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The Number One Skill For Sexual Intimacy: Speaking Desire

With a request, you are expecting a response. It requires action on behalf of the other. To me, this is tricky business. It is full of subtlety. Can expressing my desire be a coy way of hiding or stating a request? Am I my own trickster? Can I think that I am simply expressing desire when I am instead hiding my requests? You have to be really clear about your own intentions

I think that mastering this skill of speaking desires, and separating that from speaking requests, especially around sexuality is really important. When we are able to speak our desire around our sexuality, it is the beginning of removing shame.

Now…what if the listener does not know the differences between a request and an expression of desire….then what? What if the listener does not welcome expressions of desire? One might say that this does not matter. That the expression of the desire is not about the listener. It is suppose to be about the person expressing!

The expression of desire is powerful and important to us as individuals – and I encourage you to practice it. Consider having a conversation with your partner about the importance of learning how to express desires – and the difference between desires and requests. Remember, when you express desire there is no expectation of action on the part of the listener.  And in that boundary, there is incredible freedom in both the expression of the desire and the listening to it.

I acknowledge that these expressions make me feel vulnerable. So don’t be surprised if this practice can do the same for you. There aren’t many rules, but if you feel anxious about this practice….you are not alone. It’s just so worth it. Once you start the ball rolling, letting your desire flow will create more possibility in your life and greater intimacy with your partner.

 

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Pamela Madsen

Pamela Madsen is an Integrative Life Coach Specializing In Women's Issues: Sexuality, Fertility, Body Image, Wellness and Rejuvenation. Pamela is also author of the best selling memoir Shameless (Rodale, Jan 2011), and founder of The American Fertility Association.Her websites BeingShameless.com and her daily blog, thefertilityadvocate.com, are a breakfast essential for reporters, writers and policymakers.

20 comments

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11:43AM PDT on May 29, 2012

When i read this kind of article, about lack of intimate communication in married couples, i wonder if those marriages are arranged?? lol, hey if u met when u were single and had a lot of sex what is the big problem after u get married. What kills the sex drive? the bills? the responsibilities? the commitment? Think about that.

3:20AM PDT on May 12, 2012

Sex is the most disgusting thing in the world!

3:19AM PDT on May 12, 2012

Mari, I'm not stupid. I'm just disgusted buy this load of pornography on Care2.

4:32PM PDT on Apr 27, 2012

The real ideal is in knowing that you are joining as one. Thus asking yourself, would you want to go unpleasured?

1:21AM PDT on Apr 27, 2012

This is a basic part of communication, and communication is vital in relationships. If you don't let your partner know what you want, then it is very unlikely you will get much of what you want in relationships. In a healthy relationship, you want your partner to be happy and your partner wants you to be happy, so you are both motivated to try to give each other things you want when feasible and reasonable. If one or both of you does not care about the happiness of the other, then the relationship is badly broken and needs to either get professional help or be dissolved.

9:36PM PDT on Apr 23, 2012

whatever language you speak in for that matter!

9:34PM PDT on Apr 23, 2012

The english language is a beautiful thing...use it.
You won't be sorry.

5:50AM PDT on Apr 17, 2012

Many thoughts on this one. I'm all for communication very important. However if a partner is not open to that kind of dialogue ... my former husband said he didn't haveanyone talk to him before and he never had complaints before so in his mind he saw as such.I think if you do it as stated above you should be paid for your services as in being a therapist.( yea I know what some of you were going with that statement ).
I found sharing eachother fantasy allows your partner to contribute via communicating with eachother but willingness to chose to create fulfillment of eachothers desires. Everyone has fantasies. Just saying :-)

5:08PM PDT on Apr 16, 2012

Talking and communication is a key to any relationship and the overall quality of the relationship is a key to the quality of sex in a long-term relationship.

7:00PM PDT on Apr 14, 2012

Sure. And bring her to orgasm three or four times in a row. And guess what?

It will not make one iota of difference to your overall relationship.

If you're not exactly what she (currently) wants in a mate, in every way she wants it,
she'll still walk out on you, no matter how good the sex is.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

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