Why Being Alone Is Good For Your Relationship

When uttered within a romantic relationship, the words “I need space” are usually not followed by anything good. But what if more space is just what we need for happier, healthier relationships?

In fact, almost a third of us wish we had more of it: Terri Orbuch, a psychologist and research professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research, has been studying 373 married couples for the past 25 years. When she asked the couples if they felt they had enough “privacy or time for self,”, 29% of them said no. And of those participants who said they were unhappy in their marriages, 11.5% said the reason for their unhappiness was lack of privacy or time for themselves.

Of course, just like anything else in a relationship, any two people’s needs for space are sometimes mismatched, leading to hurt feelings. But Vondie Lozano, a marriage and family therapist in California, tells the Wall Street Journal that it’s not personal—people have different needs, but “underneath, both individuals want love.” Not only that, but leaving time for your own friends, interests, and hobbies means you bring novelty and excitement into the routine of a relationship—always a good thing.

So how do you give yourself more space and privacy without distancing yourself from the relationship? Try this:

  • Don’t actually say “I need space.” Regardless of what you mean, that statement by itself is a loaded one—it implies general distance from the relationship, not alone time.
  • Instead, frame it as something you both might need/want. Sit down with your partner and a calendar, and explain that you want to figure out how both of you can take a load off and when.
  • Get specific. Taking action when you make a general statement like “I want more time for myself” is hard. Instead, have a plan, like turning the spare bedroom into a (wo)man-cave, going to a weekly yoga class, scheduling a girls’ night with friends once a month, or penciling in a half-hour walk on a weekend afternoon.
  • Don’t forget to have couple time too. Reboot during your alone time in the afternoon, and reconnect over dinner to keep your connection strong. Spend a weekend by yourself; schedule a date night for when you get back.


More Relationship Reboots:
Relationship Reboot: Get Curious
Relationship Reboot: 5 Ways to Shake Up Your Weekday Routine
Relationship Reboot: Unplug and Unwind
Relationship Reboot: Recreate the First Date


Jo S2 years ago

Very good.
Thank you Diana.

Elisa F.
Elisa F3 years ago

Thanks for sharing.

Amandine S.
Past Member 3 years ago

Thanks for sharing.

Dave C.
DaveAway C3 years ago


Jess No Fwd Plz K.
Jessica K3 years ago

Always good to have some time to regroup, and also to have other experiences to help enrich oneself and the relationship. And I most definitely agree with not stating "I need space". If I were on the receiving end of such a statement, I'd feel attacked and would feel any explanation such as "it's not personal, but" was just a way for my partner to sound like a victim that I've smothered.

Patricia H.
Patricia H.4 years ago

good advice

Denise Extence
Denise E4 years ago

thank you

Natalia T.
Natalia T4 years ago

"turning the spare bedroom into a (wo)man-cave" This is a GENIUS idea! I have never thought of a woman cave but the more I think about it the more I LOVE IT.

Ram Reddy
Ram Reddy4 years ago

Thanks Diana

Dave C.
DaveAway C4 years ago

being that both my wife and I are introverts we both need and like quiet time, alone time, etc....