The Pause In Perimenopause

By: Melanie Bates

Oh. Dear. God. Above…

I think I’m having hot flashes.

Is it menopause? Perimenopause? Just-o’-pause?

Come on baby, light my fire?

I’ve never worried about the “change of life” before. Ever. I mean I’ve actually looked forward to it after years of Stage IV Endometriosis and cramps that have left me crying; cuddled in the corner like Baby on crack. But, that was before I knew I was going to be pushed up to the very razor’s edge of spontaneous combustion.

It was definitely before I knew I was going to burst into flames at any possible second.

It was most assuredly before I knew that the blazing inferno inside of my body was going to reach the surface temperature of the sun about eight times a day with no warning.

Picture it…

I’m sitting there watching reruns of Frasier, cuddling with the Kr8z, eating Big Hunks, and suddenly I feel this warmth in my torso that quickly turns hotter and hotter and spreads throughout my whole body until I’m gasping from panic and lack of oxygen. I’m afraid to open my mouth to let in any cool air because I’ve watched Backdraft about a million times so I know better.

I’m not sweating profusely or anything so there is that. But I am waking up a couple times a night and my yellow Dr. Seuss “One Fish, Two Fish” pajamas have melded to my body like molten gold. I lay there panting with So-Kr8z trying to lick the sweat from inside my mouth. It’s all very Animal Farm meets Suzanne Summers, without her yams, in the Mojave Desert in August.

I always thought that when you went into menopause you’d then graduate to Crone status; you’d be all wise and sage and have this crazy depth. I’m certainly not feeling very wise. Just yesterday I had Cap’n Crunch for dinner.

Picket Signs?

I visited Dr. Google looking for alternatives to hormone replacement. I’m only 42 and my guess is that, due to my endo, I only have one lone ovary up in there and she was probably struggling to keep up with my estrogen demands and went on strike. I can see her brandishing a picket sign painted with neon pink letters that read “Overworked and underpaid.” Or perhaps she jumped off my uterus due to loneliness and splatted to her death. Who knows? But, there is no way I’m going to swallow a single drop of horse pee. Plus, my dearest friend lost her mom due to a blood clot from those drugs and it was heartbreaking.

Unfortunately, my research didn’t uncover much. Some studies have shown flaxseed to be helpful and another study showed that it doesn’t do sh!t, though apparently it makes you need to sh!t. Then we have Suzanne’s yams which, apparently, don’t do a d@#n thing either, plus yams are meant for bathing in brown sugar and butter during Thanksgiving time.

I’m not wholly sure what it all means. Perhaps it’s time to take a pause. Perhaps it’s time to buy a fire extinguisher. I dunno. But… I’d love some tips for unfanning these flames. What works for you, aside from Equus ferus caballus urine? Have you experienced this inner pyromaniac phenom in your body? I’d so love some sage words of advice.

Melanie Bates

Femme Tales – Truth with Humor

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

Jane K.

2:50PM PST on Nov 20, 2012

I find that herbs work, but I have to rotate them about every 3 months. I can take a blend with black cohosh, dong quai, and vitex. Then I have to go off them and switch to something else, like wild yams or red clover. Right now I'm using St John's Wort before going to bed, and it's helping with the night sweats, which is my biggest problem. Been going on like this for 5 years.

November 20
send a green star

Lynda D.

7:46AM PST on Nov 19, 2012

For those who don't know if they are menopausal, or perio-menopausal..or whether you've had the hot sweats or not, and think you canjust go on to ignore it....you haven't begun to feel the hot flashes.

Perio - is starting to see the effects - I had a doctor look at me like I was crazy until I showed him an article by Reader's Digest and then he took me seriously about it. And the crankiness just begins. Grinding your teeth - be careful, this could be excruciating and damaging at the same time.

Believe me when I say, when you get them, you will know. It feels like someone decided to turn the heater on and you're standing directly in its blast. Best thing I can advise - carry a hand fan with you everywhere. The hot flashes sneak up on you when you least expect it, could be 8 times a day, could be 50 times a day. I had long hair, and when a flash hit, it was like my hair was a heat blanket. I cut my hair back 18 inches so that when it comes to that again, my hair is not the issue.

At night, I have a clear quartz crystal next to my bed that I place on my face and neck. The coolness of the crystal will last only a few moments, but it does help some.

I just found a lovely product of a cloth (yep its a petroleum product - sorry) but you keep it damp in a plastic baggie, take it out and wave it in the air a few times, and it holds the cool for a long time, place behind your neck and feel better. I cut this large sheet into 4 sections and leave it in different

November 19
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Emefa D.

2:22AM PST on Nov 18, 2012

I heard that motherwort is good for post labor as well as menopause; I am nearing my time and am curious and hopeful for it to pass smoothly

thank for the insights!

November 18
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Barbara P.

12:31PM PST on Nov 17, 2012

I recommend Chasteberry, aka Vitex, for the endometriosis. I used to have endometriosis, but no longer. As for the pre-menopause and hot flashes, a good formula containing Black Cohosh will nip that baby in the bud and you will have smooth sailing. I'm currently pre-menopausal and the natural formula I use is noticeably helping me deal with everything related to menopause symptoms...including the mental health side of things...WHEW!!! :)

November 17
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Emma R.

9:08PM PST on Nov 16, 2012

I am 44 now and I ignore many things ...I probably have hot flashes but I don't really know!....funny..just go with the flow and ignore it..if you feel hot...have cold drink or cold shower..put ice on your butt..your body you can trick it to forget you are hot !

November 16
send a green star

9:07PM PST on Nov 16, 2012

9:03PM PST on Nov 16, 2012

maybe put cold compress on your head ..stick your foot in cold water..but I think it is best if you drink plenty of fluids..cold water plus orange juice...just don't think about it it will pass..the more you think the more you stress yourself.

Crystal P.

5:06PM PST on Nov 16, 2012

Drink lots of water and breathe deeply through the heat!!!

Re R.

11:55AM PST on Nov 16, 2012

After discovering the embarrassment of having hot flashes while talking to customers at work, I decided that that something had to be done. As my face and body started to turn a bright shade of red and the sweat started pouring out, I would apologize to the alarmed customer and explain that it was a hot flash and nothing contagious. I started asking women what they used to combat hot flashes. I refuse to take any hormones or have surgery. Well, it took about 3 months, but after taking a twice daily capsule of Black Cohosh, I no longer have any hot flashes! Happy dance!

Valorie P.

6:54AM PST on Nov 16, 2012

Elsie I had forgotten the red clover. Red clover works great if you drink it while with child and also cuts the labor time down and pain.

Kristen I wonder if that is the reason I seem so thirsty for water all the time? I even keep ice water by my bed, though I do not have hot flashes.

Siti thank you! There is a great book, Back to Eden by Jethro Kloss that was my first and very informative herbal medicine and remedies. I wore out my first one and bought another, the pages are just about to fall out of book #2. Of course for any serious thing always see a doctor.

Great comments everyone!