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What Makes a Love Significant?

What Makes a Love Significant?

Love doesn’t sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new. ~Ursula K. LeGuin

If ever there was an emotional state that we idealize it is love. We want nothing of itís dark belly underside, we demand that it always show only its shiniest side to us.† We are, many of us, unprepared for the battles that the heart must be willing to carry on in the name of love. We more willingly dispose of the container and our promises of forever than have to sift through the stench of disappointment and hurts that are the products of love, as surely as are the moments of glorious connection.

Finding a point of balance between the opposing voices of love is in fact loveís purpose and maybe even where we find itís meaning.† Albert Ellis taught that ďThe art of love… is largely the art of persistence.Ē† Learning how to not give up on our lovers or ourselves when we fail to reflect the goodness we see in others or have in ourselves is the first act of maturing and the foundation of what love requires of us. Celebrate the days when the picture is perfectly clear, and oh so lovely when they fall on a holiday, but donít lose heart or intention when the image is unrecognizable.†† Choosing love at those moments is the guts of what it means to be loved.

At our very best, we human creatures are universally imperfect. We all share some form of annoying habit, and equal measures of gifts and challenges.† Although early in our courtships, our biology seduces us into believing that our beloved contains no faults.† While this may be critical to the perpetuation of the species, it is misleading in the work of love.† There is a strange irony in relating about how our greatest strengths become our greatest weaknessí and this unpredictable twist can often make what seemed a perfect partner become perfectly impossible.

Arriving at this juncture in our relationships makes you realize that love, in fact,† is not blind.† Developing the ability to hold the challenging aspects of our partners a long side the aspects we love is how we learn to see love as art. We commit to learn to see with a painterís eye,† by finding the essence of what is loveable and rendering the rest as background.

This is the difference between falling in love and loving over time.† Getting swept away in our biological imperative of attraction and believing that is what love feels like is the heartbreaking misunderstanding of our time about what real love gives and requires of our development.†† The work of love is the most significant endeavor in a lifetime because finding the deep, soft connection to others over time transforms us and makes us better versions of ourselves.

Love that is significant is a way of life.† It is doing the hard work where we battle with the darkest sides of ourselves and the people we love, fighting to come back to the light that comes from our connecting and reconnecting.†† It is accepting that relationships are not designed to be easy, but rather are the dramatic and intense theatre of our lives where we work to expand our capacity for a vulnerable heart.†† When we give up our expectations for love to be ideal, we step into the space where we are able to work with love as it is- and as we are.† Like a sculptorís tools,† our daily efforts to see and interpret our relationships as a work in progress,† slowly molds us into the loving people we long to be.

Read more: Ask the Loveologist, Love, Relationships, Sex, Spirit, ,

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Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family.† In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,† she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative advice.†It has been called "the essential guide for relationships." †The book is available on ebook.† Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives with their four children ages 13- 22 in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.

31 comments

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5:13PM PST on Feb 17, 2014

Thanks for sharing.

2:51AM PST on Feb 27, 2013

It's a kind of art

8:09PM PDT on May 2, 2011

This is the best article that I have read from Wendy it makes a lot of good points.

4:43PM PST on Mar 1, 2011

Finding someone that will hold on during the rough spots is hard. I have been having trouble doing the same for them. I need a focal point like I had doing twirls in ballet. Sometimes I can't see it even though I know all this. Lately coincidence has been helping me. Everytime I want to get away I get a whole bunch of blatant coincidences to steer me back. Thank goodness. Love is the best.

1:27PM PST on Feb 23, 2011

It's sad how very few people know but don't practice this act. It is too hard. It's easier to take the fast road. They don't realize that by doing this, they are slowly selling their growth off...

5:09AM PST on Feb 22, 2011

great post.. thanks

2:22AM PST on Feb 20, 2011

Love is a journey of self discovery.

8:15AM PST on Feb 19, 2011

this is a great post.

3:03PM PST on Feb 18, 2011

Thanks dear loveologist!... @};-'-,-'----

12:33PM PST on Feb 18, 2011

Wendy - you're helping a lot of folks! XOXO

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