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Why We Need Our Neighbors

Psychologist Tim Kasser, PhD, thinks that improving our personal well-being will require us to rethink the materialistic values and habits that currently isolate us from one another. In The High Price of Materialism (MIT Press, 2002), he lays out convincing research suggesting that “materialistic values are associated with making more antisocial and self-centered decisions” and that they “conflict with concern for making the world a better place, and the desire to contribute to equality, justice, and other aspects of civil society.”

Kasser’s work concurs with that of a large body of psychologists who are convinced that “good interpersonal relationships and involvement in one’s community form two cornerstones of personal well-being.” And he illuminates the great variety of ways that “we permit materialistic values to undermine much of what could be the very best about our communities.”

Fortunately, some of the most powerful remedies for this situation lie just beyond our own front door. Of course, for many of us to be interested in treading beyond our own threshold, we need to have somewhere appealing to go.

The Power of Public Spaces

“You can immediately identify really good communities by how people use the public spaces — the streets, the sidewalks,” says Fred Kent, founder and president of the New York-based Project for Public Spaces (PPS), a nonprofit organization dedicated to creating and sustaining strong communities. “Look at how they walk, where they stop, whom they’re with. It’s a subtle thing. There’s a sense of comfort. Good places breed wonderful opportunities for affection.”

Community — like most worthwhile things — is not a quick fix or an easy path. Community may begin with well-designed parks or pleasant cafes, but it establishes itself in the world only when it roots itself in our hearts as a transformation of our attitudes — a willingness to confront fear and a willingness to give time, attention and love in large measure to people outside our immediate circle.

This is good news. We really don’t have to wait for our streets to be narrowed, speed bumps to be built or the perfect coffee shop to open to begin the soul-enlarging work of community. We need only to make the change in ourselves — and then, to reach out.

It’s no accident that on a popular poster titled “How to Build Community,” designed by the Syracuse Cultural Workers collective in New York, the hints go well beyond issues of urban planning, neighborhood design and traffic policy. “Play together,” suggest the Cultural Workers. “Ask for help when you need it. Seek to understand. Learn from new and uncomfortable angles. Honor elders.” And my favorite: “Fix it even if you didn’t break it.”

Jon Spayde is a writer and editor in St. Paul, Minn. His is the author of How to Believe (Random House, 2007).

Read more: Community, Do Good, Friendship, General Health, Health, Life, Love, Mental Wellness, Relationships, Sex, , , , ,

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90 comments

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11:18AM PST on Jan 11, 2012

I've never known any of my neighbors, never played with kids in my neighborhood either. My parents built a giant wall surrounding the house so I never really left home as a kid. I wish I did live in an area where the community was united.

8:12PM PST on Nov 14, 2011

i remember when a whole town was our neighbors. now is so different.

2:37PM PDT on Aug 1, 2010

We live out in the country and most of our neighbors are pretty far away from our house. We all pitch in when something needs to get done, plowing roads full of snow for an example. Every trades food during the holidays and every once in a while we all get together at someone's house for an ice cream social. home theater seating

9:26PM PDT on May 18, 2010

Why we need them? Basically because "no man is an island". We can't live alone. Therefore as a social being we need neighbors to deal with. They may not live up to our expectations but at least they are there to give colors to our lives.Thanks!

3:32PM PDT on Mar 14, 2010

I love your article because it specifially addresses and calls attention to a very important topic: isolated populations. I think more discussion on this topic needs to happen and especially in households across the country. What is being done to create a support network in local communities to mobilize action and inform families about this issue? How can we as individuals contribute our effort to the solutions that will solve this problem?

Please visit my site and read my blogs on family projects and more.
Read my blogs for more ideas:
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2:30AM PST on Mar 5, 2010

Any person could greatly benefit from having a good neighbor. They are not only there to hand you a cup of sugar when you need one. They are contributing factors in making a livable, secured and enjoyable place for living.
acekard 2

7:08PM PST on Feb 27, 2010

to busy anymore to be real neighbors.

9:04AM PST on Feb 24, 2010

neighbor's are not like they use to be, every one is just to busy with life to slow down and meet people

5:17AM PST on Feb 22, 2010

Thanks Jon for this new to me info about isolation and shortening your life. 'Community' is a major step towards peace. I read, "Community Making and Peace", by, I forget his name and my books are in boxes!, but it was way ahead of it's time.

This was years ago, and even then his idea was that by developing smaller, self-contained communities where everyone was involved with each other, and the running of their center, it produced more caring people, doing more for the environment and the world. Eventually this would lead to world peace. That's pretty simplistic, but what I remember from the book.

It makes sense that having everyone involved with how their town develops, this would solve a lot of problems, and yet, I think we're a long way from it!! Although, we're much, much closer, with a lot more people caring, than we were 25 years ago. With world knowledge increasing at such a rapid pace, and so many of us evolving, it is possible that this will happen a lot sooner than most would suspect.

1:56PM PST on Feb 21, 2010

It does make all the difference on how you feel about where you live,I agree.

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
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