Why Some Experts Believe An Affair Can Save Your Marriage

By Tiffany Anton for YourTango.com.

I recently read an article on Slate.com by Hanna Rosin titled The Upside of Infidelity: Can An Affair Save your Marriage, and it really got me thinking. My first reaction was joy at knowing therapists are changing their puritanical views of martial infidelity and realizing how our flawed self can bring us healing & reparations. I was also impressed with the idea that monogamy as a social expectation doesn’t equate our biological nature, as well as the validity of differing relationship and sexual needs. My second thought revolved around the vastness of reasoning behind affairs.

Many therapists have a list to explain the ‘whys’ of affairs. Those whose partners cheated tend to search rapidly, and in a fit of panic to find the “reason” the affair occurred. There are many, many why’s and I’ve listed several below.

More from YourTango: 4 Types Of Infidelity & How Affairs Help Marriage

Many of the ‘whys’ of affairs:

  • Situational availability
  • Need for excitement
  • Attachment issues
  • Emptiness in their marriage
  • Lack of sex at home
  • Desire to be wanted
  • An ego boost
  • An escape
  • Attention
  • Affection
  • Sexual diversity
  • Entitlement
  • Intimacy avoidance
  • An out: a way to end a marriage/relationship
  • Externally meeting your sexual and emotional needs
  • Impulsivity
  • Revenge
  • Conflict avoidance
  • and many more

By understanding the ‘why’s’ of affairs, you can look at and hopefully address the challenges in your own marriage, share your needs, and create a new and reinvigorated relationship and sexual expression.

Michael Formica, in his YourTango article 4 Types of Infidelity and How Affairs Help a Marriage, states the that “an affair can add fizz to a flat partnership what was once stale gets refreshed by a new energy.” Second, if you’re having an affair you’re probably doing it because you’re missing something in your first relationship. If you analyze the affair you might be able to see what it is that you lack, and address that problem. Finally, people tend to get into the same kind of relationship over and over again, but affairs are different. According to Formica, they can be “a more authentic barometer for what we actually need in our relationships.”

Another article Can Adultery Be Healthy? 6 Kinds of Sexual Affairs and How They Can Be Good for You by Douglas LaBier offers similar explanations. “Some affairs are psychologically healthy,” he writes. I agree. An affair can help leverage you out of a destructive or deadened relationship that’s beyond the point of renewal. It can springboard the couple into greater emotional honesty and mature action. Of course, you have to be honest with yourself here, and not rationalize yourself into having the affair while postponing necessary action.

More from YourTango: Having Sex After The Affair

An affair can spur you to confront what you really want from your existing partner and motivate you to try creating it. Larry, for example, had an affair for nearly four years. After an argument with his lover one day, he realized he was beginning to feel much of the same irritation and sexual boredom that he felt towards his wife. “This is pretty screwed up,” he said to me. “I’ve got to do something.” As he examined what he really wanted and valued, he recognized his own role in evading long-standing conflicts in his marriage.

There’s always a reason for beginning an affair, and it usually relates to some issue in your existing relationship. It’s far better to face and resolve that first. You don’t just “find” yourself having an affair, or “end up” in bed with someone. It’s your choice, but it can be rationalized. So take a look at what’s missing or unfulfilling in your relationship, why that is, and whether you can or if you even want to do something about it. It’s preferable to try renewing your relationship, or end it with mutual respect before taking up with someone new.

By acknowledging that an affair means you’re living a lie in some form, you have a greater chance to deal with the emotional and practical consequences of the affair in a healthier way. And there are plenty of consequences for yourself, your children, and your existing relationship. But if you fool yourself about the reasons for your affair and what it may set in motion, you can squander irreplaceable years, trapped within illusions and rationalizations. When it all comes crashing down, loneliness and emptiness may be all that remains.

That’s why I advocate awareness at the outset: you can become more conscious of your actions, and use that awareness to deal maturely with their consequences. Or you can remain oblivious, but then you still have to deal with the consequences!

LaBier’s article leads me to my third thought the costs of an affair. Aside from the potential to end your marriage, even affairs “undiscovered” by a partner comes with a price tag: your heart. Most affairs are short lived despite fantasies of longevity. Therefore, a posible outcome can be equated to a heartbreak that rivals the intensity of adolescent/early adulthood relationship endings.

According to Sam J Buser in the article, Why Your Affair Will Never Lead to True Love, “some research suggests that about only one in ten affairs lead to a long-term relationship. Of these, only about 10 percent are permanent. This means that there is about a one in a hundred chance that you and your affair partner will stay together for the long haul.” But that doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t there. In the article The Emotional Cost Of Infidelity, writer Pam Gerhardt notes how many people feel as though they’re falling in love. “According to researchers and eyewitnesses, thousands of people have life-changing affairs and use nearly identical language to describe the passion, betrayal and pain associated with them. “No one ever made me feel like that before.” “I wanted to kill myself.” “If I had to choose one person to live with me on a deserted island, it would be him.”

