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Al Qaeda Disbands; Says Job of Destroying U.S. Economy Now in Congress's Hands -- Andy Borowitiz

Society & Culture  (tags: abuse, americans, culture, dishonesty, Fiscal Cliff, republicans, politics )

- 1943 days ago -
"As terrorists, every now and then you have to step back and admire when someone else has beaten you at your own game," he said. "This is one of those times." ***HUMOR***

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Kit B (276)
Friday December 28, 2012, 2:39 pm
(Photograph by Scott J. Ferrell/Congressional Quarterly/Getty.)

The international terror group known as Al Qaeda announced its dissolution today, saying that “our mission of destroying the American economy is now in the capable hands of the U.S. Congress.”

In an official statement published on the group’s website, the current leader of Al Qaeda said that Congress’s conduct during the so-called “fiscal-cliff” showdown convinced the terrorists that they had been outdone.

“We’ve been working overtime trying to come up with ways to terrorize the American people and wreck their economy,” said the statement from Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri. “But even we couldn’t come up with something like this.”

Mr. al-Zawhiri said that the idea of holding the entire nation hostage with a clock ticking down to the end of the year “is completely insane and worthy of a Bond villain.”

“As terrorists, every now and then you have to step back and admire when someone else has beaten you at your own game,” he said. “This is one of those times.”

The Al Qaeda leader was fulsome in his praise for congressional leaders, saying, “We have made many scary videos in our time but none of them were as terrifying as Mitch McConnell.”

As for the future of Al Qaeda, the statement said that it would no longer be a terror network but would become “more of a social network,” offering reviews of new music, movies and video games.

In its first movie review, Al Qaeda gave the film “Zero Dark Thirty” two thumbs down.

By Andy Borowitiz | The New Yorker Magazine |


Roseann d (178)
Friday December 28, 2012, 2:44 pm
Sadly, it's pretty accurate.

Cam V (417)
Friday December 28, 2012, 3:00 pm
This is a ridiculus story Kit. Al Queda is on the rise. It is not them who are trying to destroy America financially. It is China and they are doing a pretty good job of it with your spender in chief there. Obama is bent on bankrupting America and turning you all into takers.

Kit B (276)
Friday December 28, 2012, 3:08 pm

What part of HUMOR do you not understand, Cam? The letters or the concept?

Roseann d (178)
Friday December 28, 2012, 3:21 pm
They certainly are earning their title as Teahadists.

Roseann d (178)
Friday December 28, 2012, 3:21 pm
The GOP is all Tea Party now.

Kit B (276)
Friday December 28, 2012, 3:58 pm

Nah, the tea party is not radical enough for them.

Angelika R (143)
Friday December 28, 2012, 4:41 pm
LOL, ...letters PLUS concept. You got to agree with Andy...

JL A (281)
Friday December 28, 2012, 5:32 pm
The sad thing is Mitch & company (AKA GOP) are sadly true to this satirical many former US statesmen are turning over in their graves now? Thanks Kit--laughs and tears from AB per usual.

SĂĽheyla C (234)
Friday December 28, 2012, 9:54 pm
Thanks Kit for sharing

Karen S (106)
Saturday December 29, 2012, 5:22 am
Ha haaaaaaaaaaaaa

Nancy M (197)
Saturday December 29, 2012, 8:26 am
As much as I appreciate the humor, it does kidn of remind me of all those nutjob conspiracies out there. Like "W" causing 9/11. LOL. Thanks Kit and nice to see you back!

lee e (114)
Saturday December 29, 2012, 9:12 am
I was saying this before the country was held hostage the first time - the GOP is more dangerous to this country than any "terrorist" group thus far, with the exception of the NRA - I'm sure with the coalition of these 2 groups we can assure the destruction of what once was a pretty ok country -- a great experiment - that failed -- it was begun with greed and murder in the name of some god or other - seems to be ending the same way!
Thanks Kit - but the humor escapes me due to the reality of the sittuation!

Kit B (276)
Saturday December 29, 2012, 1:21 pm

Yes, but the humor from satire is the ability to discern that truth often contains a bit of humor. Currently the Goats Of Past (aka the GOP) are more reminiscent of the old saying, "chickens running about without their heads" than that of calculating terrorists. Though the tactics are causing a great deal of terror for those who will be affected by this stratagem . Shame on all of them. This is not about fiscal responsibility, this the same old bully maneuvers angling for some political advantage to the cost of the those most in need of honest policy.

Nancy M (197)
Saturday December 29, 2012, 3:14 pm
I love the Goats of Past.

