Friday July 4, 2008, 2:10 am
Another good link:
Becoming 'parent of your parent' an emotionally wrenching process

Friday July 4, 2008, 2:18 am
I do NOT look forward to the day I and my brothers have to suggest that our feisty, 87-year-old mother stop driving. She's generally healthy and sensible about most things, BUT - even though she limits her driving to 15 or 20 miles or less and only in daylight, I can see a huge fight looming when the time comes to say, "Hey, mom, maybe you shouldn't drive anymore." Her independence is everything to her - understandable, but still...

And we have it easy compared to some. Our mother is a workaholic - she always has to be busy DOING something, but she has learned not to mow the grass or shovel the driveway herself. She still cooks and cleans her house and socializes. She goes for walks and attends church daily. Our mother even helps out her two widowed neighbors, each of whom is worse off, healthwise, than she is. We children - and her nieces and friends - visit and call often.

But what about the parents who are sickly or suffer from dementia? What average person can afford the staggering cost of 24-hour care? Who wants to put a beloved parent into anything but the best assisted living or full-time care community? But who can afford upwards of $100,00 a year to do so? Share your thoughts and stories.

Friday July 4, 2008, 2:51 am
My father was furious when they took his drivers license away. He had just bought a new care 2 weeks before and my mother didn't drive. It was very difficult to help care for my father because it meant role reversal and that was something very new to me.He suffered a stroke and later passed away in a nursing home. My mother visited him every day and I went home as often as I could. When my mother had a stroke due to a surgical mishap, I moved to Charleston and went through her rehab with her.I didn't feel the same role reversal thing with my mother because Daddy always protected her also. She finally went to my brother in Atlanta and lived in a beautiful assisted living facility until she passed away. She had lived with my sister for a couple of years. I think we all did the best we could but because I didn't have a family, I was able to be more flexible. School did keep getting in the way. I have heard horror stories about nursing homes. By the way, my father suffered from dementia toward the end of his life. All in all, I wouldn't wish them back in the condition they were in for anything in the world. They are at peace and with eachother.

Friday July 4, 2008, 3:11 am
my apologies for the typos
i just got out of breast surgery last night and i am a little tired

Friday July 4, 2008, 3:11 am
I HAVE BEEN SAOLE CARETAKER TO MY MOTHE WHI IS IN EARLY STAGES OF ALZHEIMERS FOR SIX YEARS I LEFT HOLLYWOOD JUST AS I SIGNED WITH PERSONAL MANGAEMENT ON BEVERLY HILLS FOR ACTING THREE WEEKS LATER TO TAKE CARE OF HER
MY BROTHER DOESNT AND IDINT WANT OT KNOW MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN COMPROMISED AND MY HEALTH. MY MOTHER LASO HAS THREE BACK FRACTURES NAD IS IN HORRIFIC PAIN ALL THE TIME NOTHIGN WORKS ON HER PAIN EXEPT SYNTHETIC HEROIN WHICH SHE FALLS ON . SHE IS NOT OLD BY TODAYS STANDRADS A MAJOR CANCER SURVIVOR OF ESOPHAGEAL CANCER WHOCH HAS ALMOST ZERO SURVIVLA RATE AMONGST WOMEN
CAREGIVERS ARE THE NEWEST CLASS OF THOSE WHO ARE SUICIDAL BRUNT OUT WOTH ADRENAL EXHAUSTION AND CHRONIC FATIGUE
I KNOW BECAUSE I HAVE IT FROM HIS THIS.MY MOTHER KNOWS SHE IS SLOWLY LOSING HER MIND AND FIGHTS IT WITH GREAT COURAGE AS THE HORRIFIC PAIN SHE IS IN. A SEVERLY ELEGANT INDEPENDANT WOMAN SHE REFUSES ALL HELP AND THAT HA BEN A BIG PROBLEM. I COULD GO ON FOR A LONG POST BUT I WILL NOT THE RE IS A GREAT RESPONSIBILITY AND GRACE IN TAKING CARE OF A PARENT. MY MOTHER HTREW ME OUT ONT HE STREETS OF THE CITY WHEN I WAS VERY YOUNG THE STORY ID DEADLY AND NOW I AM TAKING CARE PF THE SAME WOMAN THAT DID SO much damage to me
whatver can be done to help our parents must be done

Friday July 4, 2008, 3:14 am
Cate I see your mother is just like my mother:)
Fun ain't it:)
I wonder sometimes now if my mother should drive, but she does alright and only goes a few places close to home. I know when the day comes it's going to be my oldest sister (retired commander from the Navy) that tells her. I'm a whimp and Mary is good at commanding out orders. But I won't let her go to a nursing home unless she were to become impossible for me to handle.
(beating me up type thing) She's already informed me she never wants to go to one.

