Women Are Happier When Men Feel Their Pain

Confession: sometimes I have hard time letting a relationship quarrel go. I don’t hold a grudge, exactly…but I do sometimes prolong disagreements to make sure I’m being heard and understood. Of course, when I’m upset about something, sometimes this goes down less maturely than I’d like, and just when he thinks our argument is resolved, I jump in for round two. And three. (Do you understand why I’m upset? But do you get it?)

But before you criticize, I’ll have you know that science totally has my back on this one. According to a study by the American Psychological Association, empathy makes for a happy relationship…but men and women differ on what they want empathy on.

In addition to asking about overall relationship satisfaction, researchers had 156 heterosexual couples describe a recent incident with their partners that was frustrating, disappointing, or upsetting. The couples were asked to try to come to an understanding, in a 10-minute discussion together, of what had happened. The researchers recorded the discussion and then played it back for the couples, asking them to rate their negative and positive emotions throughout.

The results? Women wanted their partners to know when they were upsetóin fact, the women reported happier when this happened (the men didn’t). The women were also happier when they correctly understood when their partners were upset, rather than happy. The authors behind the study suggest that these results may show that being empathetic to a partner’s negative emotions may feel threatening to the relationship for men, but not for women.

Do you see evidence of that in your own relationship? I’ll certainly ponder it next time I find myself asking “but do you really get why I’m upset? Are you sure?” when I’m having a disagreement with my (wonderful, patient) partner.

72 comments

Roger M.
Past Member 3 years ago

Thanks.

Aud Nordby
Aud nordby3 years ago

thanks

Gabriel L.
Past Member 3 years ago

thanks.

Susan S.
Paul Stephan3 years ago

Duh!

Terry V.
Terry V.3 years ago

noted

Kamilla S.

Yes, women wants men to "feel her pain". Which doesn't mean she wants her man to be IN pain. Just that she wants him to understand her, when SHE is in pain. Emphasize with her. Show some sympathy. Letting her be, offer some words of console. Give a hug perhaps? Telling her not to worry. And maybe some advice of how to handle the problem. But mostly its not what really is needed. Shes not looking for you to handle her problem, to fix everything for her. She just wants to ventilate and for you to be there for her. Its simply called emotional support.
In the article it says that men doesn't want the same thing. That they feel threatened. I don't quite believe that. Would they not want emotional support? Or does that mean they are not man enough to handle it themselves? I don't know. I hope its not the case, since everyone needs emotional support at one time or the other. Could a man perhaps explain his point of view on this matter?

Patricia H.
Patricia H.4 years ago

interesting

Ioannes Jones
Ioannes J.4 years ago

Question: If women happier when her men feel their pain, Would Men happier when women feel their (lifetime partner, GF, significant others) pain too? Women understand men pain?

Danuta Watola
Danuta Watola4 years ago

Thanks for the information!

Rajnish Singh
Rajnish Singh4 years ago

i love my finance very much.i like to give her too much happiness in her life and understand her feeling.