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Why Women Put Up With Abuse

Society & Culture  (tags: )

- 4107 days ago -
Why do women, especially in America, put up with the outrage of physical, sexual, and verbal abuse? One main reason is absolute obedience to the messages of childhood, when they were first maltreated. They blame themselves for the abuse ...

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Past Member (0)
Thursday January 25, 2007, 11:21 pm
I always remember hearing, he didn't mean to do it ,he feels real bad about it. He'll never do it again. Then a few months later, it happens again. Too sad.

Past Member (0)
Thursday January 25, 2007, 11:22 pm
I always remember hearing, he didn't mean to do it ,he feels real bad about it. He'll never do it again. Then a few months later, it happens again. Too sad.

Past Member (0)
Thursday January 25, 2007, 11:22 pm
I always remember hearing, he didn't mean to do it ,he feels real bad about it. He'll never do it again. Then a few months later, it happens again. Too sad.

Past Member (0)
Thursday January 25, 2007, 11:24 pm
I guess I needed that said three times. Sorry.

Rajan Sujan (940)
Thursday January 25, 2007, 11:31 pm
This is an EXCELLENT News Article, and is noted!
Excellent, why? This article leads us, or links us human Spirituality, and this statement is true....

....The child, or "true self," as he names it, can be thought of as having a semi-permeable layer of protection around it. Such might also be thought of as a boundary, or a wall, enclosing the self. The abuser, by attacking the personhood of his victim, continuously assaults this barrier until at last he breaks all the way through, "sets up residence" inside, and feeds a "false self," he says.

This relates well to a few instances of "distorted" relationship between disciple and teacher, which may be the form of mild abuse of the disciple (mind)!!!

Rajan Sujan (940)
Thursday January 25, 2007, 11:33 pm
A correction,
......................... links us to human Spirituality,.....

Simone D (1462)
Friday January 26, 2007, 12:34 am
So that their animals do not get killed.

Yan K (75)
Friday January 26, 2007, 5:13 am



Emmanuel D (28)
Friday January 26, 2007, 7:47 am
Good to see some intelligent commenting going on...and...Sharen....I am sure he didn't mean to do it ,he feels real bad about it. He'll never do it again.

Emmanuel D (28)
Friday January 26, 2007, 2:31 pm
Looks like SPAM, Catherine.

Barbara Brown (9)
Friday January 26, 2007, 7:09 pm
So sad and so true. The victims do not believe they deserve anything better in life. It is a difficult cycle to break because the children of the abused suffer from the same stigma as their parents. And the cycle goe on and on.

Denise R (0)
Friday January 26, 2007, 7:13 pm
This is totally accurate! It truly sums up the unfortunate phenomena. Thank you for writing and posting this.

Debra Smart (1)
Friday January 26, 2007, 7:25 pm
another reason why women stay in these abusive relationship is because they have never work in there life, they dont know who to turn to for help and are scared to leave as there may be Children involved and this is the major situation that keep them thinking that things will get better for them and they end up in the Hospital with broken limbs, or there lives is taken. when will we ever learn.

Blue Bunting (855)
Friday January 26, 2007, 7:29 pm
Please tell us your story, we want to know .

Blue Bunting (855)
Friday January 26, 2007, 7:35 pm
It is time for ALL of US to talk about this

Don't be AFRAID ... we can help you!


Past Member (0)
Friday January 26, 2007, 8:12 pm
Many women stay because they don't want to turn to others, it is a state of shame........I personally feel many women do know who they marry or end up living with has the potential for abuse in some form. The first sign of it is so subtle, and often forgiven or overlooked.................However, there is so much help out there now for any woman willing to take that first step to self reclamation.........

The first and foremost question to ask onself before abuse ever begins is to ask what do I see in this person.........Look in a mirror, squarely in your own eyes and the right answer will look right back at you.

A moment of truth and revelation can prevent years of potential mistreatment.........Look into your own eyes and not another for the answer.

