To Live With A Man’s Mentality In My Woman’s Body
What would it be like to walk the world for one day in a size twelve men’s mentality…
- To Wake - and be showered, shaved and ready in 10 minutes flat. Wrinkles slicing, grays invading, ear hairs growing; no one would expect anything less. By God, I’m “distinguished”. I scratch my a$$, arrange my breasts and hack up a goober for good measure.
- To Enjoy - the magic that happens beyond my sight: clothes dry cleaned, full meals placed before me, T.V. dusted, dog walked, kid’s homework done, groceries bought, blinds pulled, fresh cut flowers.
- To Consume - without scales, labels, inches, cups, or a caloric breakdown.
- To Expel - gas, expletives, bulls#!t.
- To Roam - Dark alleys, parking garages, the back country, and bars without fear of being physically attacked.
- To Tell it Like I Think It - I text: WTH is this s#!t? I specifically asked for this documentation to be completed on Friday. If this doesn’t get done I’ll have no qualms to go up, over, under and through your department.
- To Flirt - The barista is seriously hot. Nice strong chin. I watch him make my drink. Nice a$$!! I lean a bit to the right for a better view. He’s fully aware that I’m watching; even a bit uncomfortable about it. He avoids making eye contact which makes it easier for me to take in his hams.“Soy Chai Latte for Monica” he hollers. “Thanks. You have a nice day.” I reply, with a wink. On the way out I hold the door for a group of men coming in, “Nice Dockers!!”
- To Share A Bit More of My Mind - I Text: If I needed to know these issues I’d be the one sitting at your desk? Do your job so I can do mine.
- To Hang – With my other female coworkers in the boss’ office reviewing the latest trends on the catwalk. “Did you see what Dior’s done to the mini?”, “Check out the beading on that Vera Wang blouse? I’ve never seen anything like it!” Rhonda asks, “Who’s the new guy at the end of the hall?” in which I respond, “I don’t care how nice his eyes are, is he going to get his s#!t done on time?” Bob walks in on us, obviously breaking up our conversation, “Hey, Bob. Like the belt.”
- To Communicate – I email, “What the hell is going on with your people and these bloody documents? We’ve discussed this for two months now. How complicated do you need this to be? Since Jim obviously can’t handle this issue maybe someone else in your department can. Don’t worry, we’re only losing $10,000 every freakin’ day as we wait for Jim to get his s#!t together. No prob. Start-ups are a dime a dozen.”
- To Converse - The gals and I talk shop as our male coworkers patiently sit and wait. “I’m telling you T.J. Max is the place to get affordable decoration.” I grab my fourth cookie from the plate in the center of the table. Jessica chips in, “All I know is I’m getting sucked raw by my interior decorator.” I glance quickly toward the dudes at the table. A few look offended, the rest look like they didn’t hear Jessica’s remark, even as it echoes off the walls. I look away. She’s like that; no harm done. “I really don’t appreciate those kinds of innuendos.” Mark chirps in. We turn to the business.
- To Inhale - The ladies and I are regulars at Turtle-nator Tuesday; a bacon wrapped burger with five chunks of hotdog sticking out of the sides. Looks like a sun burnt turtle served with baked beans, cheesy fries and a salad. I always swap out the salad for more fries.
- To Play - Nine holes on a Wednesday afternoon with the ladies. Geoffrey asks if he can go along. On the 7th hole he asks why he’s the only guy he’s seen on the last 6 holes. Jessica’s a little too quick to answer, “Guess all the men are in the office; trying to figure out how to fill out a document in Word.” I can see why the guys don’t like working with her.
- To Deal - The lingerie sales lady has convinced my husband a 34C fits just as well as a 32DD and the coupon they mailed me doesn’t include Sale items. I have my husband hand his cell to her. “You and I both know a freakin’ 34C does not fit like a 32DD! Either you have the size I need or you don’t. If you do, I’ll take three. I know that coupon does not mention any exclusion on sale items. Can you handle ringing this up or should I hold?”
- To Stress - Our minivan is on its last oil change. We need a new car, but with the recession, the bonus/raises were held back last year. It’s on me to figure out how we’re going to carry another loan.
- To Move - with little question to my capabilities: I jump a barrier, start a chainsaw, pop lids off salsa jars, carry out 3 Hefty bags of trash, dive from cliffs, toss around 40lb hand weights during my workout, scrape half the skin off my knee sliding into home, drown my third dunk as if I could do it all… day… long. My shoulders feel broader, my body is heavy with muscle, and there’s an insatiable energy surrounding my groin.
- To Fix - My car sounds funny so I pop the hood and go through the engine like a well read book: battery, starter, sensors, spark plugs, timing belt. Looks like the solenoid needs replaced. My son has locked up the computer. I know it’s the security software I downloaded a week ago. I reboot, reload and tweak; issue solved.
- To Give - My income to pay the bills, my free time to the few hours I have each week with my kids, my solutions to my husband’s problems, my passion to college football and the last hour in the day to Colbert and Kimmel.
How would a day go if I were to live it with a man’s mentality? Would my fears be any less, greater, or just different? Would I accomplish more? Would my goals come easier? Would the world give me a hand, a break, a significant raise? What would I appreciate? What would I miss?
– Monica Wilcox
By Monica Wilcox