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People Who Can Still Afford to Live in New York Praise Bloomberg -- Andy Borowitz

Society & Culture  (tags: americans, culture, humor, satire )

- 964 days ago -
"There are still a few pockets in the city where, regrettably, the middle class seems to be hanging on," he said. "The rent is too damn low." ***HUMOR***SATIRE****

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Kit B. (276)
Saturday January 4, 2014, 7:38 am
Photograph by Andrew Burton/Getty

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—As the curtain comes down on the Michael Bloomberg era, the three-term mayor of New York received fulsome praise last night from his most appreciative constituency: the people who can still afford to live there.

Harland Dorrinson, principal owner of the hedge fund Garrote Capital, hosted a black-tie dinner in the vault of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York to pay tribute to a mayor who, in Mr. Dorrinson’s words, “put living in New York out of the reach of everyone except the deserving few.”

“To a lot of people, Mike Bloomberg will be remembered for reducing smoking and improving people’s diets,” said Mr. Dorrinson. “But that shouldn’t overshadow his greatest accomplishment, creating unaffordable housing throughout New York.”

“When Mike took office, this city was teeming with regular working people,” Mr. Dorrinson said, shuddering at the memory. “Today, it’s a magnificent tapestry of investment bankers, real-estate developers, and Russian oligarchs.”

The hedge-fund owner is such a fan of Mr. Bloomberg’s, in fact, that he has only one bone to pick with him: that he left office too soon “to finish the job.”

“There are still a few pockets in the city where, regrettably, the middle class seems to be hanging on,” he said. “The rent is too damn low.”

As for Mr. Bloomberg’s critics, Mr. Dorrinson was philosophical: “I know there are some people who think Mike was terrible for New York, that he took a city rich with diversity and ruined it. But fortunately, they all live somewhere else now.”

By: Andy Borowitz | The New Yorker Magazine |

JL A. (282)
Saturday January 4, 2014, 9:16 am
Thanks for the on-target dose of AB Kit!

Nyack Clancy (535)
Saturday January 4, 2014, 10:30 am
3 terms was 2 terms too may.

As a New Yorker- I do want to acknowledge- that without Mr. Mike- this city may not have recovered as quickly as it did from 9/11.

Almost everything else he did, basically sucked. He hasn't lost his sense of humor, either- He was on Saturday Night Live saying he was going to enjoy his retirement on a smoke free beach with a small soda. lol

Kit B. (276)
Saturday January 4, 2014, 10:53 am

I saw that SNL skit and though funny, it was also sharp. Why not just outlaw all soda, cigarettes, sugar, fatty foods...etc..... I think many like Bloomberg take things a step too far. He did well with 9/11 and Sandy, but he has made NYC a very different place for those less than wealthy.

Theodore Shayne (56)
Saturday January 4, 2014, 11:36 am
What was his brag just recently in the papers? I'll be the richest private citizen living in NYC.

Nancy M. (197)
Saturday January 4, 2014, 12:38 pm
Not sure it was all that affordable before he was mayor, but.... Thanks for the laugh!

Nyack Clancy (535)
Saturday January 4, 2014, 12:40 pm
Yea, but to anything that has been in NYC long enough should be able to tell you, those changes began taking place during Rudy Guiliani- named Person of the Year for 2001.

Yes, it has changed a lot. Force Washington to raise the minimum wage to make NYC a better place for those less wealthy.

Nyack Clancy (535)
Saturday January 4, 2014, 12:42 pm
I meant to anybody that has been in NYC... prior to 9/11... will tell you it started BEFORE Bloomberg.

Nancy M. (197)
Saturday January 4, 2014, 12:46 pm

NYC can have a higher minimum wage- maybe it does. I don't think the state does though.

Nyack Clancy (535)
Saturday January 4, 2014, 12:52 pm
Well, then? That ought to be the first order of business for Mr. de Blasio- right after he finishes shoveling the snow off the roads.

Angelika R. (145)
Saturday January 4, 2014, 1:24 pm
Seen this before so already done my smilimg-I'd much rather PRAISE dE BLASIO ! thx anyway Kit.

Janis K. (133)
Saturday January 4, 2014, 3:17 pm
Glad to see him gone, thanks Kit

Katherine May Williams (0)
Sunday January 5, 2014, 2:37 am
It's the same (if not worse) in London these days. With house prices and rent increases making living in the city (or even the suburbs) unaffordable to anyone but the rich. This coupled with recent (and more forthcoming) reductions in state benefits (housing benefit particularly) it'll soon be the case that nobody earning less than a significant amount per year will be able to live in London at all. Who exactly the rich think are going to do all the minimum wage/service jobs when nobody but the rich can afford to live in (or commute to) the city is beyond me. Absurd.
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