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Ian MacLeod

"Stay alive; improve my health, play music WELL again"

Madras, OR, USA
male, age 63
married, 8 children
Speaks: English, some German
Joined Nov 9, 2008

Personal Professional Contact Singles
Joined Nov 9, 2008 Activist Aspirations Enthusiastic 
Here for Support a Cause, Other 
Group Host of
Groups C2NN..Your Daily News.., Care2 Get The Word Out?, Former Silent Majority, Friends In Need: chronic illness & pain support, Global Alliance to Ban GMOs, NEW WORLD ORDER, Pagans, STOP Gadhimai animal culling, 2014 ; Let us join hands.
Hometown None; now in Madras, OR 
Birthday June 27, 1955  
Languages English, some German  
About Me CREDO

I am a chronic pain patient. There is no time in my life when I am not in pain. After many years of mistreatment, non-treatment, outright abuse and finally some honest attempts at proper treatment, I am as stable as I can get, for the time being at least. Now I help others when I can.

I don’t offer my help from a sense of guilt or for profit, save perhaps emotional. Others who are where I was or are where I am have helped me and do help me, and that is as it should be. I don’t help because she is pretty – I have never seen her face. I don’t help because he may further my career – I have none; pain took that away long ago. I help because our common humanity makes us the same creature. I help because our common pain makes us brothers and sisters; what diminishes them diminishes me, and makes us all less.

I have stood at that precipice he stands at now, the terrible abyss yawning beneath my feet. I know the darkness that surrounds her, calling her name in the voice of helplessness, telling her how useless the single, dim candle of her life is in a universe of suns. I know the desolate isolation of being alone, the pain screaming above all else in a voice only he can hear. I know the feeling and the sound of another strand in a frayed lifeline snapping as a doctor or a loved one disbelieves or mocks. I too have the bowed shoulders of one who waits, bound, as every stone-heavy, plodding moment settles and adds to the mountain that she must carry, only half-hoping that this one is not the last of an unrelieved accumulation that she will crumple under. I know the snide tones of the unimaginative, judgmental, healthy professionals, of family and friends who unremittingly erode what remains of his pride and sense of worth.

I help others because others helped me, and because not to pass this on would be a callous, greedy use of such a gift. I help because the journey through that place called pain that makes the valley of the shadow of death look like a sweet promise is one that should never be walked alone. I help for the courage of those who, from the midst of their own pain, reach out their hands to help others who stand a fraction closer to the abyss than they.

Sometimes there is little I can do for someone but listen and believe, but I know the value of that. It seems a small thing, but a small thing in a void is like a candle in a dark room: small to the one who lights it in the sunlight and carries it in, but a great gift to one who has lived in darkness so long that light is all but forgotten.

I help because I will allow that precipice to claim no one without a fight, I will permit no soul to be lost in that void if by some means I can help guide it back to the light that is our mutual beginning, nature and destiny. I help because I have learned to love myself, and that love is a wellspring from which all who are decent and caring may draw; it is the only secure foundation from which we may love others. I help because love acts, and I will not be still in the face of abuse and need.

I help because I can, and because I find I must if I am to remain true to my self. I help because where one alone is a weak victim, many together, like a rope of many small strands interwoven into a single thing, are strong, and can accomplish anything.

Ian MacLeod
February 21, 2000

CPP since 1984
U.S. Veteran, Vietnam Era
Father, grandfather, husband, widower
Former: Design drafter, paramedic, rock climber,
martial artist, singer/songwriter/musician,
woodsman, amateur mycologist and Poison
Control Center volunteer.
Chronic Pain Treatment Advocate
NOTE: After an initial delay in diagnosis and treatment of
over a decade that caused the damage and pain to become
permanent in the first place, the author’s treatment is again
under threat by an opiophobic government committee which
I believe is blackmailing the treating physician, and is forcing
him to blackmail the patient: myself. After nearly a decade of
treatment and more or less stability, their goal appears to be
to set up a catch-22 and remove all useful treatment under the
assumptions that “addiction” is not useful, and that, despite
all legislation, research, current medical definitions,
regulations and recommendations, chronic opioid use
equals addiction.

Second update: After weathering the last attack, I am now forced
to see an unqualified “pain specialist” who plays dominance games,
and seems intent on putting me on dangerous and ineffective
medications, after he removes the ones that have worked for so long.
This is complicated by my wife now being all but bed-ridden, with
only me to rely on for everything she needs. Another new committee
seems to be reviewing pain patients’ records, with a view to reducing
or removing opiates in favor of SSRI’s, anticonvulsants, NSAID’s,
tricyclic antidepressants, anticonvulsants and other more dangerous,
less effective medications. This time, the meddling with my regimen threatens my
wife’s very survival, which, as the people I must deal with say, isn’t
their problem. Nonetheless, Credo still stands, and so do I.
October, 2007

Final Update: After being partially crippled by the fake “pain specialist,” after a time so difficult that my wife and I considered suicide (she had been asking about Oregon’s “Death With Dignity” law, mostly because she hated seeing me tear myself apart trying to care for her), I found a local doctor who would prescribe perhaps a bit less than half of what I need to function, so I left the VA system for the time being. Two years of a very difficult, sometimes nightmare existence followed. I dared not leave my wife alone, and sometimes simply couldn’t leave the house, period. For almost two years I only ever left for store runs and the like. After repeated hospital admissions, three in one month once, and my having to continually resist the doctors insistence that I should put her on hospice and “pull the plug” against her will (they had coldly written her off early on), after coding once and being brought back, she began to lose oxygen perfusion efficiency. She passed away on June 15th, 2009, in my arms. She had plenty of pain medication, and passed as comfortably as anyone could under such circumstances. My only comforts are that I know I made clear to her many times a day, every day, that she was still the love of my life and always would be. Rubs and pets, kisses and endearments, anything she wanted to eat, I found a way to get or make, anything I could do to comfort her I did. She knew always that she was loved, and would never be abandoned. She’d had me promise when we knew her disease was terminal that I’d be there holding her when she died, and that promise too I kept. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, watching her vital signs fade, but following her wishes and this time not fighting it; I could have stopped it, could have brought her back, but the only way to stop it would have been another intubation, and she had forbidden it.