More from YourTango: Can An Affair Ever Become A Healthy Relationship?

It can create quite a whirlwind of cognitive challenges, visceral sensations, self rejection as well as exploration and growth. A Psychology Today article The Eight Reasons that People Cheat On Their Partners adds to the sentiment with the following: “Extramarital affairs clearly represent a complex mix of desire, anguish, and need for connection. Rarely are they apparently entered into without conflict or even distress. They may be the product of, or the cause of, the ending of a marital relationship. Happy couples may decide to experiment and, as Calhoun observed, find that their marriages survive intact if not improved. However, as shown in these studies, its a risky venture, not one for the faint at heart.”

Are you currently experiencing this in your life and marriage? Below are some questions that may benefit you if you’re feeling confused.

Your Sense of Self:
Who am I to make a choice that would hurt my spouse whom I still love? How do I feel good about myself? What does commitment mean to me? Can I remain monogamous? Do I need to end my relationship? Do I need an open relationship? What is empty or at void with me that I am filling in ways to go against my commitment? How do I meet my needs in respectful ways?

Challenges Your Values:
How do my values and behavior align? What do I value in marriage? Do I value monogamy? If not, it is a high value to my partner? What does my faith say about my choices? How do I understand my values and implement them in a way that doesn’t feel judgmental or suffocating? Do I tell my partner?

The most challenging times in our lives provide the greatest room for growth. The above examples of the cost of an affair can provide an excellent learning ground to reduce judgement and create a wonderful learning opportunity. Despite the ability for an affair to promote self growth and relationship enhancement, be aware that the costs are high and it’s an emotionally expensive way to learn.

This article originally appeared on YourTango.com:Can An Affair Save Your Marriage? Some Experts Believe So.

569 comments

Andy S.
Andy S.4 hours ago

This is anger from USA, am sharing this article to give thanks to Dr,KEN who helped me to bring back my EX lover that broke up with me for 2 months. I was searching for advise on what to do to get back my EX lover and i came across a post of a woman in USA called Angela Shane giving thanks to Dr.KEN for helping her to get back her lost HUSBAND who left her for years with her kids. I contacted the spell caster for help due to the fact that i needed my EX lover desperately because he is my lover and my life. To God be the glory, my EX lover came back to me within 2 days after Dr,KEN finished preparing the spell and i want the world to join me to give thanks to Dr,KEN for helping me. Viewers reading this article that also need his help should contact Dr,KEN with his email; drkenlovespell@gmail.com his telephone number is +1 903-848-5301.

SEND
Richard K.
Richard K.yesterday

today am a happy woman because of what Dr Gozza has done for me and am here to testify to everyone here on this forum how this man helped me win my husband back after he has left me and my 4 months daughter to go after another lady who used powers and lies to deceive my husband , it was a terrible situations for me till i storm into this woman who shared a story about Dr Gozza of hollygozzasolutiontemple@gmail.com, of Facebook just the way am sharing it today now , so i said let me give it a try and after i have explained to this man DR GOZZA from the united state he told me to calm down for there is no problem without a solution so he did his work , prayers, and told me to wait for 48 hours to receive a call, or messages from my husband , i was just like how will this happen , but it was 8 am on that faithful day when i got an apology text from my husband , saying he is so sorry for everything , i quickly take my phone to contact Dr Gozza and inform he that my man has texted me and that was how i got my husband back and today we are one happy family again, so with this great work done for me by DR Gozza hollygozzasolutiontemple@gmail.com, i have decided to share to world about he so whosoever suffering from heart break, marriage problems breakup , cheating spouse, can also contact he today on his email and i know and believe they will also be helped , because today am a living testimony of his good work call or whatapp on his number.%

SEND
Sufuyanu K.
Sufuyanu K.3 days ago

This is my testimony about the good work of a man who helped me..My name is CAROLINE WAYNE. and I am based in NEW YORK , USA. My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me with our three children. I felt like my life was about to end,and was falling apart. Thanks to a spell caster called papa Justus who i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I was searching for a good spell caster that can solve my problems. I came across series of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. There was one particular testimony I saw, it was about a woman called Grace,she testified about how papa Justus brought back her Ex lover in less than 72 hours and at the end of her testimony she drop papa Justus e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give papa a try.

