Why Some Experts Believe An Affair Can Save Your Marriage

By Tiffany Anton for YourTango.com.

I recently read an article on Slate.com by Hanna Rosin titled The Upside of Infidelity: Can An Affair Save your Marriage, and it really got me thinking. My first reaction was joy at knowing therapists are changing their puritanical views of martial infidelity and realizing how our flawed self can bring us healing & reparations. I was also impressed with the idea that monogamy as a social expectation doesn’t equate our biological nature, as well as the validity of differing relationship and sexual needs. My second thought revolved around the vastness of reasoning behind affairs.

Many therapists have a list to explain the ‘why’s’ of affairs. Those whose partners cheated tend to search rapidly, and in a fit of panic to find the “reason” the affair occurred. There are many, many why’s and I’ve listed several below.

More from YourTango: 4 Types Of Infidelity & How Affairs Help Marriage

Many of the ‘whys’ of affairs:

  • Situational availability
  • Need for excitement
  • Attachment issues
  • Emptiness in their marriage
  • Lack of sex at home
  • Desire to be wanted
  • An ego boost
  • An escape
  • Attention
  • Affection
  • Sexual diversity
  • Entitlement
  • Intimacy avoidance
  • An out: a way to end a marriage/relationship
  • Externally meeting your sexual and emotional needs
  • Impulsivity
  • Revenge
  • Conflict avoidance
  • and many more

By understanding the ‘why’s’ of affairs, you can look at and hopefully address the challenges in your own marriage, share your needs, and create a new and reinvigorated relationship and sexual expression.

Michael Formica, in his YourTango article 4 Types of Infidelity and How Affairs Help a Marriage, states the that “an affair can add fizz to a flat partnership — what was once stale gets refreshed by a new energy.” Second, if you’re having an affair you’re probably doing it because you’re missing something in your first relationship. If you analyze the affair you might be able to see what it is that you lack, and address that problem. Finally, people tend to get into the same kind of relationship over and over again, but affairs are different. According to Formica, they can be “a more authentic barometer for what we actually need in our relationships.”

Another article Can Adultery Be Healthy? 6 Kinds of Sexual Affairs and How They Can Be Good for You by Douglas LaBier offers similar explanations. “Some affairs are psychologically healthy,” he writes. I agree. An affair can help leverage you out of a destructive or deadened relationship that’s beyond the point of renewal. It can springboard the couple into greater emotional honesty and mature action. Of course, you have to be honest with yourself here, and not rationalize yourself into having the affair while postponing necessary action.

More from YourTango: Having Sex After The Affair

An affair can spur you to confront what you really want from your existing partner and motivate you to try creating it. Larry, for example, had an affair for nearly four years. After an argument with his lover one day, he realized he was beginning to feel much of the same irritation and sexual boredom that he felt towards his wife. “This is pretty screwed up,” he said to me. “I’ve got to do something.” As he examined what he really wanted and valued, he recognized his own role in evading long-standing conflicts in his marriage.

There’s always a reason for beginning an affair, and it usually relates to some issue in your existing relationship. It’s far better to face and resolve that first. You don’t just “find” yourself having an affair, or “end up” in bed with someone. It’s your choice, but it can be rationalized. So take a look at what’s missing or unfulfilling in your relationship, why that is, and whether you can — or if you even want to — do something about it. It’s preferable to try renewing your relationship, or end it with mutual respect before taking up with someone new.

By acknowledging that an affair means you’re living a lie in some form, you have a greater chance to deal with the emotional and practical consequences of the affair in a healthier way. And there are plenty of consequences for yourself, your children, and your existing relationship. But if you fool yourself about the reasons for your affair and what it may set in motion, you can squander irreplaceable years, trapped within illusions and rationalizations. When it all comes crashing down, loneliness and emptiness may be all that remains.

That’s why I advocate awareness at the outset: you can become more conscious of your actions, and use that awareness to deal maturely with their consequences. Or you can remain oblivious, but then you still have to deal with the consequences!

LaBier’s article leads me to my third thought — the costs of an affair. Aside from the potential to end your marriage, even affairs “undiscovered” by a partner comes with a price tag: your heart. Most affairs are short lived despite fantasies of longevity. Therefore, a posible outcome can be equated to a heartbreak that rivals the intensity of adolescent/early adulthood relationship endings.

According to Sam J Buser in the article, Why Your Affair Will Never Lead to True Love, “some research suggests that about only one in ten affairs lead to a long-term relationship. Of these, only about 10 percent are permanent. This means that there is about a one in a hundred chance that you and your affair partner will stay together for the long haul.” But that doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t there. In the article The Emotional Cost Of Infidelity, writer Pam Gerhardt notes how many people feel as though they’re falling in love. “According to researchers and eyewitnesses, thousands of people have life-changing affairs and use nearly identical language to describe the passion, betrayal and pain associated with them. “No one ever made me feel like that before.” “I wanted to kill myself.” “If I had to choose one person to live with me on a deserted island, it would be him.”

More from YourTango: Can An Affair Ever Become A Healthy Relationship?

