Start A Petition

Scientists Recommend Having Earth Put Down~~ ONION NEWS!

Society & Culture  (tags: americans, culture, Humor, Satire, society )

- 1719 days ago -
Claiming that it is the humane thing to do, and that the planet is "just going to suffer" if kept alive any longer, members of the world's scientific community recommended today that Earth be put down. ***HUMOR***ONION NEWS***

Select names from your address book   |   Help

We hate spam. We do not sell or share the email addresses you provide.


Kit B (276)
Tuesday October 8, 2013, 11:41 am
Photo Credit: Blue Marble - NASA and Onion News

FORT COLLINS, CO—Claiming that it is the humane thing to do, and that the planet is “just going to suffer” if kept alive any longer, members of the world’s scientific community recommended today that Earth be put down.

“We realize this isn’t the easiest thing to hear, but we’ve run a number of tests and unfortunately there’s really nothing more we can do for Earth at this point,” said leading climatologist Dr. Robert Wyche of Colorado State University’s Department of Atmospheric Science. “Earth’s ecosystems have hung in there for a while, and you have to hand it to the old gal for staying alive this long, but at this point the chances of a recovery are, I’m sorry to say, incredibly unlikely. It might be time to say goodbye.”

“Earth is in a lot of pain, folks,” Wyche continued. “Time to think about sending it off peacefully, for its own sake.”

While admitting that the prospect of saying goodbye to the terrestrial planet is very difficult, Wyche explained to reporters that letting nature take its course would only prolong the inevitable. Wyche also stressed that if Earth is not put down, humanity would ultimately be responsible for its continuing care, which would be “increasingly difficult as time goes on.”

Scientists reportedly also made several heartfelt assurances that the procedure would be quick and virtually painless.

“We understand that you’ve all become very attached to Earth over the years, and it’s hard to let go of something you love like this, but the fact is that no matter what, it simply won’t be able to keep going for much longer,” said Wyche, adding that there would be no guarantees regarding Earth’s already substandard quality of life if it is not put down in the immediate future. “Look, at the end of the day, Earth is 4.5 billion years old and had a great life. The last thing you want to do is wait and draw this difficult ordeal out any further.”

“Granted, this is a very tough decision, so if you need more time to think about it or discuss it amongst yourselves, that’s totally understandable,” Wyche added. “But just be aware that the longer you wait, the more pain Earth will ultimately endure.”

Reportedly sensing some hesitancy on the part of humanity, Wyche then reiterated that very little can be done to prevent or counteract the myriad of maladies currently plaguing Earth, and that putting down the planet would in fact be the caring thing to do at this juncture.

“To be honest, there is a chance that had we taken more drastic steps earlier, Earth would have been able to survive for longer—much, much longer, even,” Wyche said. “But unfortunately, that is now a moot point. Right now, you should just cherish the good times you and Earth had together and give it a gentle and merciful send-off.”

“It’s your choice, though,” Wyche added. “So, you know, take your time.”

At press time, scientists had given humanity a few private moments to say goodbye before finally putting Earth out of its misery.

Onion News Staff | Onion News Network |

David C (25)
Tuesday October 8, 2013, 12:35 pm
Oh, these scientists -- as always, they're limping decades behind the rest of humanity. For hasn't humankind been doing it's very best --running at 111% of capacity, at least-- to finish off Eaarth as fast as we possibly can ?

Arielle S (313)
Tuesday October 8, 2013, 1:33 pm
Yeah.... well, I usually laugh at these but this one makes me sad because we are trying to kill her off as quick as we can....(and I'm adding "theft of sense of humor" to my list of things to sue the Repugs for)

David C (129)
Tuesday October 8, 2013, 1:53 pm
we maybe doing this especially if the Koch Killers and other Big POLlutIon get their way

Kit B (276)
Tuesday October 8, 2013, 2:25 pm

I heard a woman talking about how she thanks the Kochs for letting people know the truth. I choked and just shook my head in disbelief, in what world of fantasy do these people live?

The world will just shake us off like some pesky fleas, it will go on very well without the human pestilence.

Nancy M (169)
Tuesday October 8, 2013, 2:41 pm
Oh yeah.... ever so slowly. LOL

Kathleen R (192)
Tuesday October 8, 2013, 3:09 pm
Kit, there are a few climate change deniers that I would like to "put down" so to speak. I'd do it painlessly if that counts. lol Thanks.

Angelika R (143)
Tuesday October 8, 2013, 3:22 pm
No recommendation needed for that...enough humans are already doing the job ..

JL A (281)
Tuesday October 8, 2013, 3:32 pm
Dark humor indeed.

Lindsey O (19)
Tuesday October 8, 2013, 4:05 pm
Thanks for the humor in my day, Miss Kit.

Sad that you have to emphasize that it's not serious to keep the sillies from actually thinking it's real.....

Fiona Ogilvie (565)
Tuesday October 8, 2013, 4:23 pm
The Onion just gets better and better. Thanks, Miss Kitty.

