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The Hardest Thing Youíll Ever Do

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The Hardest Thing Youíll Ever Do

She walked out on you when you were a little girl who needed her to braid your hair because Daddy didnít know how to do it. She didnít mean to walk out, but the bottle made her do it, and once she did, she couldnít look herself in the eye, so she avoided mirrors and drank more bottles. And now youíre grown and you can braid your own hair and you survived in spite of her and youíre pregnant, and sheís gonna be a grandmother, and you want her to know you turned out pretty dang good, if you do say so yourself.

So you†write the letter and open your heart and you tell her how it hurt when she walked away and left your little girl heart cracked wide open with no instructions for repairing it. You tell her how many times youíve dreamed of having her rock you in her arms, even now, and how many times youíve cried because other people got mothers who baked them cookies and kissed their boo-boos.† You tell her you understand, that youíre not mad anymore, that you forgive her – really, you do. And that all you want now is for her to know how much you love her, maybe even to see her again, just for coffee or even for your baby shower. And then you wait. And wait. And wait. And itís been weeks and she hasnít called or written back. And your quivering open heart, exposed and vulnerable, remembers what it felt like when you were seven and you watched her go out that door, not realizing youíd never see her again. You cry like a child, and the sobs wrack you. Your heart aches so much you want to close your heart back up, sew it up with big black rope, bar the door with chain metal and armored locks, never open that heart again.

But you donít because life is too precious.

* * *

Youíve been BFFs since you lost your first tooth. You fixed each otherís hair for prom when you both went stag, and even though you knew they might make fun of you, you danced with each other to Alphavilleís ďForever Young.Ē When your fiancť broke it off the day of the wedding, when you were already wearing the white dress, you sobbed in her arms, your heart open wide like a surgeon had just sawed through your ribcage. When you finally found love again, she was the maid of honor in your wedding – and you were hers.† Then her husband calls you one morning at 2am and makes a pass at you. Youíre shocked, appalled. Your heart is broken on behalf of your best friend. You know you must tell her. You have to tell her. So you break the news as gently and lovingly as you can. And she turns her back to you. Walks out. You call. You leave messages. You write letters. You wait. You keep your heart open. You forgive her for not calling back. You know you did the right thing. You love her like crazy. Itís been a year, and your heart hurts so much you feel like someone took out an organ and forgot to put it back. You think about closing your heart. She had her chance. You were just being a good friend. Fuck her. Fuck her. (But if your heart is closed, why are you still crying?)

You want to cut her out of your heart. Remove her like a cancer.† Fill up the hole with chocolate or wine or a new pair of Manolo Blahniks.

But you donít, because, in spite of it all, you still love her.

* * *

You didnít mean to fall in love with him. You thought it was just a harmless crush and then it crushed you like a bulldozer. You didnít see it coming, and if you had, you would have run far, far away because itís an impossible love. You canít have him. He canít have you. Maybe itís some crazy past life thing because your relationship makes no sense. You shouldnít love him. You shouldnít feel this deep soul connection with him. Plus, heíd be crazy to love you back, not that he does – or does he?† You shouldnít tell him how you feel. It would be a total disaster.† What if he loves you back? (Does he?) You try to convince yourself itís nothing. Itís just a silly crush. It will go away. You get pissed off at him when heís sometimes there for you, then he disappears.† Youíre getting mixed signals. He pushes, he pulls. Youíre confused. How dare he, when you care for him like this? But youíre not really mad. Itís just a defense mechanism to protect your vulnerable, fragile heart.

Finally the truth washes over you and you just canít lie to yourself anymore. You canít keep up the act, faking it like you donít feel it, pretending to be cool and casual, when youíre hurting. So you tell him. You bare your heart. You confess everything youíve been holding inside. And then he is silent. He doesnít say he loves you back. He doesnít say he doesnít. You wait. More silence. Is he just overwhelmed with your confession? Is he confused by his own love for you? Or is he just not that into you? Your heart is naked, open, waiting. Then there is more silence and you want to pull your heartstrings closer together. Leaving it open feels so raw, like your heart is bleeding love and youíre hemorrhaging all over the floor. You want to close it back up. Keep it safe. Never let anyone in again.

But you donít, because love canít get in when your heart is closed.

* * *

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Lissa Rankin

Lissa Rankin, MD is a mind-body medicine physician, founder of the†Whole Health Medicine Institute training program for physicians and other health care providers, and the New York Times bestselling author of†Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof That You Can Heal Yourself.† She is on a grassroots mission to heal health care, while empowering you to heal yourself.† Lissa blogs at†LissaRankin.com and also created two online communities -†HealHealthCareNow.com and†OwningPink.com. She is also the author of two other books, a professional artist, an amateur ski bum, and an avid hiker. Lissa lives in the San Francisco Bay area with her husband and daughter.

74 comments

+ add your own
7:06PM PDT on Apr 1, 2014

It's important to feel the feelings. Tough article to get through.

8:21AM PDT on Jul 31, 2012

This certainly brought up a lot of raw nerve endings!

Certainly writing a letter to those who have hurt or wronged you in the past can help even if you just tear it up or burn it later, it helps to get all the hurt out in the open.

7:41PM PDT on Jun 18, 2012

I sent my birth mom a message on fb privately. She abandoned us when i was a toddler, and never made her way back into my life. When I turned 18 I set out to find my maternal grandparents, who I had been close to until DSS split us up in foster care and adopted us out. They pressured me to call her, to be her friend, and in the beginning I refused. I gradually decided to try, but after having my OWN child I just couldn't accept the way shed left us, without a second glance. Especially since the situation she left us in was dangerous and toxic, and made it possible for my sisters and I to be raped. Finally I sent her the message. I was hurt, but I was mature. she ended up cussing me out saying Id go to hell for being vindictive (since I asked her to please allow me to live my life without her in it). It was hard to do, but my heart is so mush lighter now. I am much happier

5:25PM PDT on Apr 24, 2012

Thanks

9:41PM PDT on Apr 23, 2012

It all happens.....

11:26AM PDT on Apr 19, 2012

I miss the wishes you made for me. I miss the gifts you gave me! I miss the kindness that
no one else can show!! I miss the happiness you can bring! I miss the heart that was so
big that it can love the whole world.

6:49AM PDT on Apr 19, 2012

Thanks.

12:29AM PDT on Apr 19, 2012

Most certainly true. By the time we have grown up we surely have learnt to be more sensitive because of what we have been through - we've matured and then we know better .....
Sometimes, we mistakenly open our hearts to people who don't deserve our love or friendship We may long for someone who will take care of our heart, but only a few achieve that ....

12:50PM PDT on Apr 17, 2012

Thanks you

6:17AM PDT on Apr 16, 2012

this has to be one of the most depressing articles I've read so far on Care2.

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Throw it over the fence... ha! :)

Some good advice here. Whole foods especially organic foods are always the better choice.

*** HaPpY HaLLoWeeN! **

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