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Republicans Apologize to Top 1.5 Per Cent -- Andy Borowitz

Society & Culture  (tags: Americans, Congress, Fiscal Cliff, Humor, government, news, politics, society )

- 1969 days ago -
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) assailed the fiscal-cliff legislation today, calling it "a classic example of putting 98.5 per cent of the American people ahead of the rest of the country."

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Kit B (276)
Wednesday January 2, 2013, 9:15 pm
(Photograph by Mark Peterson/Redux.)

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the aftermath of the fiscal-cliff deal, Republicans in Congress issued a heartfelt apology to the top 1.5 per cent richest people in America, offering “messages of profound condolence” for allowing their taxes to increase slightly.

“Our hearts go out to them,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), still teary-eyed after hanging up the phone with a multimillionaire in Orange County, California. “We came to Washington to do the work of 1.5 per cent of the American people, and we didn’t get it done.”

The House Speaker said that he had spoken to several members of the top 1.5 per cent who were “understandably despondent” over seeing their taxes rise marginally as a result of the deal: “Some of them were so upset they even considered moving to Canada, until they found out the taxes were higher there.”

Mr. Boehner said that he tried to offer the wealthy consolation by reminding them that because of an increase in payroll taxes, millions of middle-class and working-class Americans would be suffering more than they would: “That usually put them in a better mood.”

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) assailed the fiscal-cliff legislation today, calling it “a classic example of putting 98.5 per cent of the American people ahead of the rest of the country.”

Offering words of hope to the top 1.5 per cent, Mr. Cantor said, “In a few months we’ll have the next debate about the debt ceiling. As God is my witness, we will try to do a better job of bringing this nation to the brink of Armageddon.”

But to billionaires such as Harland Dorrinson, a longtime super-donor to the G.O.P., such assurances ring hollow: “If the fiscal-cliff deal is the kind of performance we can expect from Republican politicians, what’s the point of owning them?

By: Andy Borowitz | The New Yorker Magazine |

Vance Daddi (65)
Thursday January 3, 2013, 2:39 am
I would like to buy Boehner, Cantor, and company for what they are worth, and sell them for what they think they're worth...I could live fat.

Jelica R (144)
Thursday January 3, 2013, 9:21 am
Isn't it good to know that Boehner was able to comfort super-rich, by telling them that the rest of Americans will have it harsher? His hearth of gold will always feel for his fellow super-rich Americans.
** With tears in my eyes I can not put a longer comment here... **

Carrie B (306)
Thursday January 3, 2013, 12:40 pm
Kit, I hope you don't mind, but I just made this comment on one of my posts and think it might be worth sharing here.

At least they didn't vote their own raise in yet, but they will and that is truly an abomination. Right now our illustrious house members make $174,000 a year. They will give themselves a pay raise which will bring their salaries to $174,900 a year.

Lets' take a moment to do a little math. The 2013 congressional calendar shows they will be working a whopping 126 days! Wow, isn't that a grueling schedule? Now, at present the average hourly wage in the US is $23.63. That's the average - think about the majority of people making much less than that.

Now just suppose we pay congress $23.63 an hour for 126 8 hour days. That would be $23,819 a year per member. Meaning we would be saving $151,081 per member. You can finish this little math game without much effort.

I was being conservative with their present salaries. In actuality they receive much more. It is worth noting that while our senate is functioning at a much higher level. Pay for both houses is the same.


As of January 2011, the annual salary for most United States senators was $174,000, a number that has been the same since January 1, 2009, according to the Congressional Research Service. The pay rate is frozen for 2011 and 2012, though it is possible the salary will increase after 2012. From January 2003 to January 2011, senators saw an increase of $19,300 in annual pay. The president pro tempore of the Senate and the majority and minority leaders for the Senate received an annual salary of $193,400 as of January 2011 -- an increase of $21,500 from January 2003 to January 2011.

Tax Deductions and Benefits
Members of the United States senate may deduct up to $3,000 annually for living expenses while away from their home states as of January 2011. In addition to their annual salaries, United States senators may enroll in the Federal Employees Health Benefits Program and select a health plan if they choose. They may also enroll in the Federal Employees Group Life Insurance Program, under which they pay a fee dependent on how much coverage they select. Senators must contribute to Social Security, and they can choose among different retirement programs under the Civil Service Retirement System and the Federal Employees Retirement System.