This all seems/sounds so simple but it does work..............No one has to go off with anyone when you sense a red flag of doubt..................................Listen to it!

~~Think of tomorrow -
Plant a seed grow a forest
for Mother Earth and her animals~~


Sandra Westwood (15)
Friday January 26, 2007, 8:49 pm
I've been in three abusive situations . The first was with a fellow that I met when I was fifteen . I got preganant at 16 and he started beating me bad. I think he thought he owned me becouse I was carrying his child. He was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive. I stayed with him for six years. Then one day he picked me up (I was 92 pounds ) and through me . It was the first time my kids seen the abuse . I know that it would affect them for the rest of their lives if I stayed . You didn't matter to me at the time that I was getting beaten( I had left and went back many times, he said he would change) but when the kids seen it I knew it was bad for them so I left.

A year latter I met who would be my Husband . He was very nice to me until we got Married. Then the Mental and emotional abuse started. I left after three years.

After that I met a pretty nice man . He was a trucker and we were doing good money wise. But he was an alcohlic. It was mentally abusive. I told him to leave after six years . He ended up going crazy. He's now a deloutional scitsofrenic (sorry my spelling sucks)

You see I've experienced all three types of abuse . The first fellow abused my the three different ways of abuse the second guy the two ways and the third guy one. It seems I'm getting better. The trick is praying and having faith, counseling, groups and thinking positivlly no matter what negative thought come into my mind I change them to positives.

I think the big reason allot of women stay in these kind of relationships is becouse that is what they are used to Before I met my X Husband I met a fellow that loved me and wanted to take my kids as his own. But I felt uncomfortable for some reason . It was becouse he was nice and I wasn't used to that . So I stopped seeing him . I was abused physically emotionally and mentally by my mom and was beaten. I was also sexually abused on several occations. So I didn't know much of anything else.

I'm single now with two children who are 11 and 15. I think I'll stay that way for a while and just focus on us.

The next relationship I get into will be good . I'm going to counselling again and my councelor tells me she going to teach me how to know who is a jerk .

Thanks for reading .
Sorry it was so long
I just felt i had to share a bit so you could understand a bit better.

Past Member (0)
Friday January 26, 2007, 9:02 pm
I don't completely agree with the main premise of the article. I do agree with the "other" 13 listed reasons why women stay. I disagree that the greater the abuse, the greater the loyalty... I don't think there is loyalty in those situations as much as there is compliance, obedience, tolerance and fear. I see loyalty as something chosen voluntarily and felt deeply in one's heart as right.

Women who stay in abusive relationships are not mentally unstable. How ridiculous. They are mainly afraid. Most women who stay do not have financial freedom. They feel their options are limited at best. They have low self esteem and have trouble believing in themselves and finding the strength to stand on their own. Often the known horror is more comfortable than the unknown life that exists outside of the relationship. Women feel trapped. Many women also look past the abuse and are touched by the sorrow and pleading that follows. They feel needed and women are natural nurturers.

Again, I fully believe in the top 13 reasons listed... but find the claim of a brainwashed, childlike response hard to swallow and insulting to women.

Valorie P (215)
Friday January 26, 2007, 9:04 pm
It is a circle, it does come on slowly, and you do over look their behavior at first. Then it calms for awhile, you think it was just a mood, the job, or whatever that day. Then it starts over, and this time it is a little more than usual, then it calms again. This may go on for years, til' one day, you get hit and slapped around. Then you hear the oh, I'm sorry, it will never happen again. Calm. Slap. Calm. Broken bone or the like.

Why can't women move on? They are terrified, they have no strength the abuser has robbed it all, of the status, of their own stupidity, of failing, of dying, most of all the assaultive person. When women want out, they ponder for days, months, years as to the best way not to be hit again, stalked or even killed. FEAR is what it is!!!

Then throw kids in the mix a worse mess yet. How will a women survive, live, financial, it all is on the basis of FEAR that they stay.

Your right Bette...when a woman can stand in front of the mirror, without blinking or turning away and look straight into her own eyes and directly into her own soul then and only then will she find the answers.