It can create quite a whirlwind of cognitive challenges, visceral sensations, self rejection as well as exploration and growth. A Psychology Today article The Eight Reasons that People Cheat On Their Partners adds to the sentiment with the following: “Extramarital affairs clearly represent a complex mix of desire, anguish, and need for connection. Rarely are they apparently entered into without conflict or even distress. They may be the product of, or the cause of, the ending of a marital relationship. Happy couples may decide to experiment and, as Calhoun observed, find that their marriages survive intact if not improved. However, as shown in these studies, it’s a risky venture, not one for the faint at heart.”

Are you currently experiencing this in your life and marriage? Below are some questions that may benefit you if you’re feeling confused.

Your Sense of Self:
Who am I to make a choice that would hurt my spouse whom I still love? How do I feel good about myself? What does commitment mean to me? Can I remain monogamous? Do I need to end my relationship? Do I need an open relationship? What is empty or at void with me that I am filling in ways to go against my commitment? How do I meet my needs in respectful ways?

Challenges Your Values:
How do my values and behavior align? What do I value in marriage? Do I value monogamy? If not, it is a high value to my partner? What does my faith say about my choices? How do I understand my values and implement them in a way that doesn’t feel judgmental or suffocating? Do I tell my partner?

The most challenging times in our lives provide the greatest room for growth. The above examples of the cost of an affair can provide an excellent learning ground to reduce judgement and create a wonderful learning opportunity. Despite the ability for an affair to promote self growth and relationship enhancement, be aware that the costs are high and it’s an emotionally expensive way to learn.

This article originally appeared on YourTango.com: Can An Affair Save Your Marriage? Some Experts Believe So.

610 comments

 .
.5 days ago

I want to use this medium to thank Dr UZOYA for helping me to get back my lover after she left me and the kids for 5 months to suffer.When she left,she told me that she don't love me again and she has found another man which she loved.I cry everyday because i love her so much and i decide to go the net for help when i saw a lady called corny post of how Dr UZOYA help her to get her husband back who divorced her and i just say to myself let me give this Dr UZOYA a try and indeed he is wonderful he help me to get my lover back within 2days and my lover return to me and promise to love me forever and beg me for the pain she cost me. I will forever be grateful to you Dr UZOYA, and i will not stop to publish your name on the Internet for people to see because you are so great.You can email him at; driraborspellcaster@gmail.com OR call his telephone number on +1(301) 909 8775 and he will also save your marriage.

SEND
Rose M.
Rose M6 days ago

I never believed in Love Spells or Magics until I met this special spell caster when i went to Africa to Execute some business..He is really powerful..My husband divorce me with no reason for almost 4 years and i tried all i could to have him back cos i really love him so much but all my effort did not work out.. we met at our early age at the college and we both have feelings for each other and we got married happily for 5 years with two kid and he woke up one morning and he told me he’s going on a divorce..i thought it was a joke and when he came back from work he tender to me a divorce letter and he packed all him loads from my house..i ran mad and i tried all i could to have him back but all did not work out..i was lonely for almost 4 years…So when i told the spell caster what happened he said he will help me and he asked for him full name and him picture..i gave him that..At first i was skeptical but i gave it a try cos have tried so many spell casters and there is no solution…so when he finished with the readings,he got back to me that he’s with a woman and that woman i the reason why he left me…The spell caster said he will help me with a spell that will surely bring him back.but i never believe all this…he told me i will see a positive result within 3 days..3 days later,he called me himself and came to me apologizing and he told me he will come back

SEND
Andy S.
Andy S7 days ago

I wake up everyday with a smile on my face and singing praises to this powerful spell caster called Dr,UZOYA who has done me a great favor by rescuing my relationship from break up. I used to think that i have a perfect relationship till when my lover started coming home late and everyday he gives me different excuses then i decided to keep a close eye on him then i discovers that he was having an affair with another girl. I was heart broken because i trusted him so much and knowing that he has a secret relationship, hurts me a lot.. But i thank all those who placed the contact information of Dr,UZOYA on the Internet because through that i have been able to contact Dr,UZOYA and today my relationship has been restored with love and more romance than ever before. If you are in any kind of relationship or marriage stress i will do you a favor by dropping the contact information's of Dr,UZOYA which are via email: driraborspellcaster@gmail.com Or Call +13019098775.

