Do You Have Orgasm Anxiety?

When New York magazine’s Daily Intel picked up my Psychology Today blog, “What is An Organic Orgasm?” exploring my thoughts on expanding pleasure in our sexuality by being less goal-orientated in the bedroom, in their piece called “House of Un-American Orgasms,” I almost fell off my chair.

The point of my blog was to create an invitation to the reader to explore something that is perhaps a new idea for some people in their sexing – either with a partner or by themselves – and that is to try on slowing down. Many men and women have varying levels of performance anxiety around their orgasms and the orgasm of their partner. Some of us feel that if we don’t achieve orgasm in each and every sexual encounter that we have something wrong with us. This can create a very unsexy sexual anxiety, which of course, is not going to bring anyone pleasure.

“Orgasm anxiety” increases our stress, adds to worry, and can take us out of our bodies and into our heads, which of course will make climaxing more difficult and less enjoyable. According to my friends over at Pleasure Mechanics, “Anxiety about orgasm is a leading cause of erectile issues in men – the ability to relax and focus on sensation is essential for both male and female arousal.” I couldn’t have said it better myself!

When I talk about “Organic Orgasms” or even dip my big toe into the world of “Slow Sex,” what I am inviting us to do is to simply enjoy the pleasure of touch and sexual intimacy. How playful can you be with yourself, and with your partner? What sensations have you explored lately? There are so many different types of sensations that can happen for us during sexual arousal and through the very human experience of sexual intimacy, whether we are using sex toys, vibrators, fingers, mouths, or our genitals.

No one is suggesting that we give up orgasm! Instead, I am creating the invitation to savor it all. And if we can let go of the anxiety of goal-oriented pleasure, what we may find is that our climaxes (orgasms) may become even more amazing, delicious, and earth shattering than ever before!

When it comes to sexuality, there are few rules outside of safe, sane and consensual. For me, it’s about simply being shameless.


Veselin Varbanov
Veselin Varbanov4 years ago

oh ,you poor thing.. haha .

Aud Nordby
Aud n4 years ago


Teresa Wlosowicz
Teresa W4 years ago


James Travers
James T5 years ago

Jane B, I like how open and straight forward your comment is. I don't completely agree with you but find it refreshingly direct. You are right to a point but I have known women who were very much "in to " their man and yet never had an orgasm with him because of his lack of technique or that he was more interested in his own pleasure than hers.

Sohail A.
Sohail A5 years ago

.the natural flow is the best

Patricia H.
Patricia H.5 years ago


Emma Rose
Emma Rose5 years ago

why stress over many things to make my happy.

Emma Rose
Emma Rose5 years ago

oh good grief.....some people wont know orgasm ...THE FAKERS....until OMG YOU FOUND IT..ha ha ha ha....! now it doesn't really matter if I have orgasm or not because I know if I really want it I can do it myself thank you very much..HA HA HA...funny!

Lauren E.
Lauren E5 years ago

Fascinating! Thanks!

Jane Barton
Jane Barton5 years ago

My ex boyfriend put pressure on me causing anxiety and anxiety kills orgasms. Sexual desire originates in the brain. For a woman, it isn't about "slow" or "fast", it's about her attraction to the MAN. If she LIKES the man, she will like whatever he does as long as he gets hard. If she is not INTO a man, she won't have an orgasm no matter what he does, slow or fast. It's all MENTAL for women. My whole life I settled for men whom I just wasn't INTO and never had an orgasm. Then I met the most gorgeous 22 year old, 6'2" hot bodied guy I ever saw in my life. I have an orgasm giving him a BJ, that's how much I'm INTO him.
One thing for sure, you can't WILL yourself to have an orgasm, that kills it. Orgasms originate in the reptilian brainstem portion of the brain and it's all about FANTASIZING. Men
fantasize easily and women don't. And everybody has slightly different triggers. Find the triggers and you will have fantastic orgasms.