Rajan you are right too! It is all about spirituality, we cannot allow for someone to take our very own soul from us, which an abuser is great at doing.

Holly Troubetzkoy (167)
Friday January 26, 2007, 10:59 pm
Who has shown that this is especially in America. In the Netherlands there is certainly abuse. There are religious groups where the father's apparently thinkGod has given them total say over their families which includes sex with thier daughters. Others kill daughters and wives and sisters because of their own sens e of honor. People get beaten and put down and mentally tortured all over the world. Women are often seen as less as a (girl)children and they get put down and abused more.

The comment from Renee A.:I don't think there is loyalty in those situations as much as there is compliance, obedience, tolerance and fear. I see loyalty as something chosen voluntarily and felt deeply in one's heart as right.
I agree. I do believe his is discribing the at of loyaly- staying, protecting the babuser, without going that far into motivation--- ie. beaten dogs often still retun to their owners- a sign of loyalty.

But abuse is not just with parents and partners. People who get bullied at school often can have their life "ruined"" by those others.
Rajan Sujan , it is about the spirti. Since not all abused end getting reabused, there are aspects of the situation which may tend to lead to cyclical behavior in the one and not in the other. Holly T

Rajan Sujan (940)
Saturday January 27, 2007, 12:30 am
Dear Valorie,
Thank you for your comment! It is for a very good reason that we must carefully choose our friends, for friendships affect human minds. Similarly, if we wish to discipline our minds, we may at times, seek a teacher for moral training. However, we must always bear in mind that NO teacher be held higher than one's Conscious being. To be conscious of one's own Consciousness and to hold it supreme in our Earthly existence, is one's true Spiritual identity, untouched by any other human being!!

Magi Adiyaman (5)
Saturday January 27, 2007, 1:38 am
So right Valerie, when does 'bullying' become abuse? If a man or a woman for that matter can abuse their partner, how long is it before the abuse is passed to a child?

And yes Bette, looking in the mirror realising who you are - a person in your own right - one with feeings, emotions, and strength, the strength that can only come from within to help you move on.

I was a teacher Rajan, and I wish you could see the impact an article on bullying had on my 8th graders - they drove me crazy on a daily basis - but after reading their thoughts, and seeing their active part in stopping bullying in our school - I was more than proud to be their teacher.

Past Member (0)
Saturday January 27, 2007, 6:22 am
Im certain we are all glad to see the response to this article.The whys are numerous each case is different.The bottom line is how can a woman be helped out of the abuse cycle.? My father was jewish mafia. i was beaten verbally abused then tossed out in the streets at a very young age.thats how the story begins .years of survival and therapy abusive relationships,emotionally and verbally abandonement believing it was somehow my fault and i would make it right somehow.A woman needs all the supoport she can get and with children? My God! What is a woman to do she is already battered ! A most viscious dangerous cycle that the man is all to aware of.Women must seek help as soon as possible friends must intervene
families must intervene. abuse comes in many guises some subtle some brutally physical . All have the same agenda. disable the woman. There is much supposrt out there as in care2. I am proud to have care2 friends

Past Member (0)
Saturday January 27, 2007, 7:21 am
She married at twenty,
IShe married to get away from home......Her friends did it too!
She married and thought she knew enough........she didn't know enough!
She married and came to know enough, she did not deserve to be slapped.
She went back hoping her words were enough.......She did not want to go back.
Enough is enough in six months days.........she left and never looked back not once
IShe hardly remembered him enough to even say hello......
She realized becoming a sharp wind ripping his sleeve.

~~Think of tomorrow -
Plant a seed grow a forest
for Mother Earth and her animals~~

Valorie P (215)
Saturday January 27, 2007, 12:14 pm
It is lack of knowledge and education, which most can only be gained from through living. When you are young and raised in one particular way you don't realize that other's and their worlds are vastly different. I was raised to trust and respect others. Then you find yourself in the middle of something so awful and seeking an out and not having the wisdom to do so.

Your right Rajan, carefully choose your friends!

Bullying is just unreal. I remember the kids in my school when I was young it was bad then. Now your child, is bullied to the point of emergency rooms, pulling them out of school and putting them in private schools to save them from their so called "friends", and to keep them on track morally with values and to gain spiritually.

Our morals and values are pushed to the edge, by society our friends, and media, etc.. I now hold fast to my spirituality and it has led me to gain strength, knowledge and wisdom to hopefully pass on to others.

Bette I like that, "she left never looked back not once."

I have no tolerance for abuse and/or abusers!!

Alexandrea W (175)
Saturday January 27, 2007, 1:57 pm
I have been a police officer for 26 years and have seen this over and over in my career. My heart just breaks when a woman will not or feels she can not leave. Up until recently only this woman would be able to press charges. Now, the state can and will press charges against the abuser if marks are seen on the woman. She has no say so in it at this time. But, we hear two reasons mainly why she does not want to leave; the first being," but I love him"...the second, "he pays the bills." Most of the womem feel they are trapped that there is no place for them to turn. We know it is hard to take that first step to leaving, but you must leave to stay alive. You have to find protective shelter. Your law enforcement agencies can help you. All you have to do is reach out and tell them you need help. You are the only one that is able to break this cycle of abuse by getting away. I have been involved more than I can count in cases of abuse like this and I pray that women will get out before my services as homicide detective is needed. I pray for all of you and I hope that you will see that you have a magnitude of support. Please, reach out and let us help.
Detective Alexandrea Wayne

Past Member (0)
Saturday January 27, 2007, 2:12 pm
In the years since marriage I've long realized one can know a person from childhood and marry, but there will always be something you don't know about them. No one can ever know another as well as you may think.....You can see them every day of your life, you can grow up with them perhaps to marry. In most cases if you know them for a very long time to marry it may work out with a few kinks which is normal.

However, the longer you wait to marry you get to know yourself so much better and what it is you want in another. Too many rely on the here and now, influenced heavily by Hollywood, books, television, and most of all what your friends think of your choices......Sometimes that is good, othertimes it is bad.

Allow yourself to truly grow............experience all different kinds of people............But, most all get educated, keep your pants up as high as your chin............

~~Think of tomorrow -
Plant a seed grow a forest
for Mother Earth and her animals~~

Rajan Sujan (940)
Sunday January 28, 2007, 5:58 am
Dear Alexandrea, dear Bette,
To my mind, there are a few other reasons that may make relationships very sour (may not be physical, but emotional, which is equally painful). Women, as well as men MUST NOT expect too much in a marriage relationship, they must not expect their partners must and will fulfil their life's dreams, and bring each other happiness! Efforts have to be continually put in jointly to make a success of a marriage, as some partners become abusive later on, out of frustration or some form of distrust in the other partner!

Rajan Sujan (940)
Sunday January 28, 2007, 6:01 am
.....frustration or some form of mistrust in the other partner!

Past Member (0)
Sunday January 28, 2007, 6:51 am
Rajan........Yes!!!!!! Expectations are great in a new relationship. Few people express what it is they want from another........It is a tactic of avoidance, or agree with spoken and unspoken beliefs of the other. Most of it very superficial. The younger couples are less likely to converse in an indepth nature . In these cases keeping the rose colored glasses on for as long as possible as opposed to bringing up a specific topic or problem.

I also believe firmly there are very few truly genuine relationships based on what is deep inside another as opposed to what the eye sees......Good qualities are not stamped on a persons forehead, if they are there one must take time to see what is there.

My final thought is:..............Just wait a very long time, longer than the length of your nose.

~~Think of tomorrow-
Plant a seed
grow a forest
for Mother Earth
and her animals~~

Rajan Sujan (940)
Sunday January 28, 2007, 7:01 am
Dear Bette,
Thank you! Your statements are true!
~~Think of tomorrow - Plant a seed, grow a forest for Mother Nature and her Animals~~
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