Senators receive an administrative and clerical allowance, a legislative assistance allowance and an official office expense allowance. All three of these allowances are combined in the Senator's Official Personnel and Office Expense Account (SOPOEA). The total amount depends on the senator's state population, but the average amount was $3,343,867 as of January 2011. This money goes to pay for office expenses, legislative assistants and other aspects pertaining to official Senate business. Senators are given additional allowances for office space in their home states, mobile office space, and furniture, furnishings and office equipment in both their Washington, D.C., offices and the offices in their home states.


United States senators are restricted in the amount of money they can make as outside income while serving in the Senate. As of January 2011, senators were limited to 15 percent of their base annual salary as outside income. Senators may not receive compensation for certain activities, including allowing a corporation, firm, partnership or association to use their names or practicing any profession that involves a fiduciary relationship, meaning holding assets for an individual or company, without approval of the Senate Select Committee on Ethics. Senators have been prohibited from receiving honoraria, monetary compensation for volunteer services or other services that are typically free, since Aug. 14, 1991.

The salaries of senators are identical those of members of the House of Representatives. The last year in which senators and members of the House of Representatives did not have the same salary was 1991, when members of the House earned $125,100 per year and senators made $101,900.


Three members of both the Senate and the House of Representative earn more than the rest of their colleagues. A salary of $193,400 per year is paid to those senators and representatives who serve as the Senate majority and minority leaders, the majority and minority leaders of the House of Representatives, and as the president pro tempore of the Senate. The speaker of the House of Representatives is the highest-paid member of Congress, with an annual salary of $223,500."

Read more: The Average Salary of a United States Representative |

Kit B (276)
Thursday January 3, 2013, 12:57 pm

Congress defined as the east end of a horse moving west. More unpopular than bringing communism to the US, now that is a popularity gap. Thanks Carrie - It is worth our attention to see how much they are paid and just how little they do. Unlike most they are very richly rewarded beyond that salary, and vacations....theirs are paid in full by lobbies.

Elizabeth Fuller (134)
Friday January 4, 2013, 12:47 pm
Wow...ohhhh the poor 1.5 percent...thank GOD the taxes are higher here in Canada, I wouldn't want them up here, they are nothing but a bunch of spoiled brats, and to think that they were consoled by saying that the rest will suffer more to make them feel better??? They have no souls and are dead for Boehner...I hope he actually drowns in his own sorrows...literally. My God...republicans make me sick! Thanks Kit :)

Mary Donnelly (47)
Friday January 4, 2013, 2:00 pm
Thanks Kit.

When I began reading this post and comments I thought they were jokes; apparently they are not. How unfortunate!

Debra Van Way (12)
Friday January 4, 2013, 3:10 pm
Ah, Andy always nails it with humor and sadly way too much truth. I suspect that is exactly how some of the republicans truly feel-especially the "owned" ones. I still want to know why they (all of them including democrats, etc.) deserved a raise for being the poorest excuse of representatives in the country. I am embarassed by all of them. Most of the time I felt they all needed a "time out" standing a corner somewhere because they sure acted like spoiled fit throwing brats most of the time.

Shelly P (5)
Saturday January 5, 2013, 9:13 am
Ummm... What ever happend to 'BY the people, FOR the people, OF the people..." I don't remember it as "1.5% by the people, 1.5% for the people, 1.5% of the people...

John D (47)
Saturday January 5, 2013, 1:34 pm
The sad reality is some of the repubes probably feel that way...

Donna W (0)
Saturday January 5, 2013, 1:56 pm
Has Mr. Cantor never heard of "majority rule"?? He's so out of touch with the people "outside the beltway" that he might as well live on another planet.

Robert Tomlinson (62)
Saturday January 5, 2013, 4:11 pm
Why am I not surprised?

marie C (163)
Saturday January 5, 2013, 4:16 pm
Thanks Kit

Angelika R (143)
Saturday January 5, 2013, 4:16 pm
Amen, Andy and thx Kit, good one. I have some more hope to offer to the grief strucken : get a Russian passport!
(as we learned they only charge 13% for the top income)

Donna W (0)
Sunday January 6, 2013, 10:15 am
You know, at the end of the article, it's marked "humor". It was all a joke. I believed it, which is a sad commentary on those republicans in the house of representatives though.

David Menard (43)
Sunday January 6, 2013, 11:56 am
No surprise the repug,plutocrat,corporate,theo-fascist pigs would apologize to their masters like a dog who just shit on the Persian rug.They could not care less about serving who they are supposed to the American people.
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