Friday July 4, 2008, 3:29 am
Oh did I mention that our generation is the lucky generation that gets to do it all. I'm also raising my granddaughter. My only complaint is where did the years go:)

Friday July 4, 2008, 3:39 am
Noted. My both parents are dead. But a dear old friend, that passed away a few months ago. Didn't want to give up her licence. Her family suggested it to her. NO was the answer. I asked her how she would feel if she caused an accident & the other person died. Maybe someone with small children. She thought about it for a week, we talked again. She gave her licence up because she didn't want to hurt others. Not because she was to old to drive. Just a thought. Good luck. Oh my Mother-in-law stopped for the same reason.

Friday July 4, 2008, 3:47 am
Did your parents complain when they had too look after you, clean up after you etc etc etc and did their best to get you where you are today. I thank God that I do not have children who can't wait to dump me in a nursing/old people's home. If I and my husband should ever feel the need to go to one of those place, we can do that ourselves and not be dumped there like some useless unwanted trash by a bunch of ungratefull children. I will be 70 next birthday, had 4 minor strokes, insulin dependent diabetese and am in remission from MS, yet I still work full-time and drive every day and even interstate. By "you" I mean the "universal you" not specifically the people who have posted here.

Friday July 4, 2008, 4:00 am
I don't think the majority of people want to "dump" their parents anywhere. But it is unrealistic to think that every child of an elder parent is financially, emotionally or medically equipped to care for a severely impaired elderly parent.

Most of today's households have 2 working adults out of necessity, if not by choice. Most of today's households cannot get by on one average working person's salary if they have children - or even if they don't. But who will be the one to get up for the 2nd or 3rd time in the middle of the night if a parent with dementia begins wandering around the house, or soils the bed? Who will be the one to quit work to stay at home with a parent who cannot be left on their own to perform the simplest day-to-day functions - dressing, eating, walking to the bathroom, etc.?

I don't think it is possible for many people to do that and then carry on at a job every day. In extreme cases, assisted living or a nursing home will be the only real solution...and I am sure most people who help place their elderly parent(s) in such a place feel guilty 24-7.

Friday July 4, 2008, 4:04 am
What does this situation tell you about the state of health care in America?

It tells me that with people living longer, there MUST be some Medicare coverage adjustment to allow for home health care for those elderly who can still stay at home but need some help if they are alone.

There would be no need to place people who may be somewhat immobile or frail but not severely impaired in nursing homes - and I know I would never wish to be in one! - if our government recognized the realities of life today and ACTED IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OUR SENIORS AND FAMILIES!

Friday July 4, 2008, 4:53 am
My father is 88 years old and still gets around pretty good. He doesn't drive anymore, doesn't want to. So I drive him wherever he needs to go. I live next to him, so that helps alot. I think staying active helps so much. That is why your Mom is doing good Cate. And why my father is too. But there are days he acts like a kid. Thanks for this informative article Cate.

Friday July 4, 2008, 4:58 am
I just spent the day at an outpatient facility while my 86 yo Mother had rotator cuff surgery. Then fought with my Father re: driving 'home' ~ he has had numerous small strokes & still insists on driviing tho he falls asleep at the wheel & loses concentration. By 8 PM, after a 15 hour day, I was able to come home to take my own pain pills after getting Mom set up on ice & meds in her room; I am permanently disabled AND spent all last year undergoing surgery and chemo. The spirit is willing & wants to DO this, but as I found out yesterday, I am not up to the day to day task of caregiving :(

Friday July 4, 2008, 5:35 am
I've been a careworker and it's very hard work, emotionally and physically. The most upsetting day was Christmas day, no-one else wanted to work so I did everyone's visits but for some of the old people, I was the only person they saw that day and because I had so many of them to see I couldn't even spend very long with them.
I didn't live close enough to my Gran to help her as her health/memory failed, I won't make the same mistake with my Mum.

Friday July 4, 2008, 5:36 am
I TOOK MY DADS KEYS AWAY AT A TIME I KNEW HE WAS NO LONGER SAFE ON THE ROAD ,IF HE HAD LIVED HE WOULD HAVE BEEN 101 NOW

Friday July 4, 2008, 5:54 am
Noted. This is a very important story and one that is difficult for people to discuss lest they seem callous to those who suffer this cruel disease. My dear mother, who suffered Alzheimers cruel effects, passed away on June 16th. My sister's slender shoulders carried an enormous weight even though we were able to have her lovingly housed in an Alzheimer's unit and her needs understood and met. She chose a happy period in her younger days and that is where she 'lived'--and we were grateful for it though that meant we did not exist as her children to her. We were, however, her friends and that carried us through. She seemed to recognize that we were all with her those final days at the hospice where she had to be moved after sustaining both a massive coronary and equally devastating stroke. We could hold her, talk with her, cherish her, tell jokes and sing to her as she had to us many years ago. The vibrant Mother we knew went away years ago and we have been saddened at all the events in our lives which she did not understand. We never talked down to mother, never used a special voice with which to address her, never tried to force her to recall things because she would become visibly upset when a memory seemed to be just beyond her reach. Many of her caregivers attended the visitation for mother....they shed tears of loss and wonderful stories; many had captured her voice and images on their cell phones and brought them along so we might transfer them to ours. I am forever indebted to these wonderful people and, most especially, to my sister, Marian, and her immediate family who cared and gave so very much.

