START A PETITION 27,000,000 members: the world's largest community for good

Fast-Food Industry Rejects Workers' Demand to Be Considered Human -- Andy Borowitz

Society & Culture  (tags: americans, culture, humor, satire )

- 661 days ago -
Arguing that "granting fast food workers anything beyond a grim, scraping existence would put a serious dent in our profits," ****HUMOR****

Select names from your address book   |   Help

We hate spam. We do not sell or share the email addresses you provide.


Kit B. (276)
Monday December 16, 2013, 8:23 am
Photograph by Patrick T. Fallon/Bloomberg via Getty.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a defiant statement, a spokesman for the fast-food industry today lashed out at fast-food workers’ “outrageous and unacceptable demand to be considered human beings.”

Arguing that “granting fast food workers anything beyond a grim, scraping existence would put a serious dent in our profits,” the Fast Food Restaurant Council spokesman Tracy Klugian said. “Considering our workers human would be ruinous to the fast food industry as we know it.”

But Mr. Klugian was quick to point out that the controversy was about more than money: “It’s about dignity and respect—two things this industry has zero tolerance for.”

As fast food workers mounted protests across the country, the industry spokesman urged them to abandon their “reckless quest for human status” at once.

“They have to ask themselves, why did they want to work in the fast food industry to begin with?” he said. “Anyone who walks into one of our restaurants should realize that it’s no place for humans.”

By: Andy Borowitz | The New Yorker Magazine |

Teresa W. (763)
Monday December 16, 2013, 8:25 am
I first thought it was serious...

Evelyn B. (59)
Monday December 16, 2013, 10:03 am
LOL, thanks!

Diana T. (1)
Monday December 16, 2013, 10:27 am

JL A. (287)
Monday December 16, 2013, 1:30 pm
Thanks for the double dose of AB Kit--and one could argue that animal rights legal standards are not being met by many chains.

Fiona Ogilvie (1018)
Monday December 16, 2013, 1:42 pm
Thanks, Kit. I plan to overdose on AB. Do you know that the pope's hat is supposed to resemble "a fish swallowing the pope's head." Seriously. Going to watch the AB's pope video now.

Rose Becke (295)
Monday December 16, 2013, 2:56 pm

Pat B. (357)
Monday December 16, 2013, 3:44 pm
LOL, Mr. Andy...Thanks, Kit for this.

Dytayja Cohen (3)
Tuesday December 17, 2013, 11:09 am
thank you

Bryna Pizzo (139)
Thursday December 19, 2013, 11:27 pm
I needed a Borowitz satirical laugh! Thanks, Kit!
Or, log in with your
Facebook account:
Please add your comment: (plain text only please. Allowable HTML: <a>)

Track Comments: Notify me with a personal message when other people comment on this story

Loading Noted By...Please Wait


butterfly credits on the news network

  • credits for vetting a newly submitted story
  • credits for vetting any other story
  • credits for leaving a comment
learn more

Most Active Today in Society & Culture

Content and comments expressed here are the opinions of Care2 users and not necessarily that of or its affiliates.
site feedback


Problem on this page? Briefly let us know what isn't working for you and we'll try to make it right!