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How to Tell If You're Involved in the Petraeus Scandal -- Andy Borowitz


Society & Culture  (tags: americans, celebrity, culture, dishonesty, ethics, government, humans, humor, society )

Kit
- 615 days ago - newyorker.com
And with the scandal widening every day, "a lot of average folks out there are worried that they might somehow be involved in it without knowing," says Carol Foyler, director of the C.I.A.'s public-information office. **Humor***



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Kit B. (277)
Wednesday November 14, 2012, 7:03 pm
(Photo Credit: Photograph by Chuck Burton/AP.)


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In response to a high volume of panicked phone calls from the general public, the C.I.A. has published a new informational brochure entitled “How to Tell if You’re Involved in the Petraeus Scandal.”

The C.I.A. rushed to produce the brochure after it became clear that as many as one in three Americans may have some involvement in the Petraeus affair.

And with the scandal widening every day, “a lot of average folks out there are worried that they might somehow be involved in it without knowing,” says Carol Foyler, director of the C.I.A.’s public-information office. “This booklet should clear up a lot misunderstandings.”

The booklet includes a “simple, user-friendly checklist” that should help people determine whether they are at risk for being implicated in the scandal, she says.

“Have you ever met David Petraeus? Have you ever received and/or sent shirtless photos of an F.B.I. agent? Have you ever exchanged e-mails with Jill Kelley? Under five thousand pages of e-mails and you’re probably O.K., but anywhere between ten thousand and fifteen thousand pages of e-mails could potentially mean you’re involved in some way,” she says.

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta said today that he expected the Petraeus scandal to wind down by early 2015 but would not commit to an official timetable.
*****

By Andy Borowitz | The New Yorker Magazine |
 

Past Member (0)
Wednesday November 14, 2012, 7:06 pm
OMG!! That's me! If it weren't for Borowitz we would probably take all this stuff too seriously and fall into a deep depression. Thx, Kit.
 

JL A. (272)
Wednesday November 14, 2012, 7:13 pm
Wowie! Double dipping in the humor pot today Kit! Thanks ever so muchj!
 

Kit B. (277)
Wednesday November 14, 2012, 8:30 pm

I figured we needed some laughs and thanks to the Onion and Andy, we have our chuckles.
 

TomCat S. (286)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 10:29 am
I DIDN'T DO IT!
 

Arielle S. (316)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 10:44 am
I dunno, Tom - you seem a little suspicious to me... (grin)
Boy, you'd think this was the be all and end all of important world matters, wouldn't you? And to think I was concerned about the environment and jobs....how silly of me.
 

Gene Jacobson (244)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 11:02 am
This country never stops amazing me. I read an article yesterday that said we are still cloaked in our Puritan beginnings. Mass murder, no problem, drone strikes that hit civilians, no problem, undeclared wars, assassinations without conviction, no problem. But get caught with your zipper down and you're outta here. All the horrible illegal actions we take as a country and have for decades and the only thing that brings down the house is a little sex scandal. We are such hypocrites.
 

Dandelion G. (381)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 11:26 am
Gee why haven't the Banksters and the Vulture Capitalist had to resign or be removed?

After all haven't they screwed enough people!
 

Kit B. (277)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 11:29 am

Puritan, uptight and so full of righteous indignation that it makes ya wanna slap the silly right out of the public.

What happens behind closed doors is one of the many things that really is none of any ones business. I think Petraeous, his wife and family have enough to deal with. This investigation is way out of hand, and I do believe we all know why.

Not to deny the press their role in dropping more blood in the water...slow news? I don't think so, there is a big world out there, news, that is old fashioned hard core news, is out there for all that wanted something more than a salacious story to feed a silly public.


Very good comments, thanks I sure wish I could send some green stars.

TomCat....me thinks thee protests too much!
 

Susanne R. (249)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 12:05 pm
Thankfully, I was under 5,000 pages when the feces hit the fan so I don't think the men in black suits will be confiscating my hard drive any time soon. I'll keep the 5,000 page limit in mind when engaging in any future dalliances --and I would advise my dear friends here on Care2 to do the same!

Thanks for the laugh,Kit!
 

Kit B. (277)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 12:18 pm

Under 5,000 pages? My goodness Susanne, you must share how that is possible. A good online dalliance is known to take hundreds of thousands of pages.

I get the phones calls, long before the Internet men and women talked on the phone. But... knowing the unreliable privacy of the Internet, I can not pretend to understand what these people are thinking, but so glad Andy was kind enough to give us a heads up.
 

Nancy M. (201)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 12:37 pm
I didn't send email to that young woman.
 

Angelika R. (146)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 12:42 pm
Let's go back to mail pigeons!
 

Angelika R. (146)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 12:48 pm
Thx for the tip Susanne! In recent days I have started to delete the over 6000 messages here in my C2 inbox, can proudly say now I am down to just over 2000 and just 3 unread! This thing really suxx to turn some hundred pages to get to where the things are hidden. ;-)
 

Jae A. (323)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 1:13 pm

So you day Nancy M....so you say........and just what is your defination of ...email ! ? ....hummmm......
 

Nancy M. (201)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 1:27 pm
LOL Jae. Glad someone enjoyed my comment.
 

Kit B. (277)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 1:30 pm

When it begins with I did not....you just know something is up, so Nancy want to explain yourself?

How many emails have you delete since this story broke?
 

Nancy M. (201)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 1:31 pm
I am guessing that it was 18 minutes wroth of emails.
 

Kit B. (277)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 1:42 pm

Sure Nancy, give away the plot of the story - from now on you are labeled as SPOILER ALERT.
 

Nancy M. (201)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 1:51 pm
And I did not send email to Rosemary Woods either.
 

Yvonne White (231)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 4:07 pm
OMG..I'm pretty sure I signed petitions against Petraeus & ranted on the phone to friends & family..must remember to dump my cc'd copies of shirtless FBI agents...and the letters from Agent "Magic Mike", though I suspect he's NOT with the CIA since he's too Transparent ..
 

cecily w. (0)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 4:33 pm
Thank you for publishing this. I flew over Tampa, and since this thing has broke I've been wondering . . .
 

Ximena Jaramillo (14)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 8:10 pm
Thanks for the laugh
 

Jae A. (323)
Thursday November 15, 2012, 11:26 pm
How come I didn't receive any of the shirtless FBI agents photos...after all...I do email....this is a clear cut cases of bias/discriminatory I think. Everyone in my office i five minutes !!
 

Gloria picchetti (287)
Friday November 16, 2012, 12:44 am
You gotta love hin!
"Defense Secretary Leon Panetta said today that he expected the Petraeus scandal to wind down by early 2015 but would not commit to an official timetable."
 

Yvonne White (231)
Friday November 16, 2012, 2:06 pm
Jae, I am afraid your Inbox was full & my duly forwarded pics were returned to sender!;)
 

Lois Jordan (55)
Friday November 16, 2012, 2:36 pm
Good one, Kit! LOL. I'll have to put that 2015 date on my calendar, but the way things usually go, I'm sure that date will be extended....so many e.mails, so little time....
 

Mary Donnelly (47)
Friday November 16, 2012, 3:00 pm
Thanks Kit--great joke. I hope not too many people take it seriously.
 

Bette-Ann Libin (11)
Friday November 16, 2012, 7:47 pm
Darn...I knew I should have deleted thousands upon thousands of old e-mails!
 

Cynthia Davis (340)
Saturday November 17, 2012, 7:18 am
I never meet the man ......I swear. Never e-mailed or talked on the phone either. Who were we talking about?
 
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