responsible and teaching their children about sex and all things related.
Which is what the article is about, is it not?
send green star
why is this inappropriate?
Elizabeth,
I think your "straight forward" approach is very good and quite practical. I employ the same method with my children. I may not teach the same things you teach, but that doesn't matter..we're all different and have different standards for living.
I would teach my kids that Gender goes beyond the "bits" as you say (which I think is a great word, haven't heard it before : -) We use the word "toody" for both boys and girls parts and that seems to do the job). But taking it a step further, I believe Gender goes beyond the physical, and that our gender characteristics that come with us at birth are distinct...down to our emotions, personalities, sense of self, spiritual qualities (e.g. women naturally have more Charity than men). And I would definetely emphasize the "lot of help from God" part of what you said.
Anyway, good post...I agree that we should not beat around the bush and dance around the issues with our kids. Whatever we are going to teach them, it should be straight forward, simple, and clearly communicated/understood
send green star
why is this inappropriate?
I for one have been answering my daughter's questions honestly and openly since she was born because I don't EVER want her to hesitate to ask, and there is no other way to be able to assume that'll happen. Does that mean I offer details or hints that inappropriate for her age? No. But I let her know that hed daddy and I made her baby brother with a lot of help from God, her daddy and I both let her know that touching herself is a good thing but not in front of a room full of people :) and preferably in her own room when she has some alone time, that the difference between boys and girls is literally what bits they have (the words we use for it) and everything past that is up to the person--and she doesn't seem confused or conflicted at all. I wish more moms and dads could realize just how easy and straightforward it really can be, and just answer questions and talk about it straight without confusing their kids with analogies and long, involved pseudo-explanations. One sentence here and there does SO much more. :)
send green star
why is this inappropriate?
Facebook account: