Wednesday October 1, 2008, 10:35 pm
God bless America!...No one else will?...Love to all...

Wednesday October 1, 2008, 10:58 pm
Special Message regarding 2008 US Presidential Election 4:57 PM


A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President Of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the Revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which She does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without Skipping half the letters, and the suffix-ize will be replaced by the Suffix-ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
Levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises Such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take Account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, Lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and Therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to Sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then You're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you Wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of Conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British Sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been Calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato Chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in Animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually Beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the Greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as Good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to Play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a
Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
Cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of Proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in Time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds Or wearing full Kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they Regularly thrash us.

14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to Host an event called the World Series for a game, which is not played Outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a World beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
Cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

John Cleese

Thursday October 2, 2008, 11:27 am
Am I having a senior moment but wasn't this posted yesterday or the day before and we all dutifully commented on it...getting more British by the moment with repeats on TV, Repeats with all the unions they eat (Oh yes they do in Cumbia), repeats for my meds at the doctors and several things that get repeated every family gathering which I had hoped to have lived down many years ago.

So am I having a senior moment or not. This is now killing me..along with who killed JFK?

Perhaps we could have regular re-gurgitated news..probably wouldn't see any difference anyway. And why stop with yesterday or was it the day before..how about re-running some of the heart stopping news-clips from last week? I remember an item from the late sixties....but that is another matter.

Many Happy returns.

Thursday October 2, 2008, 11:27 am
Thank you this is realy great! This is a keeper in these dark days....LOL!

Thursday October 2, 2008, 11:27 am
Oh no, more foreclosures!

Thursday October 2, 2008, 11:44 am
David...This is a classic and I'm glad you did the honors and gave this topic its own thread.

God Bless The World!!

Thursday October 2, 2008, 12:12 pm
Well, better to be repossessed by Britain than handed over to China...we owe them a bit of money, yes ?

Thursday October 2, 2008, 1:44 pm
A somewhat ominous prospect, considering all my revolutionary and Puritan (?)ancestors endured....but still, seeing how all their efforts have recently, basically been bulldozed and all but forgotten....there are certainly worse things, yes, Pamylle....Thank you once again and always, David...xxxooo...As for you, Mr. Cleese, wherever you are....?...You're absolutely brilliant. Point taken.

Thursday October 2, 2008, 4:18 pm
cute noted thank you

Thursday October 2, 2008, 5:38 pm
DO you THINK anyone would even notice? :o)

Thursday October 2, 2008, 7:59 pm
Cool! Now about my new health care.. are you sure I will not have to sell my home to get basic coverage???

Thursday October 2, 2008, 8:58 pm
Ohhhhhh, to finally have a centralized...or centraliSed...medical system....Lovely....The royals, however....are quite another story....Life under them could be a bit unnerving...

Thursday October 2, 2008, 8:59 pm
Did I just say "under them"....? :::shudders:::

You could have a point there, Pete...:::laughs:::

Thursday October 2, 2008, 10:14 pm
We have to keep Kansas and give up american football? Forget it.

Thursday October 2, 2008, 10:45 pm
Hm. No deal. I'm afraid we can't do this.

But we can tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for the Spice Girls. Will that work?

Thursday October 2, 2008, 10:52 pm
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President Of the USA.

This leaves me out,, I wanted Dennis Kucinich, but was never given my constitutional right to vote for him. They pushed him out.

Friday October 3, 2008, 1:51 am

Thank you, David ! I have just gone from one belly laugh to another here and THAT is priceless; very salutory !

I don't know about repeats, David Gould, because I've never seen this article before, but I can tell you that it was Margaret Thatcher who ate unions...possibly for breakfast even.

I enjoyed all the proposals, whether simply absurd (the Queen doesn't fancy Kansas; back taxes from 1776!), English revenge (instauring UK gas, err...I mean, petrol prices - "get used to it"), authoritarian orders to use the dictionary, or clever satire of American habits, characteristics & misdeeds ("You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, Lawyers, or therapists. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to Sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then You're not grown up enough to handle a gun." OR "Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary')"

I wish I could laugh so much every morning - great start to the day !


)

Friday October 3, 2008, 2:03 am

Oh, sorry, I forgot the best one :

"A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed."

and "Congress and the Senate will be disbanded."

After the double betrayal of the bailout legislation and the new military spending bill, authorizing billions, that last proposal had me cheering !

Please ask John Cleeves if they can revoke their retirement plans (I mean 'pensions'), too.

Friday October 3, 2008, 8:57 am
This is the best thing I have read in years! I think this is a wonderful idea. The US is the worst country I have ever lived in and the UK was the best, so I am all for this. John Cleese is one of the most brilliantly talented people to ever have lived. I've loved him since the very beginning of his career. Thank you David.

Friday October 3, 2008, 2:37 pm
That's not from John Cleese at all.... do check it out at Snopes.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

Friday October 3, 2008, 11:32 pm
Haven't they always owned us since the Revolution anyway?

Monday October 6, 2008, 7:24 pm
Very good ,David! Love it!Thank for the great post.

Tuesday October 7, 2008, 12:29 am
Sorry Cissy...Took it at face value...Silly me!...BUT to anyone who enjoyed this incredibly sincere letter...Do check out 'Snopes"...There is a potted history of the origin and evolution of this text including some very good reversed US vs UK versions...Enjoy!...Thanks Cissy...

http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

Wednesday October 8, 2008, 5:59 pm
Bugger