I contacted him via email and explained my problems to him. In just 3 days, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before. papa Justus is really a talented and gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man…If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve that problem for you. Try the great papa Justus today, he might be the answer to your problems. Here’s his contact: drabeljustustemple@gma

SEND
Carol Shana T.
Carol Shana T.4 days ago

Effective Love Spell To Get Back Your Ex Back Within 48 Hours: Fast And Read Through Dr. Trust @ Ultimatespellcast@gmail.com

Hi everyone, I was going crazy when my husband breakup with me and left me for another woman!! All thanks to Dr Trust the best love spell caster online that helped me to bring back my husband today and restore happiness in my marriage.. My husband breakup with me and left me to be with another woman, and i wanted him back. I was so frustrated and i could not know what next to do again, I love my husband so much but he was cheating on me with another woman and this makes him break up with me so that he can be able to get married to the other lady and this lady i think use witchcraft on my husband to make him hate me and my kids and this was so critical and uncalled-for, I cry all day and night for God to send me a helper to get back my husband!! I was really upset and i needed help, so i searched for help online and I came across a website that suggested that Dr Trust can help get ex back fast. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he told me what to do and i did it then he did a spell for me. 48 hours later, my husband really called me and told me that he miss me so much, Oh My God! i was so happy, and today i am happy with my man again and we are joyfully living together as one big family and i thank the powerful spell caster Dr.Trust, he is so powerful and i decided to share my story on the internet th

SEND
Cheif O
Cheif O6 days ago

I am Cheif Oduduwa. I can cast a spell on your behalf regarding a relationship, your financial situation, future events, or whatever is important to you. I have the power and I use the power. I can change the course of your destiny. Contact me and I shall cast a spell for you. Tell me what it is you want and I shall go about my work. Is it someone or something you desire to have? Do you want wealth, or happiness, or a mate E.T.C.
Lost lover specialist
1. We bring back lost lover
2. Do you want to win your loved one
3. We help single people to find partners
4. Do you want to be married?
5. Love attraction
6. Married problems & Divorce
8. Love portion
All these done in 1 - 7 Days, Privacy place strictly
confidential Result 100% Guaranteed and i have divine powers that enable you to connect to your forefathers or ancestors to give you guidance in life and enable you to change the course of your destiny
To inquire about my services, contact me by phone, e-mail. I will be happy to assist you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. For an immediate response please contact me by
+918 147 834 968.
Email: cheifoduduwa@hotmail.com
Chief Oduduwa
http://oduduwaspell.simplesite.com/

SEND
Cheif O
Cheif O6 days ago

I am Cheif Oduduwa,i am an origin of Gujarat,India. I am born with the ability to feel, see and hear messages I can assist you with guidance to your hardest and most confusing situations. I need only the names of those involved and your specific questions. i specialised in bringing lost love , family problems , court cases and even financial issue e.t.c ... there for its you time to call or email me for any questions your looking for no matter where you're located , I can read the past, present and the future, given that I cannot see or assist you I will gladly let you know.

Traditional spiritual healer and psychic Contact No: +918 147 834 968 E-mail: cheifoduduwa@hotmail.com
http://oduduwaspell.simplesite.com/

SEND
Jessica L
Jessica L7 days ago

My name is Jessica Luis, and I base in USA...My life is back!!! After 1 years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with two kids . I felt like my life was about to end i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time. Thanks to a spell caster called Dr Mohammed, which i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet,I came across allot of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb,cure cancer,and other sickness, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. i also come across one particular testimony,it was about a woman called Sonia,she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 2 days, and at the end of her testimony she dropped Dr Mohammed's e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give it a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 48hours, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before Dr Mohammed, is really a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man... If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems for you. Try High monicaspiritualtemple@gmail.com anytime, he might be the answer to your problems. Here's his contact: monicaspiritualtemple@gmail.com or call him +23481344

SEND
Ruth M.
Ruth M.8 days ago

I gave Dr. Alli a call regarding sudden change of my wife and he made it clear to me that my wife will love me till the end of the world,that she will never leave my sight. Now me and my wife is back together again and has started doing pleasant things she hasn’t done before, he makes me happy and do what she is suppose to do as a woman without nagging. Email him for any kind of help you may need Email: allispellhelp1@gmail.com Or Phone number:+2348100772528,.

SEND
Ruth M.
Ruth M.8 days ago

I gave Dr. Alli a call regarding sudden change of my wife and he made it clear to me that my wife will love me till the end of the world,that she will never leave my sight. Now me and my wife is back together again and has started doing pleasant things she hasn’t done before, he makes me happy and do what she is suppose to do as a woman without nagging. Email him for any kind of help you may need Email: allispellhelp1@gmail.com Or Phone number:+2348100772528

SEND
Barbara J.
Barbara J.9 days ago

OMG!! This is certainly a shocking and a genuine Testimony..I visited a forum here on the Internet on the 20TH OF January 2015, And i saw a marvelous testimony of this powerful and great spell caster called Dr, FRED on the forum..I never believed it, because i never heard of anything about magic before.. Not a soul would have been able to influence me about magical spells, not until Dr,FRED did it for me and restored my marriage of 8 years back to me and brought my spouse back to me in the same 24 hours just as i read on the Internet..i was truly astonished and shocked when my husband knelt down begging for forgiveness and for me to accept him back.. I am really short of expressions, and i don't know how much to convey my appreciation to you Dr, FRED you are a God sent to me and my entire family.. And now i am a joyful woman once again.. here is his email address; geniusspells@outlook.com OR call him directly on his phone number +13017987711. or his website : http://geniusspells.webs.com

SEND