Much of what I like best about myself came to me in gift from her; I do and will miss my best friend, my lover, my teacher and sweetest companion. Aeternum vale, beloved.

As for the “doctor” who crippled me and compromised her care, that is another debt I will pay, soon or late, somehow.
  Introduce yourself to Ian
Pets Nine cats  
Activist Aspirations Enthusiastic
Political Leaning Depends
Religions Native American/Druidic spirituality  
Eating Habits Omnivore, but little meat  
Wild Fact About Me Nothing I'd put here.
My Philosophy Forget it. Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell probably belongs there.
What Gives Me Hope The knowledge that everything changes, eventually.
If I were Mayor, I'd make the world a better place by Resign. I have enough trouble leading me. Damned if I'm going to drag an entire town, state, country along too!
What/who changed my life and why Chronic intractable pain. Because it changes everything in a victim's life, and because this idiot country is run by and for profit, so people crippled by pain are more profitable, like their doctors, as they are. The DEA has declared war against us and our physicians.
What Bugs Me Ignorance that's proud of itself  
Passions Too many for a short statement  
Inspirations Koloneh, good and honest people  
What Scares Me The current state of America  
Role Models All who practice satyagraha  
Quotation One favorite quote: "As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there's a twilight where everything remains seemingly unchanged, and it is in such twilight that we must be aware of change in the air, however slight, lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness."
- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
Interests Not NEAR enough room here  
Books See "Interests"  
Music See "Books"  
Movies Few, Lord of the Rings (Jackson)  
TV Shows Babylon 5, Jeopardy (TV is off)  
Favorite Foods Mex, Tex/Mex, Indian, Med, Japanese, others  
Favorite Places Forest/mountains, Deserts, wildernesses  
Can't Live Without Air, water, food  
  Introduce yourself to Ian
My Thank You Notes
Friends of Ian

Marsha A.

H Nick H.

SuS NoMail Plez P.

Thomas C.

Joseph Y.

View all: 73 friends
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    Comment Board
    Viewing 20 of 316: view all | add a comment »
    Nov 15, 2018 8:59 AM

    ParsifalAWAY S. (99)

    Wildfires set on purpose DEW caught on NASA website

    Jun 20, 2017 6:42 AM

    Sheryl G. (359)

    Jun 27, 2016 6:23 AM

    Terrie W. (798)

    Jun 20, 2016 5:57 AM

    Sheryl G. (359)
    Miss your insightful comments on the enough of "you" on C2
    Jun 27, 2015 9:10 AM

    Terrie W. (798)

    Jun 20, 2015 5:41 AM

    Sheryl G. (359)

    Jul 2, 2014 7:45 PM

    Sheryl G. (359)

    Jun 27, 2014 11:19 AM

    Terrie W. (798)

    Jun 23, 2014 6:03 AM

    Carole S. (338)
    Inline image 2Ian,Inline image 2


    Apr 19, 2014 9:59 AM

    ParsifalAWAY S. (99)
    Peoples of Russia, I love each of you

    Feb 26, 2014 6:46 PM

    Dalia H. (1280)
    Much Love, Light, Blessings for you and yours My Beloved Friend, Ian!
    B.D ♥

    Dec 19, 2013 11:37 PM

    ParsifalAWAY S. (99)

    Stille Nacht Heilige Nacht - Vienna Boys Choir 1967
    This outstanding arrangement as performed by the Wiener Sängerknaben (Viennese Boys Choir) of the very popular Austrian (Christmas) carol was interpreted only one time in Christmas 1967.

    Music by Franz Xaver Gruber.
    Lyrics by Joseph Franz Mohr.

    click image to listen (.mp3)

    Jun 30, 2013 2:15 PM

    Sheryl G. (359)

    The name of the song is Until the Last Moment by Yanni. Yanni once said before playing this song in concert to appreciate life as it is very fragile and short. So enjoy your birthday, be it spent in a whirlwind of family joys or quietly alone with a good book, a walk among nature, or with a special someone. Today Life is your Gift! I'm honored to spend this small part in it.

    Jun 27, 2013 5:53 AM

    Terrie W. (798)
    Jun 26, 2013 12:30 PM

    Carole S. (338)
    Inline image 2Ian,Inline image 2
    Inline image 1

    Jun 20, 2013 5:23 AM

    Dalia H. (1280)

    Dec 29, 2012 11:42 AM

    Carole S. (338)
    Inline image 1

    Dec 28, 2012 1:21 PM

    Sheryl G. (359)
    The two songs I chose to celebrate the new year of 2013 are Niki Nana meaning We Are One or as Lakota say Mitakuye Oyasin. The other song hails from the sixties but we need this as much today as then. Peace, we must speak up for Peace more often! Let 2012 be the end of the old ways 2013 the beginning of better ways. HAPPY NEW YEAR...How R U? Ok from surgery?
    Dec 21, 2012 6:28 AM

    Carole S. (338)

    Dec 5, 2012 7:03 AM

    Sheryl G. (359)
    A BIT OF NATIVE HUMOR Darrell Dennis is a native Canadian comedian from the Secwepemc Nation
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