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You Pick: Self-Control Or Self-Love?

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You Pick: Self-Control Or Self-Love?

“All I really want is to be able to get swimsuit-ready down there without having a knock-down, drag-out fight with my belly and breasts. Is that really too much to ask?”

I would love to tell you that this quote came from one of my coaching clients, but it didn’t. I’ve said that and a truly incalculable number of other not-helpful things about my body in the twenty or so years I spent hating it. They are assessments that I would never, ever say about another woman. In fact, I wouldn’t even think them. My crooked little brain didn’t produce “other”-loathing thoughts, but when it came to self-loathing, I was quite masterful.

It started in my early teens, long before I actually had a weight problem…something that shocked me a few years ago when I actually went back and looked at pictures. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried to control my impulses for unhealthy foods, or how much I tried to force myself to work out or walk or anything else that would result in sweating and weight loss, I couldn’t get it done. I felt like a complete failure, and as I watched myself spiraling downward into whatever is below the darkest shadows in the pit of failure, I seemed wholly incapable of choosing a new direction.

I know. It all sounds very dramatic, but sadly, this is not an exaggeration. Like many of the women I work with today, I was once a self-destructive tornado of self-defeating madness. I was, by far, my worst enemy. Blessedly, the force of protection and healing that could turn all of that around lived within me as well.

The stones of the path that I traveled back to sanity are many and as varied as one might imagine. There was the realization that I use food like other people use vodka. There was a week-long intensive at a treatment facility for eating disorders where the stories I’d been telling myself were first challenged; and I received the first nuggets of what would be an ongoing study of nutrition and the body. There was the harsh recognition that much of my internal and external dialogue every single day was about food and being overweight and that basically, my emotional and social lives were anchored in food.

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Christy Diane Farr

Christy Diane Farr is a catalyst. If that sounds like something you want more of in your life, visit 'The Greenhouse' at and join the Wildflower Evolution on Facebook.


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2:58PM PDT on May 30, 2012

good article thanks

1:38PM PDT on May 30, 2012

This is an excellent perspective, and mirrors the evolution of my own self-image... finally allowing me to see what I have been working towards.

6:33PM PDT on May 29, 2012

JaneB you have my sympathy ... for not having found a man that challenges your beliefs about men. I grant you it took me a while to find the right man for me, but I did meet more than one, along the way, who didn't have the attitude you expressed here. And - if you think I'm just lucky - I lived with 6 years of sexual abuse from my husband followed by a 'knife assisted' rape by someone I thought I could trust. Not all men are the same - nor are all women.

12:20PM PDT on May 27, 2012


6:01PM PDT on May 26, 2012

Wow. I really need to hear this! Thanks for posting.

10:50AM PDT on May 26, 2012


10:53PM PDT on May 25, 2012

Lovely piece Christy.

I was in your 'playing with' position for quite a while, getting used to the thought and feel of it. Then at the end of last week I took the plunge. In fact, it was the inspiration for my 'stuff it' philosophy (or the other way round?). I gave up control, decided to trust my body / intuition, thought 'stuff it!' to all my preconceived ideas, beliefs and misconceptions, and stepped tentatively into the flow.

It feels great! OK, I've drifted back to the shore several times and then pushed myself back in again as soon as I've realized it, but if I'd had any idea that life could feel SO wonderful, that I could feel SO alive, before - I would have dropped everything and floated into the flow YEARS ago ...

Some of the changes are totally unexpected though, and confusing. Letting my body take over - I suddenly don't like strawberries or cheese. They were great loves of my life. I'm also reaching for more fish, especially salmon (so I guess my body isn't happy going the full vegetarian way). And my muscles are aching, especially around my shoulders, neck and back - even though I haven't done any archery for 2 weeks. I think it is the tension leaving and the muscles learning to relax and let go.

Wonderful piece, wonderful thoughts, wonderful inspiration for others. Thank you.

3:06PM PDT on May 25, 2012


2:46PM PDT on May 25, 2012

You ain't a kidd'n!

1:56PM PDT on May 25, 2012

" Love is what heals, and while it is beautiful and generous to give that gift to others, we must remember to be loving with ourselves."

"Love is what heals" is true, but just "loving ourselves" will not cure a lifetime of painful memories. The key to success of healing, especially for women, is to GET some love from
OTHER PEOPLE after a lifetime of GIVING. It is a slow process and doesn't come easy. It's like a slow growth of DEMANDING RESPECT from those around you. Women keep blaming THEMSELVES for their bad self image and their eating disorders, but it is NOT THEIR FAULT. "SOCIETY" PUT THOSE FALSE STANDARDS on WOMEN, the WOMEN DIDN'T DO IT. Women are the victims and "society" is the abuser. Society is CONTROLLED by MEN so the CONTROLLERS ARE TO BLAME. Women need to stop and realize how men think. You may have noticed that men are brought up think that women were put on earth for them to use as breeders and slaves. They don't really care how fat you are when they are USING you but when they are done with you, suddenly you are either too fat or too sick or something. THEN you will get dumped and you will get NO LOVE. That's the only thing that women crave, the LOVE that they were PROMISED. The harsh truth is, no matter how thin you get or how many face lifts you get, nothing will ever get
you that LOVE, that DEVOTION that you were promised from MEN. That is gone forever. Men only put up with women for SEX or if they are OLD, they want women for nursemaids

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Disclaimer: The views expressed above are solely those of the author and may not reflect those of
Care2, Inc., its employees or advertisers.

people are talking

Sounds great, thank you for sharing!

Well, that's a way to see avocados in a whole new light. Not to mention shape and size. Thanks.

Thank you.


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