Yvonne White (229)
Saturday December 29, 2012, 5:03 pm
Too true. Bu$h Leaguer$ bankrupted America, Al Qaeda is nothing compared to our own home-grown Terrorists! The Politicians may SEEM to be too stupid to be dangerous, but every one of them have voices of puppeteers in their heads & those masters are extremely dangerous to average Americans! Bank$ters & PAC-men, & Big Corps, oh my!!!

Yvonne White (229)
Saturday December 29, 2012, 5:07 pm
Somebody watchs too much FAUX TV!;) Re-run the RebuliCON meme...and arm your Manger scene!;)

Lynn Squance (235)
Saturday December 29, 2012, 11:05 pm
Hey Kit --- spell the word like HUMOUR with the second 'U' and maybe Cam will get it! You know we Canadians!

Great find Kit. Borowitz is so funny, but within that humour is a lot of truth! When you have a homegrown terrorist group like the GOP, who needs Al-Qaeda?

The GOP is not fiscally responsible. It is a group of ideologues who think that ideology trumps all else. Well when the people are pounding on their doors because they can't eat ideology, what will the GOP do then?

jan b (5)
Sunday December 30, 2012, 2:48 am
This article might have been written from the printing of one of OBLadin's speeches


"This is in addition to our having experience in using guerrilla warfare and the war of attrition to fight tyrannical superpowers, as we, alongside the mujahedin, bled Russia for ten years, until it went bankrupt and was forced to withdraw in defeat... So we are continuing this policy in bleeding America to the point of bankruptcy."

"All that we have to do is to send two mujahedin to the furthest point East to raise a piece of cloth on which is written al-Qaeda, in order to make the generals race there to cause America to suffer human, economic, and political losses without their achieving for it anything of note other than some benefits for their private companies.

Osama thought it was funny that his interests and Bush's converged so closely:

"Rather, the policy of the White House that demands the opening of war fronts to keep busy their various corporations – whether they be working in the field of arms or oil or reconstruction – has helped al-Qaeda to achieve these enormous results.

"And so it has appeared to some analysts and diplomats that the White House and us are playing as one team toward the economic goals of the United States, even if the intentions differ."

Past Member (0)
Sunday December 30, 2012, 3:24 am
They couldn't have left the job in better hands.

The downfall of the west is nigh.

Gloria picchetti (304)
Sunday December 30, 2012, 7:16 am
Andy? You gotta love him! I friended him on FB. Everyday it's a new gem from him!

faith v (16)
Sunday December 30, 2012, 12:33 pm
Borowitz at his best, thankyou for posting.

Ann Breeden (65)
Sunday December 30, 2012, 3:23 pm
Thanks for posting. A bit of truth in this I'm afraid.

Lois Jordan (63)
Sunday December 30, 2012, 4:32 pm
Noted. Oh, the irony! And, true as well.

Jae A (316)
Sunday December 30, 2012, 5:57 pm
OMGosh...what can I say other than , what a great read...all the elements were there for a great movie in fact..IMO...or at least worthy of becoming a network sitcom...with many truths between the laughs/smile/tears :-).
I give it...a two thumbs up !

Herbert E (10)
Monday December 31, 2012, 3:14 am
With a debt of 16'000 billions, yes, sixteenthousand billions, the end might be near. Other countries with a couple billions debt are sent to the trash bin. Where goes the money anyway ? Contrary to water, it always flows upwards, to disappear in some mysterious places, never to be seen again.

Russell R (2)
Monday December 31, 2012, 6:37 pm
Congress should be reading this right now!!

Kit B (276)
Monday December 31, 2012, 7:03 pm

Sorry Russell our Congress does not bother reading, bickering is so much fun.

pam w (139)
Tuesday January 1, 2013, 4:55 pm
Lynn Squance says "When you have a homegrown terrorist group like the GOP, who needs Al Quaida?"

++++++++++++++ RIGHT! all fairness.....the GOP has MUCH more fashion sense! Honestly...those tacky old burkhas! And smelly turbans! UGH!

Give us style LEADERS like Ann Coulter & Sarah you-know-who.....

Gene J (290)
Wednesday January 2, 2013, 12:24 pm
"The Al Qaeda leader was fulsome in his praise for congressional leaders, saying, “We have made many scary videos in our time but none of them were as terrifying as Mitch McConnell.”

Tried but could not find anything to disagree with. This fiscal cliff was just the beginning of a new year with all the phony battles to be fought all over again, albeit with a slightly changed cast of characters. Sigh.
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