SEND
Past Member
Past Member 7 days ago

what a wonderful world we are living, i still doubt this spell caster how he did it!!! i am Tamara Barrow am from USA I am so happy to let the whole word know how this powerful spell caster saved my marriage.Everything was going down the drain as my husband can not stop cheating on me with other women. It became used to always heating on me. I tried to make him stop, but I couldn't help the situation, the more I tried, the harder it becomes. At times we will fight and go apart for some months and we will come back again just because of our kids. One day a friend told me about this spell caster who helped her too, his name is Dr.voodoo, she said he uses white magic spells to solve spiritual problems. I decided to give it a try, I contacted him and he told me it will take just 2 to 3 days and I will see great changes in my husband. He actually cast a spell, believe me after 2 to 3 days of the spell, my husband was confessing different names of woman he has slept with. He begged for forgiveness and never to try it again. From that day till now, my mind is at rest. My husband dislike every other women on earth except me. And am so happy to have him for myself alone.The spell caster’s contact his email at: voodoospelltemple66@gmail.com you can also add Dr.voodoo on whatsApp +2349061243458

SEND
Stewart L
Stewart Luke8 days ago

I was too curious to know if love spell really work or if is even real because of numerous encouraging reviews about prophet ogidi. I wanted help getting back my husband but I was also scared at the same time because it was my first time. But every fears surrounding me disappeared immediately prophet ogiddi started the spell.My request to Prophet ogidi was “for the past 4 month my Husband changed to monster, we have been fighting and he started finding excuses not to come home or even visit on weekends, before he finally disappeared from my life. I found out weeks after his disappearance that I’m pregnant with his kid”.My pregnancy was gradually stressing me out and I wanted my Husband to come home and take care of me and be faithful as well. My husband was a loving, good and responsible man before he lost his job. I was desperate and at the same time afraid of harming him until Prophet ogidi finally brought him back as promised. It was like a magic in front of my eyes. It was a wonderful experience and prove that prophet ogidi and his email you MIRACLECENTER110@GMAIL.COM are real.

SEND
Deeva D
Deeva D28 days ago

There is nothing in this life if you are not with the right man in your
life i almost lost my marriage until i maent this great doctor odion who
helped my marriage at first i was scared but he told me not to that all
will be fine so i decided to give him a try and today i have my man back
that left me for years now my life is back and we happily together now
thanks doctor odion for this you have done in my life and the whole will
hear of your good works and if you are out there and you are having thesame
issue or maybe you are sick or any other problem or are you having issues
with pregnancy you can reach him through his email @ doctorodiontemple@gmail
.com

SEND
Andy S.
Andy Sabout a month ago

Am MABEL by name... I feel very happy to share my great and wonderful testimony with everyone on this site..: I was married for 4 years to my husband and all of a sudden, another woman came into the picture he started hating me and he was abusive. but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost.... He filed for divorce and my whole life was turning apart and i didn't know what to do, he moved out of the house and abandoned me and the kids... my very close friend told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster so i decided to try it. although i didn't believe in all those things then when he did the special prayers and spell, after 2 days, my husband came back and was pleading that he had realized his mistakes I just couldn't believe it, anyway we are back together now and we are happy in case anyone needs help here is his email address; driraborspellcaster@gmail.com Thank you so much Dr,UZOYA for all you done for me OR call his number +13019098775

SEND
 .
.about a month ago

I wake up everyday with a smile on my face and singing praises to this powerful spell caster called Dr,UZOYA who has done me a great favor by rescuing my relationship from break up. I used to think that i have a perfect relationship till when my lover started coming home late and everyday he gives me different excuses then i decided to keep a close eye on him then i discovers that he was having an affair with another girl. I was heart broken because i trusted him so much and knowing that he has a secret relationship, hurts me a lot.. But i thank all those who placed the contact information of Dr,UZOYA on the internet because through that i have been able to contact Dr,UZOYA and today my relationship has been restored with love and more romance than ever before. If you are in any kind of relationship or marriage stress i will do you a favor by dropping the contact information's of Dr,UZOYA which are via email: driraborspellcaster@gmail.com Or Call +13019098775.

SEND
Andy S.
Andy Sabout a month ago

Dr. UZOYA whose details are [driraborspellcaster@gmail.com] and {+1 (301)909 8775} is the best love spell caster you can get online, there is know doubt about him, his spell is 100% sure that immediately after contacting him your relationship will be fixed and hence forth your relationship will be save and secured . i was once dumped by my lover for many months but immediately i contacted him my lover that dumped me for another man came back to me within 48 hours. i am telling you today that Dr.UZOYA whose details [driraborspellcaster@gmail.com] and +1 (301)909 8775 is the best lover spell caster you can get as far as Internet is concern.

SEND
 .
.about a month ago

How can I explain this to the world that there is a man called Dr uzoya who helped me bring back my ex lover and restored my womb..when all hope was lost..Me and my lover have been married for the past 5 years with no child we were living happily..on till one day that we have an understanding because i had not be able to have a child for him, so he decided to live me because of another women, i was so sad and frustrated and i could not even eat on till one day i was browsing through the internet where i saw a lady called Jessica testifying about spell caster call Dr uzoya who helped her brought back her husband back home, so i decided to take a try in contacting the spell caster Dr uzoya so i explain all my problem to Dr uzoya and he told me that i should not worry that he is going to help me solve my problem,that my lover will come back home to my greatest surprise in just 24 hours my husband start calling me and begging for forgiveness i was so surprise now we are back again as husband and wife,all my thanks goes to DR,UZOYA, worry no more cause DR,UZOYA is here to help u all,i will do u favor my drooping his email; driraborspellcaster@gmail.com OR his telephone number is +1(301) 909 8775

SEND