- To Converse - The gals and I talk shop as our male coworkers patiently sit and wait. “I’m telling you T.J. Max is the place to get affordable decoration.” I grab my fourth cookie from the plate in the center of the table. Jessica chips in, “All I know is I’m getting sucked raw by my interior decorator.” I glance quickly toward the dudes at the table. A few look offended, the rest look like they didn’t hear Jessica’s remark, even as it echoes off the walls. I look away. She’s like that; no harm done. “I really don’t appreciate those kinds of innuendos.” Mark chirps in. We turn to the business.
- To Inhale - The ladies and I are regulars at Turtle-nator Tuesday; a bacon wrapped burger with five chunks of hotdog sticking out of the sides. Looks like a sun burnt turtle served with baked beans, cheesy fries and a salad. I always swap out the salad for more fries.
- To Play - Nine holes on a Wednesday afternoon with the ladies. Geoffrey asks if he can go along. On the 7th hole he asks why he’s the only guy he’s seen on the last 6 holes. Jessica’s a little too quick to answer, “Guess all the men are in the office; trying to figure out how to fill out a document in Word.” I can see why the guys don’t like working with her.
- To Deal - The lingerie sales lady has convinced my husband a 34C fits just as well as a 32DD and the coupon they mailed me doesn’t include Sale items. I have my husband hand his cell to her. “You and I both know a freakin’ 34C does not fit like a 32DD! Either you have the size I need or you don’t. If you do, I’ll take three. I know that coupon does not mention any exclusion on sale items. Can you handle ringing this up or should I hold?”
- To Stress - Our minivan is on its last oil change. We need a new car, but with the recession, the bonus/raises were held back last year. It’s on me to figure out how we’re going to carry another loan.
- To Move - with little question to my capabilities: I jump a barrier, start a chainsaw, pop lids off salsa jars, carry out 3 Hefty bags of trash, dive from cliffs, toss around 40lb hand weights during my workout, scrape half the skin off my knee sliding into home, drown my third dunk as if I could do it all… day… long. My shoulders feel broader, my body is heavy with muscle, and there’s an insatiable energy surrounding my groin.
- To Fix - My car sounds funny so I pop the hood and go through the engine like a well read book: battery, starter, sensors, spark plugs, timing belt. Looks like the solenoid needs replaced. My son has locked up the computer. I know it’s the security software I downloaded a week ago. I reboot, reload and tweak; issue solved.
- To Give - My income to pay the bills, my free time to the few hours I have each week with my kids, my solutions to my husband’s problems, my passion to college football and the last hour in the day to Colbert and Kimmel.
How would a day go if I were to live it with a man’s mentality? Would my fears be any less, greater, or just different? Would I accomplish more? Would my goals come easier? Would the world give me a hand, a break, a significant raise? What would I appreciate? What would I miss?
– Monica Wilcox