Monday July 6, 2009, 2:18 pm
God love these poor souls. In some cases, they feel they are not worthy to have even a little boost in their low-self-esteem. I don't remember the medical term, but something in their brains are misfiring. I had a girlfriend in college who was all bubbly around her friends, especially me, but when it came to the opposite sex, she didn't know what to do or how to act. She'd get very depressed. What helped her a little was me praising her; telling her what her good qualities were and sharing good times.

Monday July 6, 2009, 9:07 pm
great story;

Tuesday July 7, 2009, 4:48 pm
It is not necessarily something misfiring in the brain. It is systematic negative programming by peers and significant others who don't want you to believe in yourself, because if you did, you would outperform them in LIFE, hands down, so they have to keep you down. And yes, it can get to where you don't feel like you even deserve praise, because after all, you've been told praise will give you a "big head." How do I know this? Because I've been psychologicaly beat up on and bullied all my life because I have Aspergers, and God forbid if I should happen to outdo others who do not have a disability.

Tuesday July 7, 2009, 4:52 pm
Self Help/Psychiatric books and treatments are designed to make you feel worse not better! Why do you think half of the US alone is on anti psychotics not because they are sick but because of greed!

Tuesday July 7, 2009, 6:24 pm
I grew up with a mother believing in both, 'negative AND positive reinforcement". On her good days she would build me up but on her bad days - which there were many more - I was told that I would never amount to much and certainly not ever measure up to her once celbrated beauty. In retrospect much of this was caused by frustration, no father after my parents seperated when I was but a couple of years old, growing up in post-war Europe without sufficient food and lacking most basic needs. To top it all off, I was an extremely difficult child to handle and I still feel everything was just too much for my mother.

For the past 35 years I have been and still am living with a husband that continually patronizes, belittles me and generally uses me as a his emotional punching bag while the outside world thinks he is so charming and witty and caring. Why am I still here? My 2 adult daughters ask me the same question over and over again. Answer: no money since I never learned or had the foresight to save and spoiled by a very good life style until about 15 years ago when we went on a financial downward spiral. My husband 'developed' multiple chronic pains and disabilities and has not had any income for all these years besides forcing his parents to deplete all of their savings and whom he treats in the same depreciating and controlling manner as myself.

Now we depend on our meagerly Social Securiy checks and the only bright thing is his having secured a Reversed Mortgage and with it the assurance of a roof over our heads for life. Our beautiful, expensive home is falling into major disrepair and we have lived without any air conditioning for 3 yrs now ... not a small feat considering we live in South Florida.

My older daughter who is a Yoga Teacher brings me tons of self-help books, motivational cards and tries her best to help me. I am in such a depressive state that yes, sometimes I wonder how long I can go on. All that these books have done for me is to termporarily give me some hope and lift my spirits but to get me to repeat mantras like "you are the best, you will be successful, you will be happy" ....makes me only feel stupid and ridiculous. Being a naturally humble person and very critical also of myself, I know my negative qualities too well to expect any amount of 'self-help' literature to convince me otherwise. I have been under the usual medication for about 13 yrs and it helped a little. Just about 1 year ago my husband took it upon himself to play doctor and cut me off without warning, from one day to another! It was horrible for the first few months but, I guess, one gets used to pretty much anything. At least I realized one thing, that I really did not need pills, what I DO need would be getting away from the source of my misery. But then it was also manipulated to have me without a car and I have been pretty much housebound for the last 10 yrs. The net of complete control has been cast.

The only thing that really helps is faith and prayer ... and shame on me, knowing it and not embracing it yet! But then ... maybe tomorrow ... I apologize for all this rambling but I have not opened up in a while and somehow this might have eliviated the load.

Tuesday July 7, 2009, 11:09 pm
Please don't appoligise for rambling on at all. It's an outlet, one that we all need at one time or another in our lives. I know what you mean about knowing the answer and not being able to do anything about it. The once you realize you know what you should do, but don't do it, you beat your self up for that. It becomes a vicious cycle, until you finally decide
that you won't accept what the emotional abuser says of you anymore. It's not easy, because you tend to fall back into acceoting your sense of unworth again.

Eventually you have to look and see that it's not you with the problem, but him. He needs you to feel unworthy to make himself feel good. He will do anything to maintain this hold over you, by everything he says and does. The lack of transporation can be the final thing they pull out to keep you under their complete control, so that they make you believe you couldn't survive without them.

I had a similar siutation where money was doled out to me and accounted for. Whenever I got a permit to drive, his automatic car would break down and he'd get a newer used car with standard shift. I never learned to drive till my ex and I broke up. First thing I did was get a full time job in a factory, bought and old beatup car, had the insurance comapany come over to my house and set up what I needed. Then I called a local driving school and took lessons on their vehicle and took the test in their car to. Passed on my first try at age 35, and did I feel free. Still had two young daughters of 9 and 13, but worked out a deal for the hours I was at work with a neighbor.

After working for a few years in a factory, I decided to take 12 credits at a local community college theough the state with grants. Now I have two beautiful grown up daughters one married to a wonder man for 25 years the other recently divorced from a local police dept. police officer. (Just like I was for 14 yrs. - he hated my ex, buuuuut did the exact same thing to my daughter and her kids as my ex did to me) Best part, she's found a lovely man who can't do enough for her, is even willing to makea big move just to be with her and my grandkids.

My daughter and I have prayed long and hard about all that is going on and have come to the conclusion that she got the best out of the whold thing. She's got great kids that she wouldn't have without that first marriage, and now has a wonderful man in her life now, and is not a control freak.
There is hope that the real you will evenually show herself, if you keep up the faith, God's always got a plan in mind, even though we don't always know it in our own time, but rather His time.

Take heart you are never alone, there are so many other friends and sisters, out here that know what you are going through. I'm sorry I really didn't mean for this to be such a long missive, I just wanted you to know we understand and are here for you
Lyn

Wednesday July 8, 2009, 10:21 am
thanks to all for the comments; Heidi I'm so glad you felt able to get a bit of the load off here, and Lyn thanks for sharing and caring... that's what Care2 is also about.

Saturday July 11, 2009, 11:53 am
Noted thanks Michelle.