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The Righteous Eviction of ‘Should’

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The Righteous Eviction of ‘Should’

Years of therapy and personal development elevated my sensitivity to the word “should” and its well intentioned but woefully misguided uses, or rather abuses in our culture. The beginning of “should” awareness came in my mid-twenties as I discovered the toxicity of my codependent ways. There is nothing more effective than mothering a toddler, while pregnant with another child, and going through a divorce to hurl you into the festering bowels of introspective reflection.

In hindsight, the obstacles to my sanity feel so obvious… I believed, with tragic sincerity, that the world, in its entirety, ebbed and flowed, according to three things:

1.) The magnitude of my “good-ness” as a wife, mother, daughter, friend, etc. – If the people were happy, then I was “good” and likewise, if the people were unhappy, it was clearly because I failed them.

2.) The strength of my commitment to “do” – I helped, volunteered, donated, hosted, coordinated, befriended, sustained, accompanied, advocated, endorsed, assisted, etc. myself nearly to death.

3.) The size of my rear end – I wish, like you can’t imagine, that this was a joke but it is the truth. As I moved into a more healthy mindset, my body came along for the ride. I lost about 60 pounds and felt more healthy, energized, and active than I had since early childhood. As summer came into bloom, I discovered a shocking truth… when it is hot outside, even the skinny me sweats!

This may sound insane (or not) but I realized that for YEARS when I went outside the whole sweating thing happened in my mind (and heart, and soul, and fear) because I was fat. What the hell type of self-inflation does it take for a reasonably intelligent woman to believe that her extra 60 pounds causes her to sweat, instead of the oppressive humidity and 97 degree heat of an August afternoon in Nashville, Tennessee.

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Christy Diane Farr

Christy Diane Farr is a catalyst. If that sounds like something you want more of in your life, visit 'The Greenhouse' at and join the Wildflower Evolution on Facebook.


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8:44PM PST on Dec 13, 2014

I will put this to the test !! Thanks for the smack in the face :)

3:53PM PST on Dec 12, 2011

Great article! Thanks for sharing!

6:53AM PDT on Sep 16, 2011

You are so right, the power of a word.

8:17PM PDT on May 26, 2011

Great article. When raising my children, foul language was rare around our household. But only one word was totally banned from usage. And that word was the most vile, useless word in the English language. Under no circumstances was anyone ever allowed to say SHOULD.

10:47AM PDT on May 26, 2011

Don't "should" on yourself! It only brings guilt. Try "could" that gives you a choice and gives you an option. If you want, use "will" if that is your choice.

7:21PM PDT on May 25, 2011

Yes - "SHould" is all about an absence of choice and the imposition of an outside will. Well said - thank you :-)

2:22PM PDT on May 25, 2011

My mother was a 'should' person towards me. It was most unpleasant and I swore that I would not be that person with my daughter.

5:12AM PDT on May 25, 2011


3:10AM PDT on May 25, 2011

thanks for sharing

1:19AM PDT on May 25, 2011

Great lesson, thankyou!

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