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Polar Bears, Grizzlies to Merge -- Andy Borowitz

Society & Culture  (tags: americans, culture, humor, satire, society )

- 1553 days ago -
If the merger goes through, the polar bears and grizzly bears would together be able to terrorize a much larger landmass than ever before, experts said.****HUMOR****

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Kit B (276)
Saturday February 15, 2014, 7:31 pm
Photograph by Steven Mullensky/Corbis.

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In what observers are calling the largest merger ever between two species of mammal capable of mauling humans to death, polar bears and grizzly bears announced on Friday that they were joining forces in a friendly acquisition.

If the merger goes through, the polar bears and grizzly bears would together be able to terrorize a much larger landmass than ever before, experts said.

Speaking at a packed press conference in New York accompanied by their investment bankers from Goldman Sachs, the jubilant bears gave their spin on the unprecedented deal.

“To say that we’re excited would be an understatement,” said a spokesman for the grizzlies. “For years, we’ve admired the way polar bears have dismembered hikers who’ve encroached on their territory. To be on the same team with talent like that—whoa. It’s a dream come true.”

While critics of the merger have argued that it is anticompetitive, a spokesman for the polar bears disagreed.

“I think working with the grizzlies is just going to push us to savage more human flesh than ever before. Speaking for myself, I’m ready to start mauling,” he said, underscoring his point by eating a reporter.

The merger is not expected to face regulatory hurdles.

By: Andy Borowitz | The New Yorker Magazine |

Kit B (276)
Saturday February 15, 2014, 7:33 pm

Just the bear truth.

JL A (281)
Saturday February 15, 2014, 7:42 pm
Thanks for the dose of both AB and your own humor Kit! My day was unbearable before.

Kit B (276)
Saturday February 15, 2014, 7:46 pm

I knew I would have to bear down and take a few bear bones of bad jokes.

Andy has really made my day, well Andy and the best movie I haves seen in years. Go and see "Monuments Men" excellent is an inadequate word.

JL A (281)
Saturday February 15, 2014, 9:20 pm
Thanks for the recommendation--has to be better than a rerun of "The Bad News Bears."

Angelika R (143)
Sunday February 16, 2014, 1:52 pm
Well, 'Monuments Men' didn't win any BEAR here in Bearlin, It was considered a flop by the juries, sorry about that. (golden bear> Black Coal,' Thin Ice', silver bear> The Grand Budapest Hotel) If interested you may recheck the Berlinale link on my earlier post when the Film Festival started.
As for Andy, great take! Love to see that 'Pizzly" !:)

Angelika R (143)
Sunday February 16, 2014, 2:01 pm
Wonder if they would adopt the brand name "CoNNCast' unless that seems too "backwards"or inappropriate to them :-)) ;) perhaps "Pizzly Noose" would do the job as for TV broadcasting

Lois Jordan (63)
Sunday February 16, 2014, 2:23 pm
Thanks for the giggles with Borowitz, Kit. I do intend to see Monument Men. Hopefully, not too far off track: I happened to watch the movie Pleasantville (came out in 1998), a couple weeks ago...had seen it years ago, and was surprised I'd forgotten most of it. At the end, "Andy Borowitz" was listed as a Co-Producer, which caught my eye. I didn't know this...and wondered if it was the same person.

Rose Becke (141)
Sunday February 16, 2014, 4:01 pm
I needed this :) thanks Kit

. (0)
Sunday February 16, 2014, 4:43 pm
Very funny, Kit. Thanks for sharing.

Sunday February 16, 2014, 4:43 pm
I think I'm much more dangerous than any bear. At least when I'm in the kitchen, then all human food snacks are in danger, lol!

Kamia T (89)
Sunday February 16, 2014, 5:02 pm
Actually, laugh all we want, but I could totally see some predator species getting completely tired of us and fighting back. Great idea, actually. Maybe that's what it takes for us to come around to living with nature, not overrunning it.

S J (130)
Sunday February 16, 2014, 5:17 pm
I have been thinking for your joke, Kit. Thank you very much for it. I shall later consider to sign a contract with them for greater protection of our forest. I hope they may spare me!

Joanne Dixon (38)
Sunday February 16, 2014, 9:22 pm
This is the best idea for a merger I have heard in my lifetime. Both species habitat are under siege by humans and if they join together they may have a "fighting" chance of survival. I just wish they really could. If so, I do think "Grolar" sounds a bit meaner that "Pizzly."If Goldman Sachs is taking them on, you KNOW they will have some clout.

Susanne R (234)
Sunday February 16, 2014, 11:49 pm
Both grizzlies and polar bears can be found in Alaska. Sarah Palin, an avid hunter, better hope that bears don't like the taste of halfwits.

Thanks for the laugh, Kit!

Sherri G (128)
Monday February 17, 2014, 12:46 am
Andy is the best. TY Kit Noted

Alexandra G (250)
Monday February 17, 2014, 5:35 am
Thanks for the laught ::))

Past Member (0)
Monday February 17, 2014, 6:10 am
They deserve enjoying their right

Ruth C (87)
Monday February 17, 2014, 4:43 pm
Good one Kit.

cynthia l (207)
Tuesday February 18, 2014, 2:10 pm
Love this!!
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