Bryna Pizzo (139)
Tuesday October 8, 2013, 5:37 pm
This would be hysterical if we weren't destroying the planet and ultimately all life.

Janice P (5)
Tuesday October 8, 2013, 6:40 pm
Very clever.

Tuesday October 8, 2013, 8:15 pm
Well okay then, thanks Kit!

Robert Hardy (68)
Tuesday October 8, 2013, 8:58 pm
I know it is a joke but maybe there is a realistic point here.

Laurie H (817)
Tuesday October 8, 2013, 9:18 pm
'HUMANOIDS" have been working on their elaborate plan for centuries, to destroy the very home they live in!! Thanks so much Kit for this great, much needed, distraction!!! LOL!!!~~~xoxo~

Joanne Dixon (38)
Tuesday October 8, 2013, 10:18 pm
Fascinating that they "dateline" this from CSU, Fort Collins, a school known for its veterinary medicine program. Clearly they (the Onion) is encouraging interdisciplinary sharing of concepts. Priceless.

Barbara Tomlinson (431)
Wednesday October 9, 2013, 3:31 am
This is very cute; but, we Humans are very egotistical to think that Earth will end when WE end!
Heard on the Tom Hartman show today, that scientists have found the reasons for the Five Mass Extinctions of species - when the MAJORITY of species then living on Earth died - including the Mass Extinction that ended the rule of the Dinosaurs. What did in the Dinosaurs was an Asteroid crashing to Earth; but OTHER extinctions happened, when Global Warming WARMED UP THE OCEANS and melted the frozen Methane at the bottom of the Oceans. These Global Warmings were caused by volcanic activity that brought up carbons into the atmosphere, i.e. Greenhouse Gasses. The species first to suffer, were the large predators at the top of the food chains - namely, those most like US. We are now headed for the Sixth great Mass Extinction...

But Life will go on... just not Life As We Know It. Future creatures will be comfortably adjusted to the Heat, like those great worms that live near ocean "hot spots". They will THRIVE on what we call "Pollution"; and find the Radiation that is deadly to us, an integral part of their DNA...

Jonathan Harper (0)
Wednesday October 9, 2013, 4:42 am

Dogan Ozkan (5)
Wednesday October 9, 2013, 5:08 am

. (0)
Wednesday October 9, 2013, 6:25 am
Very dark humor. Thanks for sharing, Kit.

. (0)
Wednesday October 9, 2013, 6:42 am
Sooner or later there has to be a reduction in the human population. We are fast approaching critical mass. Unlike the 1% I believe we should start at the top and work our way down and not the other way around. I will happily leave when it is my time.

pam w (139)
Wednesday October 9, 2013, 9:19 am
And none of us should feel anything other than GUILT for the millions of animals we're taking along with us.

Theodore Shayne (56)
Wednesday October 9, 2013, 10:15 am
Mamma has a viral parasitical infection that is called humanity.

Ben O (150)
Wednesday October 9, 2013, 11:06 am
Right; -Let's find another Planet that we can live on!

Kit B (276)
Wednesday October 9, 2013, 11:13 am

Yeah, another planet to foul - I don't think so.

Rose B (141)
Wednesday October 9, 2013, 5:20 pm
Thanks again Kit

Judy C (97)
Thursday October 10, 2013, 1:38 pm
I've always suspected that we humans ourselves are an invasive specie, ever ince I le If you think about it, we do tend to crowd out other species and destroy the ecosystem. Some of us are more virulent than others. Those of us who are the worst tend to exterminate those of us who are not so efficient at taking over the whole ecosystem where they reside. Thanks Kit.

Judy C (97)
Thursday October 10, 2013, 1:42 pm
What a typo! In the first sentence I meant to say, I've always suspected that we humans ourselves are an invasive species, ever since I learned about the concept of introduced or exotic species.

Sheila D (194)
Sunday October 13, 2013, 12:05 pm
This might be funny if it wasn't so close to the truth. Thanks.

Craig Pittman (52)
Monday October 14, 2013, 5:02 am
It's a case where dark humour shines a light to reveal a situation some are not yet aware of. In spite of our worst efforts though the earth will carry on long after the human invasive species has gone the way of so may other extinct species.

Past Member (0)
Wednesday October 16, 2013, 4:04 am

SuSanne P (193)
Thursday October 17, 2013, 10:26 am
Thank you Kit. I agree with others that this is clever although WE know how sad a state of affairs we live. I truly believed the world would be destroyed by Man*Woman*UN*Kind many years ago but see great progress and HOPE. Even this OLD DOG is accepting the pain and enjoying the Changes occurring." :)
Or, log in with your
Facebook account:
Please add your comment: (plain text only please. Allowable HTML: <a>)

Track Comments: Notify me with a personal message when other people comment on this story

Loading Noted By...Please Wait


butterfly credits on the news network

  • credits for vetting a newly submitted story
  • credits for vetting any other story
  • credits for leaving a comment
learn more

Most Active Today in Society & Culture

Content and comments expressed here are the opinions of Care2 users and not necessarily that of or its affiliates.

New to Care2? Start Here.