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Where Is the Love?

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Where Is the Love?

Iím sitting at LAX waiting to fly from LA to San Francisco, and across from me, a man is talking on the phone and weeping.† He is holding his face in both hands, full on sobbing, chest heaving, gulping hiccups, trying to catch his breath between tears. I can only wonder what the person on the phone has just said. Did his mother just die of a heart attack? Did his girlfriend dump him for his best friend? Did he lose the job that pays the bills for his three kids? Did the jury decide to send him to jail?† Did his son just commit suicide? Has there been an earthquake or tornado or tsunami that destroyed his hometown? Did his wife just miscarry? I canít help but wonder. I find myself tearing up. There but by the grace of God go I. My phone could ring. Everything could change with one phone call.

I’m trying not to watch him.

And Iím not alone. Iím surrounded by people who are ignoring him while he cries openly.† How many feel uncomfortable by his freely expressed sorrow? And why are all of us sitting here, pretending that another human being isnít suffering alone? Why doesnít someone get up and give this guy a hug?

Do we think we might embarrass him if we let on that heís upset? Have we become so hardened that we donít even notice the sorrow in another person? Are we so disconnected from our humanity, so inward-turned, that weíve lost all sense of compassion? It makes me sad for what weíve become. I have to wonder — where is the love?

How many of you have had similar experiences? Have you witnessed sorrow in another person and longed to comfort that person- but didnít?† I know I do it all the time. †Clients and people who attend my workshops tend to do a lot of crying. I have Kleenex boxes all over my office. In the past, when people cried, I would rush over to hug them, shoving tissues at them, and asking them whatís wrong. Then someone with experience working with people in pain told me to stop. She suggested that my officious niceness might make the individual feel that itís somehow not okay to cry, that their tears are making me uncomfortable and should be wiped away. And thatís not how I want people to feel. I want people in my life to know that itís okay to feel your feelings, that I donít need to ďfixĒ whatís gone wrong, that Iím here, waiting with a hug, but I donít want to discourage the full expression of emotion and experience.

Then what should I do?

But if I donít hug, offer tissues, and lend a listening ear, what should I do? Nothing? Should I — like everybody else here at this big city airport — look the other way and protect this gentlemanís privacy? Should I turn off my humanity and behave in a socially acceptable way — by keeping silent? I honestly donít know. I struggle with this kind of thing.

The woman who told me to stop being so overly comforting suggested that the best thing I can offer is my presence, my ability to just be with what is happening, to radiate the sense that what they feel is true, to bear witness to it, without interfering.† Iím still confused about this. If I just sit here and radiate presence, am I being compassionate to my fellow human being? Or am I just playing it safe?

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Lissa Rankin

Lissa Rankin, MD is a mind-body medicine physician, founder of the†Whole Health Medicine Institute training program for physicians and other health care providers, and the New York Times bestselling author of†Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof That You Can Heal Yourself.† She is on a grassroots mission to heal health care, while empowering you to heal yourself.† Lissa blogs at†LissaRankin.com and also created two online communities -†HealHealthCareNow.com and†OwningPink.com. She is also the author of two other books, a professional artist, an amateur ski bum, and an avid hiker. Lissa lives in the San Francisco Bay area with her husband and daughter.

140 comments

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5:00PM PDT on Aug 21, 2011

Great article.

11:05AM PDT on Jul 1, 2011

beautiful inquiry

9:32PM PDT on Jun 20, 2011

...sion of emotion. I don't feel guilty for having wide boundaries. They are in my life for a reason.
If a stranger were to approach me while I was having an emotional break down it would frighten me and increase my already agitated state. I would want someone to respect my boundaries and ask me if they could help first. That way I would have the opportunity to refuse their help and find a more private place to break down if possible. I treat other people as I would like to be treated.
There are illnesses that affect people emotionally where they do not respond to other people's emotions in typical ways. They may laugh at a funereal, they may cry at a comedy and other inappropriate expressions that may aggravate other people's emotional expectations. So although we all feel to a certain extent we don't all exhibit emotions in the same way. Do what you think is right respectfully but do not expect other people to share your views on emotions and reacting to other people's emotional displays. And don't judge other people for not wanting to respond as you do. I am not a bad person because I can't comfort someone that is aggravating my mental state. It is better for them and for me if I leave them alone.

9:31PM PDT on Jun 20, 2011

There are different feelings in life, just as there are different people in life. There are different ways to deal with pain and different types of pain to deal with.
Before you ever touch someone ask them if they want to be touched. That is common courtesy. Many times people don't know how to handle other people's pain. Some people are superstitious about other people's pain and don't want to get involved. Some people are afraid of other people's pain. I am one of those people. I am emphatic also but because of my disability other people's emotions effect me and my mood and can bring strong repercussions upon me. Sometimes it makes me angry when they are sad. Sometimes it brings depression on. And sometimes it makes me laugh. I tend to avoid strangers that exhibit public displays of intense emotion. Whether it is giddiness, crying or anger if an acute mental response is accompanied by a strong physical response it tends to make me respond in a correspondingly severe reaction. And sometimes that makes me very ill.
Your response to another's emotional action is to comfort the person having an emotional reaction. When I see a person with an intense public emotional reaction I give them wide berth and even leave the area. I am not responsible for someone else's pain as much as I am responsible for my own emotional state. Personal emotions are not emergencies like a physical crisis. Unless a person asks me specifically for help I do not interfere with another person's expres

11:42AM PDT on Jun 19, 2011

I thought the article was great.

5:53PM PDT on Jun 17, 2011

as a high school student i see a lot of people i don't know and i lot of people i do know crying or just breaking down in the hall way between classes, and i always feel like i should say something or do something to make them feel beter, but too often if i am not a close friend of the person i let my shyness get in the way and just walk by feeling guilty and sad
i hope i can do better next school year.

7:11PM PDT on Jun 15, 2011

You intention to be present might just be received and you didn't know it. Thanks for writing about this. Caring is different than rescuing and sometimes "not doing" feels wrong. What you did by writing about it, may be what we all needed to think about. And, you can ask a person, if there is something they need, if you really can't ignore their pain. They have the choice to let you into their space or not.

9:44PM PDT on Jun 14, 2011

I wish I had the guts to do something in that kind of situation.I'm too shy and worried about saying/doing the wrong thing,or inviting myself where I'm not wanted.But I know from experience that when someone tenses up and seems that they don't want comforting,they might just be too scared or emotionally unable to accept the comfort.That doesn't necessarily mean they don't want or need it.Still,there's no way of knowing,and as I said I'm very shy,so I would just look the other way.Not to be cold,I just get very nervous in these situations.

10:55AM PDT on Jun 14, 2011

thank you for sharing this story

7:22PM PDT on Jun 13, 2011

What I've noticed is that we like to classify things and people. If the world could be put into two camps, the camp of "them" and the camp of "us", that would simplify things for us, but reality is much more complex. Anyway, I digress. . .What I see is that even the golden rule doesn't guarantee that the other person will understand our intentions, because everyone is just different. I was fortunate enough to work in a health resort for about a year and a half where people who came in with problems to me were generally ready to hear solutions and not interested in mourning. The question I have is what does it take to get to that point in life where one is done with tears and open to hearing solutions? This (American) society is programming us to be emotional, non-thinking creatures who are offended by another's criticism of us. . .Anyway, I thought I would add that even western medical doctors admit that male circumcision helps to reduce the ability for the AIDS virus to be spread to the circumcised person. What will they find out about female circumcision after they've banned it worldwide?

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