Thank you, Cate, for providing a forum for these words. This is an enormous topic that needs desperately to be on the table for national study and conversation.

Friday July 4, 2008, 6:37 am
Hi all, looking after aging or sick parents, children or siblings who have mental/emotional problems and/or drug problems appear to be more of a problem for our generation...baby boomers. I am concerned about processed food, additives and the medications that are rammed down our throats today that are “safe”.Many of our parents are living longer, many of us will too, but from what I am reading, due to the factors like, too much sugar, lack of exercise and generally not watching our health and diets,drugs, our children and grandchildren may die before us. As a child from out in the country, there are so many complaints, disease and sickness that we never saw, let alone heard of. It makes you wonder, what makes so much of a difference from now to then......

However when aged care, or health are mentioned, the $$$$$$ signs go whizzing down the gurgler.
If we were to form co-operatives, build our own retirement facilities, employ the necessary staff,and keep out the get rich quick ripoff merchants, we may have some dignity and security in our senior years.
There seems more protection and help these days for the big multi-national companies, and their shareholders, than there is for the sick, old and infirm......It used to be said, that a country was judged by how they cared for the old, sick or those who were not able to work. Trouble is our countries are run by the unelected deep governments.....and we do not count any more....as long as we don't cause trouble.
This is a another good subject Cate, makes us think about the inevitable, even plan a bit more... being a Vietnam Veteran, I have some extra entitlements here, that will help in this area. Plus up in North Queensland there are some Veterans who have been given an old cattle station, so I may even go and build a home up there...watch the the kangaroos and birds drinking at the waterhole at nightfall, and the beautiful unpolluted sunsets each evening....but I still have too much living to do yet......
I see there are many people here with good hearts....caring and worrying about their aging parents...it is a shame our governments don't reflect the wishes of the citizens...paticularly in aged care and health....

Friday July 4, 2008, 8:09 am
I can relate.
Been there with my mother-Dementia-
and there again with my mother in law for the last 5 years. Anybody have an agency or list, book etc. that is helpful?

Friday July 4, 2008, 8:46 am
My dear mother will be 92 in August. She was always an extremely active person, doing and caring for others -- both her family and her friends. No longer. In the past 8 years, she's taken a couple of bad falls. The first time, both of her wrists were badly fractured. She spent many weeks in a nursing home, but with her strong will, she fully recovered and was able to return to independent living -- including driving her car. In March of this year, she took another bad tumble in her apartment. This time, after a few days in the hospital and a short stay in a nursing home for rehab and therapy, she once again was able to go back to her own apartment. (Thank God, in May, I did manage to convince her to give up her car.) Sadly, Mom's not "bouncing back" this time. She's using a walker now. Her doctor has suggested going to a wheelchair. She could also be facing hip replacement surgery. Making this situation even more difficult for me -- I live in Indiana, and Mom's in Illinois. Of course I make frequent trips over there and stay with her for several days each time. I'm worrying, wondering how much longer she'll be able to live in her apartment. I see her declining, slipping rapidly. If/when it comes to the point when she needs nursing home care for the remainder of her life, I want her near me. She'll not willingly and easily agree to the idea of being moved to Indiana. She's lived in Illinois all of her life. Of course I want her to be where she'll be happy. But, I also want her close to me where I can check on her daily. I NEED her close to me. I went to Illinois last Sunday. I just returned home yesterday. I am exhausted -- physically and emotionally drained....

Friday July 4, 2008, 8:52 am
Bless you for this Cate-Soooooooo needed- I also care for an aging Mother who is getting to that poinrt and right now will not let me help her and short of going to court and taking over there is not much I can do when she refuses all help I give her- working on an alternative solution- Sopia -Feel With Ya- been close to there. Blessings

Friday July 4, 2008, 8:52 am
I used to think about this often when my mom was alive. I am an only child and knew the full burden would be on me. Well, the powers that be (God) saw fit to take her one morning w/out warning, w/out sickness...she woke up had a heart attack and was dead within an hour and a half. So I didn't experience want many people are describing here but my hat is off to those who have to be the caretaker. It is a never ending job, I have an acquaintance who cares for her mother and her father, and her mother is so far gone w/dementia and alzhimers she is a handful all by herself, diapers, etc. I also wonder too, what my children will do? My oldest son don't even help me now, wonder what the future holds. I am going to send him this link...I hope it makes him think. Good job Cate, as always.

