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The Biology of Affairs

The Biology of Affairs

“We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love – first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage.” -Albert Camus

Most people who have affairs will say they don’t know how it happened. Extramarital affairs are rarely consciously planned; they happen as life often does, with one thing leading to another.

The percentage of people impacted by infidelity is between 30 to 60 percent of all married couples, depending on the study cited. Evolutionary psychologists, in attempts to understand human behavior with regard to infidelity, have found some interesting patterns suggesting that biology directly influences the choice to cheat.

Infidelity patterns are particularly interesting when sex is taken into consideration. Cheating men are more likely than cheating women to have an affair with someone younger than their spouse. On the other hand, cheating women are more likely than cheating men to have an affair with someone better educated than their current spouse.

Additionally, age patterns of infidelity are affected by sex. Women are far more likely to commit infidelity in their twenties and early in their relationship, where as men are more likely to cheat later in their relationship and predominately after the age of forty. Evolutionists believe this pattern reflects a long- term mating strategy; just like other mammals, our biological clock and often unconscious drive to reproduce may be playing a large role in infidelity.

The biological changes that impact sexuality with aging and menopause may also affect fidelity. I have watched many of my closest friends both leave and be left during this intense life transition. Needless to say, it causes some problems when fully fifty percent of women lose their interest in sex and struggle with arousal and orgasm right when a man’s need for sexual satisfaction and validation is at its most vulnerable peak.

Yet our sexually driven biology is only one part of the human story. While sex and love are inextricably linked, the processing of those experiences happen in different regions of the brain. While there is some overlap, it is the experience of love which matures the mind. The constellation of neural systems and activity involved in the experience of love strengthens with the length of the attachment. When a small study issued in the Journal of Neurophysiology examined how love and sex differed, the outcome revealed love as the more dominant emotion. “Romantic love is one of the most powerful human experiences,” said study member Helen Fisher, “more powerful than the sex drive.”

Although some might question the veracity of the claims, try to remember how potent the experience of falling in love was for you, extending far beyond the sexual, to the very core of what it is to be alive. Loving over time does change your brain, and although it doesn’t often have the intensity and ecstasy associated with the initial “falling in love,” it carries even more benefits in terms of long term happiness and health. Only 10 percent of people who have affairs end up staying together, so when you are feeling your biology influence your choices make sure you are consulting with what makes us truly human, our drive to love.

Wendy Strgar is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships, which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love and family. Wendy helps couples tackle the questions and concerns of intimacy and relationships, providing honest answers and innovative advice.

Read more: Love, Making Love Sustainable, Relationships, Sex,

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


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11:03PM PST on Jan 14, 2012

Thanks for the article.

9:11PM PST on Jan 13, 2012

When your relationship is in bad enough sahpe to consider an affair you either need to focus on repairing the relationship or getting out. Otherwise you just hurting yourself and everyone around you.

1:47PM PST on Jan 26, 2011

Informative article. Thanks.

5:12AM PST on Jan 26, 2011

Thanks for the info.

2:16AM PST on Jan 26, 2011

interesting article...

3:22AM PDT on Oct 28, 2010

Too much drama

11:25PM PDT on Jun 5, 2010

Great write. Thank you.

10:45AM PDT on Oct 1, 2009

Excellent article! It really makes you think, and I love things that stimulate my brain! Thanks!

3:22PM PDT on Sep 11, 2009

Really good article Wendy! I liked the punch line! Some good food for thought.

5:52AM PDT on Sep 7, 2009

If sex without romance is all their is in a void, it will probably go on until the void is filled and something else happens. That is unless they are a tv watching zombie.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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Thanks very much for sharing! Good post!


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