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The Gift of Losing

The Gift of Losing

Win as if you were used to it, lose as if you enjoyed it for a change. –Ralph Waldo Emerson

These opposites have more in common than we might expect.  Learning how to win or lose with grace is another way to define how to live and grow with maturity.  Richard Bach  summed it up when he said:  “That’s what learning is, after all; not whether we lose the game, but how we lose and how we’ve changed because of it and what we take away from it that we never had before, to apply to other games. Losing, in a curious way, is winning.”

In the midst of another state tennis tournament I am witnessing hundreds of boys who have worked throughout the year to get to compete.   Already I have seen some boys head hung low, dejected after hours of playing their heart out and coming up short.  My own son has suffered the same fate several times.  In some cases it took weeks for him to come to terms with who he was as a player and a person.   This is the gift of losing, the self examination and forgiveness that must process through you for you to be a player at any game, and life itself.

My recent win which has revolutionized the way that everyone including myself thinks about my work at Good Clean Love has been surprisingly stressful.  Not just the details of working out what winning means, but rethinking my work in terms of being a winner surprisingly takes the same introspection and self acceptance as losing.  Winning adds the pressure of everyone else’s expectations, and even my own internal drive to succeed is turned up by several notches.   Learning to win is about seeing yourself as capable, competent and available for success.   This is the place that stops most people from winning.

The truest thing about winning and losing is how fluid the space is between them.  Rare is the case for the continuous winner or loser,  most lives move with the same ebb and flow between the more or less desirable outcomes in life.   Buddhist training in equanimity recognizes and accepts the changing nature of circumstances and works to develop the ability to see with patience.  Cultivating a wider view of life gives breadth to understanding our own circumstances and living with the wins and losses as equally useful teachers.

Learning how to win and lose with balance is the point of the game of life.   As we grow  our integrity and inner strength,  it gets easier to give up the labels of good and bad  and even win and lose.  The true victory of being able to stand and hold ourselves in the midst of all the winds of change, with decreasing judgment and increasing peace is all the achievement of a life time.    It awards you the courage to keep at it, and an ever widening heart to appreciate the game for what it is.

Read more: Children, Guidance, Inspiration, Love, Making Love Sustainable, Relationships, Sex, Spirit, , ,

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.  In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,  she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative adviceIt has been called "the essential guide for relationships."  The book is available on ebook.  Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


+ add your own
11:09AM PDT on Jun 30, 2012

good reminders

2:05PM PDT on Oct 26, 2011

I like your Emerson quotation - very elegant! In fact I might borrow it for a play I'm writing...

12:57AM PDT on Jul 6, 2010


11:34AM PDT on Jun 10, 2010

I have video footage of my sports days as a child. It didn't matter whether it was a running race, a sack race or an egg and spoon race, I came last.... every time! Except one race when I came second from last... that was a big achievement for me, lol.

But I still ran over that finish line (even though all the other competitors had already gone home, lol) with a smile on my face.

5:49AM PDT on Jun 9, 2010

As per my opinion winning and losing are to main aspects of life.If ones wins to other definitely lose.That no means you never wins.I believe losing is the other way to motivated for the success.
r4i gold

12:52AM PDT on Jun 6, 2010

at least if one try and win or lose we can sing the song i done it my way

4:06PM PDT on Jun 5, 2010

Thank You

8:28AM PDT on Jun 2, 2010

something that we all should learn

8:23AM PDT on Jun 2, 2010

A lesson I am currently trying to teach my 4 year old. Right now we're concentrating on being a good sport when you don't win. I think this is an important lesson for us all to learn.

2:12AM PDT on Jun 2, 2010

I am of course about 13 days behind with my care2 e-mails, so I am reacting on watching Roger Federer lose at Roland Gaross.
There was no trace of emotion on hise face after he lost to Soderling!
Difficult when you are nr. 1 in the world but he brought it off which very good grace!

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

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