Friday July 4, 2008, 1:10 pm
My father died 4 years ago,at the age of 89.Mentally he was perfectly ok till the day he died,but physically his health was getting weaker the last 3 years of his life.Me and my brothers did everything to convince him that it was becoming very risky,to keep on living independently in his own house.
My father always refused to leave the house where he had so many good memories.
One morning at 9 AM I received the phonecall from a nurse who visited him every morning in order to give his medication.She told me she found my father laying on the ground in the toilet,dead.
Everything my brothers and me were always afraid for happened:He died all alone,nobody there to hold his hand,nobody there to say we loved him.
This still haunts me,not knowing how long he was conscious,there laying on the floor.
Yet I feel I don't have the right to judge him for his decision,because maybe,the day that my health will be less,I might want to make the same decision,even if it's not right

Friday July 4, 2008, 1:40 pm
I'm going through this with my grandmother right now. She now lives with me. I didn't think it was wise for her to live alone. For 80 years she lived in an area of South Chicago that has now become a war zone. Her house will remain in the family but the important thing to us was that we got her out of there.

Physically, she's a medical marvel. She has mild dementia which is slowly getting worse.

She wants to go back to Chicago, but I try to explain to her it just isn't the same old neighborhood anymore. She asks for Mr. Jones, who was her old grocer(who died before I was even born) but I told him he died and she doesn't remember it.

But she remembers the names of her childhood friends and where they lived 90 years ago.

Friday July 4, 2008, 1:44 pm
this is a hard one my mother has been my caregiver for several years while she has declined badly, fractured lumbar spine is finally giving out they couldn't do surgery when it happened, and her memory, I do best to remember she doesn't remember and not argue about what she remembers or not, i find that abuse comes with it because of the lack of memory, not an easy journey. I am hoping I get the medical care i need and being denied still, and supportive care and heal enough that I can be there for her to some extent, the more the better. at this rate it may be a long shot. people who get dementia and altimerzers have chosen to leave the planet by this method, many say this, louise hay, abrham hicks. it seems easier for them, bu tnot those around them.

Friday July 4, 2008, 6:11 pm
I am speaking in the third person, because I have not had to make the decision of taking care of or placing my aging parent in a nursing home. The only thing that I can tell EVERYONE IS PLEASE PLEASE MAKE AN ADVANCE DIRECTIVE before the time comes! I work in a local hospital, and I have come against this so many times. An advance directive is not something that has to be drawn up my an attorney, just please speak to your physician, and hopefully they will lead you in the right direction. Brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, cousins, neighbors.....this is you!!! There are so many questions when it comes to "What do I do now?!?" Resources for in-home care are unfortunately scarce (or private pay), but an open conversation with your parent/loved one/neighbor is SO IMPORTANT about what they want. We all need an Advance Directives!!!! I am sorry that I went on about this, and it may be off the subject, but please remember that open communication (before the time comes) is so important.

Friday July 4, 2008, 11:11 pm
I cared for my paralized mother for over ten years. She has surrered a stroke on the right siad of her body, which naturally deprived her of her speech. This caused a lot of trauma for the two of us until I was able to understand the sounds she emitted and her hand signs. What I want to say here is, just as it is the duty of every parent, mothers especially, to take of their children who come into this world unasked, so it the duty of every child to care for that mother, through thick or thin, when the roles are reversed, and they can no longer care for themselves.It was they who helped us take opur first steps and they who fought for us when we were in any trouble. Of course there is the old, old Biblical saying that as you sow so shall you reap, but in most circumstances, parents are our responsibilities, those who think otherwise are evading their God given duty.

Saturday July 5, 2008, 7:02 am
Cate...you are amazing...Is there a group on this subject? If not Cate you should start one. Seems as though it is a VERY popular and affects many (if not all) of us in one way or another.

Saturday July 5, 2008, 8:45 pm
Excellent topic Cate. I have had my mother of 84 years living with us now for about 8-9 months mainly due to major tumors so it took a while to treat with surgery and before for other complications.. and just now beginning to feel a little improved...... pain still strong some days... but have mum doing meditation and it took 8++ months but now sleeping better; better pain management..and finally settling in...Mum is a very independent woman so even allowing me to wash her clothes took some time... I had to sneak them out literally once home from hospital each time, and after a few months was finally given her personal permission to wash her clothes..lol.. She used to ride everywhere on her scooter where she lived in the country and has her routines... She has her home and we have cared for the pro